Nearly FML

By Anonymous - 26/09/2016 23:11 - United States - Boston

Today, I'm travelling in America and wanted to buy a watch. The US website couldn't cope with an Australian billing address and put it in wrong. So now my bank has locked my credit card and the shop has cancelled my order. I'm on holiday with no watch and no money. FML

agreeclassic 1 541

vote type 1 119

By Ozzien - 26/09/2016 21:12 - United States - Boston

Today, I ran an experiment perfectly in lab. I was the last in my class to finish and proud of how well I'd done. Just as I was about to weigh the product, I spilled half. It weighed 3 miligrams, a record low. FML

agreeclassic 1 269

vote type 1 175

By Anonymous - 26/09/2016 20:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I found out my hours at work were getting cut and given to another employee. Not only are my sales better, the dude has stolen thousands of dollars worth of stuff from our store. I still don't get the logic. FML

agreeclassic 1 461

vote type 1 112

By deflated - 26/09/2016 20:11 - Greece - Athens

Today, I'm on a lovely holiday on an island with my boyfriend trying to fix our struggling relationship. I just found out by accidentally looking at his phone that he's cheating on me. FML.

agreeclassic 1 518

vote type 1 132

By Redhairchick - 26/09/2016 20:06 - United States - Holmen

Today, I screamed so hard during a nightmare that I developed Laryngitis. I work in a call center. This is not the first time it's happened either. FML.

agreeclassic 1 259

vote type 1 112

By bearprint - 26/09/2016 16:38 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found my daughters hiding spot. Yeah there was dolls, matchbox cars and coloring markers. There was also my unpaid credit card bill. FML.

agreeclassic 1 312

vote type 1 104

By MashaV - 26/09/2016 02:45 - United States - Edison

Today, I was following my friends' red minivan in my car, to get to our campground. It was very dark and I had no idea where we were going. I ended up following a complete stranger to their house and freaking them out, cause I was following the wrong red minivan almost the whole time. FML.

agreeclassic 1 601

vote type 1 219

By darkshinymew - 24/09/2016 16:06 - United States - Euless

Today, my cat noticed the rotten pumpkin in our house that I didnt realize was rotten. Lets just say that cleaning up rotten pumpkin pawprints from the carpet is not the best way to spend a Saturday. Fml.

agreeclassic 1 264

vote type 1 219

By recovery lane - 24/09/2016 07:57 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to work a double shift as a server with a multi-fractured foot because my boss decided I've had too much time off. I just got off crutches. FML.

agreeclassic 1 455

vote type 1 128

By ThwartedTrumpeter - 23/09/2016 04:57 - United States - Goshen

Today, as a freelancing musician, I had to pass on the best gig I've ever been offered (worth over $2000) because of one unresolvable schedule conflict. The conflict came from a relatively unimportant but necessary hourly job I started two days ago. FML

agreeclassic 1 737

vote type 1 302

By the real Brit - 23/09/2016 04:57 - Canada - Surrey

Today, after just moving home from working two years abroad, my Dad told me that he wouldn't be able to see me on my birthday because his new girlfriend's son has his birthday party on the same day. FML

agreeclassic 1 715

vote type 1 133

By Accident Prone - 23/09/2016 03:28 - United States - Leitchfield

Today, I painted and repaired two bookcases for my Grandma. As I was putting it all back together Grandma bumped three of the shelves causing them to slam into my elbow. It swelled immediately and bruised. She turns and looks at it and says at least finish your part before you act hurt. FML

agreeclassic 1 369

vote type 1 116

By Anonymous - 23/09/2016 00:04 - United States

Today, I asked my sister why she was wearing my shirt to the gym. She said because all my shirts are big and baggy. FML

agreeclassic 1 152

vote type 1 225

By OfficerinCharge - 22/09/2016 18:29 - Italy - Pozzuoli

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Hot, funny, smart, sensitive, he guesses at what I need before I ask for it. Too bad I'm his superior officer, and even flirting is a major crime. FML

agreeclassic 1 614

vote type 1 128

By queenbitchy - 22/09/2016 04:11 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while my boyfriend and I were drunk we had sex in the shower, I managed to slip and hit myself on the edge of the tub resulting in a fractured pelvic bone. Fml

agreeclassic 1 606

vote type 1 296

By anonymous - 22/09/2016 00:20 - Canada - Halifax

Today, at 16, I had my first swimming lesson. I have to do it for physiotherapy and really didn't want to because I'm insecure about my body. Today, I also met my instructor. He's a 17-year-old boy. FML

agreeclassic 1 579

vote type 1 162

By 7iven8Nine - 21/09/2016 19:51 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I discovered, after a few weeks of trying different drinks, that any liquid makes me instantly need to take a dump. I have the choice of being incredibly thirsty or constantly holding it in. FML

agreeclassic 1 267

vote type 1 103

By darkdiamons - 21/09/2016 15:06 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, while discussing with my boyfriend Brangelinas break up I said Brad probably cheated again because "if they cheat with them, they'll cheat on them". I later remembered his parents got together through an affair, FML.

agreeclassic 1 259

vote type 1 221

By Pissed and prejudice - 21/09/2016 07:42 - United States - Miami

Today, I watched pride and prejudice for the first time. I wanted to sit down and enjoy the movie with my boyfriend, since we haven't had much time with each other lately. He wouldn't shut up about Jack Black. FML

agreeclassic 1 247

vote type 1 238

By trapped - 20/09/2016 18:25 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my live in boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for the last three days because I asked him to mix a salad with its dressing. When I asked him about it he told me it's my fault because I just make him so damn angry. Seriously. What. the. fuck. FML.

agreeclassic 1 401

vote type 1 173

By ninjastripes1110 - 20/09/2016 04:18 - United States - Wheeler

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he's unhappy with his life. He's basically with me because I own all the furniture in the house. I'm 1200 miles away from home. FML

agreeclassic 1 473

vote type 1 158

By Okumura - 20/09/2016 01:28 - Canada - Moose Jaw

Today around 7 am, I was taking a short walk for a smoke break. I saw a super fit man running, we made eye contact, then he lifted his chin at me. I walked right into a pole. Then I heard him laugh as he ran away. FML.

agreeclassic 1 397

vote type 1 222

By dommiebear - 20/09/2016 00:23 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, as a worn out and broke retail clerk, I dropped by Dunkin Donuts to get coffee. As I was leaving, receipt in one hand, coffee and change in the other, I attempted to toss my receipt in the trash. I used the wrong hand. FML.

agreeclassic 1 374

vote type 1 275

By anon - 20/09/2016 00:07 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I play softball and we use eye black because it helps block out the glare. I sat down at my desk to do my makeup and put some chapstick on instead of lipgloss. Turns out, it was not chapstick, it was my eyeblack. They come in similar packaging and now my lips are stained black. FML

agreeclassic 1 157

vote type 1 186

By Josè - 19/09/2016 22:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was cooking dinner when I set off the fire alarm in my flat building. The neighbour from upstairs run down in a blind panic knocking on everyone's door and managing to smash the fire box that has left the fire alarm ringing continuously for the past 3 hrs. FML

agreeclassic 1 079

vote type 1 95

By Anonymous - 19/09/2016 19:59 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, we were given an essay topic in English. The assignment involves us picking a politician by drawing lots. I ended up drawing Trump. I now have to write an essay on why Trump's policies are better than the opposing party's while backing up anything he says. FML.

agreeclassic 1 522

vote type 1 213

By dimlylitclown - 19/09/2016 19:56 - United Kingdom - Blyth

Today, after leaving my previous job because of constant management changes and a lack of stability, I discovered that my new manager is now leaving for another branch. FML.

agreeclassic 923

vote type 1 96

By HairToStay - 19/09/2016 16:04 - United States - Arvada

Today, my wife announced she had a sexy surprise for me. Turns out she got a Brazilian wax, which is a huge turn-off for me. Not only could I not get it up, I got to hear all about how much her last boyfriend loved it. FML.

agreeclassic 15 117

vote type 1 2 869

By ASmileIsPoliteTeethBaring - 19/09/2016 07:59 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I feigned ignorance as my cousin's in-laws repeatedly slighted me in their native tongue over dinner. It seems they forgot that, while I had trouble speaking the language, I could still understand everything they were saying. My cousin just gave me a few uneasy looks between ignoring me. FML

agreeclassic 1 382

vote type 1 163

By hayleyem - 18/09/2016 04:29 - Canada

Today, my boss sat me down for my evaluation. Not only did she have nothing good to say because she was evaluating me for last season when I first started, but she started comparing me to the part timers and how well they're doing. I'm a full time assistant manager. FML

agreeclassic 1 078

vote type 1 155

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Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

agreeclassic 35 291

vote type 1 13 530

Today, my stepmother ruined my wedding by trying to get me to cover my tattoos with makeup. She spilled makeup on my dress, delayed the limo, talked through the ceremony about my tattoos looking horrible, and tried to cancel our photographer so there’d by no official photos of my horrible tattoos. FML

agreeclassic 964

vote type 1 189

Today, my girlfriend will only have sex when she's on her period, because it's the only time she gets horny. She also gets body acne, bloating, and utterly foul BO and gas. The sex is so unpleasant, I'm starting to wish she just got cranky and emotional. FML

agreeclassic 483

vote type 1 237

Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML

agreeclassic 32 719

vote type 1 4 767

Today, I had to convince policemen I’m not a victim of domestic abuse after I had to go to hospital for a stab wound for the second time since Xmas. I’m just hopelessly clumsy. I managed to stab myself with a screwdriver while opening a paint tin. Last time, it was a knitting needle while knitting Xmas jumpers. FML

agreeclassic 958

vote type 1 194

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

agreeclassic 12 439

vote type 1 20 763