Nearly FMLs

By AllDone - 21/07/2016 17:27

Today, I asked my husband of 15 years to get a vasectomy, as he's said for the past 13 we are done having kids. I can't have the surgery as I have a platelet disorder. I've been on hormonal bc for 13 years. He declined, saying when I die he's going to remarry and have kids with his new wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 39

By Talented73 - 21/07/2016 17:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after a night of heavy drinking while eating jalapeno poppers, I woke up with a terrible hangover. My morning dump was projectile diarrhea. I have a pounding headache, my bunghole feels as if it gave birth to a flaming porcupine and I am at work with 6 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 346

You deserved it 103

By cookie_lover_xx - 21/07/2016 17:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was gonna get off my period because I have been acting emotional lately. It's probably because only father figure I have ever had in my life, my grandfather, just died a few days ago and I'm still pretty upset about it.FML.

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 36

By grossed out - 21/07/2016 13:21 - Denmark - Gentofte

Today, I was on a 6 hour flight between a guy I didn't know, who stunk of red wine and sweat and took up half my seat, and a girl I know, but don't like, who I'm pretty sure was masturbating the whole time under that little blanket of hers. I couldn't decide which way to lean. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 49

By vagsmell - 21/07/2016 13:01

Today, after weeks of gathering the courage, I asked my boyfriend whether he takes a shower right after we finished having sex, because I smell bad? His answer: "Don't take this the wrong way, but I prefer your scent on you, and I really don't like it on me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 44

By joke master - 21/07/2016 12:20 - Australia - Kurunjang

Today, my best friend asked me to be his girlfriend. Out of pure shock i replied "is this a joke?" Turned out i wasn't. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 84

By dog shart - 21/07/2016 11:46 - United States

Today, I discovered our dog anxiety-sharts in his sleep. I found this out after a couple nights of stepping in wet spots located right behind his ass when I got up to pee and accidentally stepped there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 33

By HamMuffins - 21/07/2016 11:42 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I woke up from a nap because I heard my mother and her fiancée having rough sex while I and all my four siblings were still home.

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 30

By BlueP12 - 21/07/2016 11:35 - United States - Muskegon

Today, I met the girl I've always wanted. She's cute, adorable, nice, and we have a lot in common. She's just flat out amazing. Sadly my heart broke into a million pieces when I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 72

By savvy - 21/07/2016 08:44

Today, I woke up at 3 am to some odd noises. When I turned on my phone's flashlight, I realized that a large, fuzzy bat was laying across my legs. Two nights earlier I had cracked my window to let in some air. Turns out I left it a little too cracked. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 95

By Paine - 21/07/2016 08:11

Today, I got all of my wisdom teeth removed. My body thought that I was not suffering enough pain yet, so it decided to start my period now. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 583

You deserved it 73

By dunicha - 21/07/2016 08:03 - United States - La Porte

Today, and for the past week or so, even though there have been no changes to her routine and her litter box is kept clean, my cat has decided she'd rather pee in the middle of the dining room table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 42

By MiraRose - 21/07/2016 07:41 - United States - Spearfish

Today, I was at work when a 10 lbs container fell off a high shelf and hit me in the head. Good news? The container is fine. Bad news? I now have a bruise that looks like I got punched in the face and my head hurts so much I can't even sleep. My 8 hour workday starts in 6 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 31

By That girl... - 21/07/2016 07:23 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up early, worked-out and rushed to work on time. I wondered why my coworkers were noticing me more today. Did I stink? Nope. I showered right after the gym. An older lady suggested I go look in the mirror. I didn't dry off properly, and my boobs had wet spots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 42

By flamed22 - 21/07/2016 06:02 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out my sister is so cheap she used all the gas I put in the car to drive to the city but when she had to fill it she only put 5 dollars of gas in which is just enough to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 33

By Lobat Wang - 21/07/2016 00:31 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was coaching some kids in table tennis when I told them to try a forehand loop, or smash. He didn't hit it hard or fast enough, so I told him to try harder. He swung and the paddle flew out of his hand and hit my in the face. The other coach laughed while I crumpled to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 54

By bumper cars - 20/07/2016 23:44 - United States - Abington

Today, my best friend, who just got his drivers license, convinced me to take my dads brand new car out for a joyride while he wasn't home. He has a company car that he takes to work, so the car was here. He ended up rear ending someone. My dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 203

By Really - 20/07/2016 21:05 - United States - Denver

Today, I bought my husband a massage to help with his back pain. He said his back hurt too much to go. Glad to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 54

By sadblufly - 20/07/2016 17:54 - United States - Lanesville

Today, my week and a half long constipation came to an end. I ended up getting diarrhea so badly that I almost went to the hospital. Turns out my boyfriend made me mashed potatoes with month old milk to try and "help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 34

By breedles - 20/07/2016 10:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year informed me that he will be spending his entire winter break this year with his ex-wife out of country. Apparently, the woman who initially tried to sabotage our relationship is now his ideal company for both Christmas and New Years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 74

By avenged182fold - 20/07/2016 05:47 - United States - O Fallon

Today, I spent two hours in the rain at a concert waiting for my favorite band to come on. The show got canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 96

By batmanstruggles - 20/07/2016 05:33 - United States - Liberty

Today, I walked in my apartment and picked up what I thought was a piece of garbage that my roommate left on the floor. It was a bat that flew away and now I can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 50

By can't escape - 20/07/2016 04:44 - United States - Seaside

Today, I realized that despite telling my obese husband that I am not physically attracted to him and numerous promises to work on his weight, he has swelled up yet another size so that his dimples are now filled out and his neck is barely distinguishable. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 78

By argnog - 20/07/2016 04:39

Today, I was mowing the lawn. I hadn't mowed it in awhile so I didn't realise the rock that was in the grass when I tipped the mower up. It hit the blades, bounced of the fence, and knocked me out while giving me a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 602

You deserved it 58

By polish_sausage - 20/07/2016 04:36 - United States - Auburndale

Today, I realized I finally had enough money saved to surprise my girlfriend with her dream trip to Greece. As I unlocked my phone to call her, I was greeted instead by a text reading: "I don't think I love you anymore." I guess I'll be going to Greece alone. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 50

By thecustomerisalwaysright - 20/07/2016 04:02 - United States - Gladstone

Today, a customer bitched at me in front of her children for 10 minutes because I wouldn't open the store half an hour early for her to buy a cupcake. We barely had started filling the case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 585

You deserved it 38

By plantsaredead - 20/07/2016 03:40 - United States - Garland

Today, while on vacation, I received a text from my friend whom I asked to water my plants saying, "I wasn't supposed to be watering your plants, right?" I've been gone for 5 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 47

By Anonymous - 19/07/2016 23:56

Today, I bought a non-refundable $200 plane ticket to Ohio to be with my girlfriend who moved there a month ago. After buying it she called to break up with me so she could be with another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 42

By Bitter Wife - 19/07/2016 23:37 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my husband decided to sell my car, which is in excellent working condition. Why? He decided to buy a new one without asking me. He spends every spare second pampering the new vehicle and buying accessories for it. Of course, now he's complaining we don't have enough money for bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 34

By Romantic Loser - 19/07/2016 23:25

Today, after a long hike, my boyfriend and I decided to enjoy scented oils in our hotel room jacuzzi. My boyfriend used water from the tub to put the candle flames out. They flared up the wall, triggered the fire alarm and sent hotel staff rushing to our room. I had to pay for his drunken wisdom.FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 38

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The Top

Today, my roommate and I realised our freezer hasn't been working for days. This would be slightly less awful if she hadn't been storing dead rats for her pet snakes in there. Let's just say the smell is interesting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 509

You deserved it 2 892

Today, I stumbled across my boyfriend's tumblr page. I've known him for years and never knew he had one. Being curious, I decided to give it a look, only to be ambushed by a wall of furry porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 265

You deserved it 844

Today, my boss confided in me that when a gay person visits his house, he discreetly follows them around and cleans anything they touched and everywhere they sat with disinfectant wipes. I've worked for him for 7 years but he doesn't know I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 618

You deserved it 2 596

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 898

You deserved it 33 213

Today, while I was driving, a pedestrian gesticulated wildly at me for being on my phone. I was just tucking my hair behind my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 77

Today, I walked downstairs with a couple of bags full of stuff, in preparation for a sleepover at my friend's house. My nine-year-old cousin looked at me and said, "Where're you going? Fat camp?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 581

You deserved it 4 058