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By fish killer - 25/03/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 779

You deserved it 10 139

By oliverP123 - 22/07/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 473

You deserved it 4 239

By lindsaykay - 18/04/2012 00:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 198

You deserved it 4 127

Hyperloop

By disfordiploma - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 688

You deserved it 28 540

By Anonymous - 19/02/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 471

You deserved it 5 213

By Awie - 20/10/2011 08:26 - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 358

You deserved it 19 885

Somebody's watching me

By ugh - 08/06/2012 04:35 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 344

You deserved it 9 210

By Anonymous - 19/01/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 832

You deserved it 52 643

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 636

You deserved it 36 398

Nice try

By UncleRory - 16/05/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said, "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying, "I'm good" or, "I'm okay", I said, "I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 333

You deserved it 25 536

By Anonymous - 07/06/2013 22:00 - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 105

You deserved it 119 840

By nothingisreal69 - 01/03/2011 22:21 - Reserved

Today, as I was driving home from work, a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car. The shock caused me to slam on the brakes, totaling three other cars in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 316

You deserved it 13 374

By beyondembarrassed - 05/05/2013 05:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 198

You deserved it 78 980

By clumbsy_at_best - 16/07/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, I realized how close my boyfriend and best friend are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 579

You deserved it 4 775

clumbsy_at_best tells us more.

clumbsy_at_best 0

Saturday 16 July 2011 21:53

they were having sex on chat roulette.....

Sitter

By fired - 13/05/2012 06:26 - United States - Portland

Today, I really had to pee while babysitting. Normally this isn't a problem, except the kids were sleeping and going potty would wake them up right before their parents were due home. Desperate, I decided to pee in a cup in the kitchen and wash it down the sink. Their parents came home mid-stream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 681

You deserved it 47 038

By Micheal - 23/11/2009 03:59 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 294

You deserved it 3 777

By FML - 15/05/2012 19:02 - Finland

Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 999

You deserved it 8 609

By Anonymous - 26/04/2014 05:57 - Canada

Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 833

You deserved it 19 270

By brokennose - 26/08/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 787

You deserved it 67 587

By JackSteely - 22/12/2011 12:04

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 923

You deserved it 2 834

Tiny Tim

By hmmmm - 13/08/2012 12:19 - Australia

Spicy

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 371

You deserved it 5 489

By bettycrocker - 14/05/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend who has been overseas the last four months broke up with me. I sent him a care package two days ago. He'll get homemade cookies (his mom's recipe), naughty videos of me and a letter telling him how much I love him in about a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 392

You deserved it 5 904

ClaireB9 tells us more.

ClaireB9 0

Friday 15 May 2009 8:28

Hey all - I'm the OP. To answer the most commonly asked question: the trick to keeping cookies fresh for a week is to add an extra tablespoon of vegetable oil to the dough, putting a piece of bread in with them and putting them in the smallest ziploc possible.

WeeWooWeeWoo

By zerom - 23/07/2011 00:52 - France

Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 283

You deserved it 12 272

By kaitlynn - 01/02/2010 20:56 - France

Today, at four in the morning, I was asleep with my boyfriend beside me. I started yelling at him in my sleep and broke up with him. When I woke up, he was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 896

You deserved it 10 270

By Anonymous - 20/09/2012 12:31 - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my 28-year-old husband's gamer rage is when I came home to a smashed TV. This is the second TV in three months that he's destroyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 148

You deserved it 4 445

By Anonymous - 19/05/2009 04:08 - Canada

Today, I was feeling rebellious, I decided to procrastinate instead of studying for my really important English test tomorrow. I was having a pretty good time until I realized my idea of procrastinating was cleaning my TI-83 graphing calculator with rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 939

You deserved it 53 363

By prego - 13/04/2012 14:15 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 473

You deserved it 3 328

By JPF - 13/08/2009 03:13 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 558

You deserved it 5 615

By Ya - 10/05/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 289

You deserved it 11 631

We're so proud of you

By strawberrypuff - 04/05/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent four years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the four hour ceremony is "too long." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 515

You deserved it 4 618

FML on Facebook

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Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 124

You deserved it 47 097

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 411

You deserved it 1 847

Today, my boss went out for a few hours. My coworkers saw this as an opportunity to take a 2 hour lunch without getting caught. I stayed at the office to answer the phone, while streaming videos which is a big no no. My boss came back early and caught me, they're all still taking lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 548

You deserved it 10 709

Today, I found out my baby daddy is queerbaiting on OnlyFans. Somehow he still can't be bothered to pay child support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 158

You deserved it 378

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 722

You deserved it 3 361

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said, "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 067

You deserved it 12 714