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Leave Me Alone

By gordogs 25 - 04/04/2012 10:53 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

agreeclassic 38 148

vote type 1 13 053

Assumptions

By adriana - 01/09/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills. She said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

agreeclassic 59 367

vote type 1 4 594

By Anonymous - 19/05/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

agreeclassic 55 840

vote type 1 7 826

Better call Saul

By possibly a sweater - 05/12/2013 22:26 - United States - Wharton

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

agreeclassic 43 578

vote type 1 24 536

By kaitlin - 19/02/2010 06:30 - Australia

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

agreeclassic 28 159

vote type 1 4 404

By SterlingSilver91 - 03/09/2011 23:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

agreeclassic 28 209

vote type 1 42 740

By need € for new iron - 16/05/2013 19:49 - Germany - Gevelsberg

Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML

agreeclassic 80 545

vote type 1 6 750

By Username - 14/04/2011 06:59

Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML

agreeclassic 27 721

vote type 1 18 895

By sisco2901 - 22/01/2012 09:12 - Slovakia

Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall. FML

agreeclassic 35 370

vote type 1 5 309

By shelby - 30/03/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

agreeclassic 38 506

vote type 1 27 371

By oshitdonotwant - 08/08/2009 13:42 - United States

Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

agreeclassic 68 531

vote type 1 4 075

By Anonymous - 11/01/2012 20:08 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

agreeclassic 31 371

vote type 1 7 503

By Fv-day - 14/02/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, I received a notice that my boyfriend had given me a rose via Happy Aquarium on Facebook. It came with a date cancellation so that he and his friends could play BioShock. FML

agreeclassic 25 654

vote type 1 4 654

By catlady - 09/01/2012 16:56 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my anniversary. I've been a single cat-lady for exactly one year. FML

agreeclassic 30 795

vote type 1 8 512

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

agreeclassic 7 291

vote type 1 72 571

By Anonymous - 10/08/2012 22:06 - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

agreeclassic 41 554

vote type 1 4 978

By Anonymous - 14/08/2011 20:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparently, "Granny has needs too you know, hahaha!" Goodbye peaceful family. FML

agreeclassic 30 338

vote type 1 3 274

Gross, so gross

By Yuuucky - 26/09/2011 16:58 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

agreeclassic 36 820

vote type 1 17 184

It's just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - 13/05/2012 12:15 - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled, "Geronimo!" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

agreeclassic 34 206

vote type 1 3 231

By je_regrette_tout - 09/03/2013 18:50 - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

agreeclassic 24 222

vote type 1 66 287

RIP

By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

agreeclassic 49 891

vote type 1 4 175

Whoops

By smth - 06/07/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

agreeclassic 17 367

vote type 1 58 734

By Amanda Ross - 18/11/2010 23:12 - United States

Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

agreeclassic 31 752

vote type 1 11 847

By xxlexi_lovexx - 29/03/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

agreeclassic 38 360

vote type 1 6 845

By aatomkins - 02/08/2009 15:52 - United Kingdom

Today, after 3 long hours of mowing the lawn with a rusty lawn mower, my dad finally decided to tell me that he didn't get any money out to pay me with. The reason? He didn't think girls could mow a lawn and was expecting me to give up. FML

agreeclassic 53 330

vote type 1 3 775

aatomkins app_comment_confession_title

aatomkins 0

Monday 3 August 2009 0:43

This isn't your average chore, I do those for free. No allowance, just a hourly rate for the hardcore jobs.

Hello, goodbye

By Joey - 07/05/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

agreeclassic 96 197

vote type 1 5 249

By MLS - 14/02/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

agreeclassic 39 374

vote type 1 5 366

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 04:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML

agreeclassic 14 247

vote type 1 39 353

By FML - 29/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

agreeclassic 38 341

vote type 1 7 545

By frankkathy - 26/07/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

agreeclassic 34 424

vote type 1 19 391

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, while at the restaurant I work at, a bunch of kids came in. They all gave incredibly complex orders, laughed at everything I did, and made a huge mess by "spilling" hot sauce and water all over the floor. After they left, I was tipped eleven cents. FML

agreeclassic 46 321

vote type 1 3 565

Today, I'm obsessing over finding out anything about my ex. A month ago, I finally deleted his number from my phone, but if I'd known it would just make me start obsessing over him again, then I wouldn't have deleted it. FML

agreeclassic 242

vote type 1 1 211

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

agreeclassic 38 645

vote type 1 8 147

Today, my 3-year-old girl accidentally caught sight of me stepping out of the shower. Now she thinks "daddy has a tail" and she just has to let everyone know about it. FML

agreeclassic 14 495

vote type 1 1 550

Today, my boyfriend was helping me with my medications. While I called the pharmacy, I looked over and saw him making the pill bottles fight each other, with sound effects and funny voices. He's 33. FML

agreeclassic 123

vote type 1 483

Today, and over the last week, I’ve spent about 10 minutes with my wife over 5 separate occasions because she is married more to her job than to me. And if anyone is interested those 5 occasions were unromantic sex because we’re trying to get pregnant, then straight back to her laptop to work more. FML

agreeclassic 1 241

vote type 1 292