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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 21:29 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 962

You deserved it 3 570

By how about never? - 19/10/2014 11:22 - United States - San Fernando

Spicy

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 961

You deserved it 5 180

Wurdz

By onefishtwofishes - 23/05/2013 20:15 - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 961

You deserved it 4 472

By katelynm - 08/02/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 960

You deserved it 9 005

By Username - 16/04/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 959

You deserved it 4 708

By ForeverAlone - 06/03/2013 22:28 - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 953

You deserved it 2 813

By StephLo - 18/08/2014 21:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting at a stop light in the left turn lane, when a homeless guy on the sidewalk walked up to my car with a, "Bet you can't hit me with a quarter" sign. The lady on my right decided to throw a quarter at him, but it missed and hit my windshield. She yelled, "Oh fuck!" and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 951

You deserved it 3 053

StephLo_fml tells us more.

StephLo_fml 3

Tuesday 19 August 2014 23:10

No windshield damage that I could see, just sort of startling that she would throw a coin two lanes away during heavy traffic -___-

By notafatlump - 02/02/2011 05:07

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 951

You deserved it 3 957

By Anonymous - 14/01/2013 05:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 949

You deserved it 3 495

By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 09/06/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 949

You deserved it 9 491

By Anonymous - 09/02/2015 14:53 - United States - Middleton

Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 948

You deserved it 3 372

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 11:27 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 945

You deserved it 3 843

Stuck on ugly

By bleh - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 944

You deserved it 3 252

Don't dick around with those guys

By Cuntface McGee - 21/02/2014 21:37 - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 941

You deserved it 18 649

By Anonymous - 30/08/2010 06:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 941

You deserved it 6 937

By jennlikewhoa - 18/07/2011 10:07 - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then stole my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 937

You deserved it 4 544

Solitude

By someone72 - 22/03/2010 23:20 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated because I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone, I realized my mind had played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely, I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 934

You deserved it 7 601

By Anonymous - 11/07/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 933

You deserved it 2 105

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 932

You deserved it 9 254

Emotional rollercoaster

By chynna - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 932

You deserved it 6 757

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Spicy

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 929

You deserved it 11 932

By brando2k5 - 06/12/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 926

You deserved it 5 793

By metalmusic - 05/07/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 922

You deserved it 4 408

By TypeOhNegative - 23/10/2012 03:18 - United States - Las Vegas

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and I asked him to call me something sweet. He called me Honey Boo Boo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 920

You deserved it 8 368

TypeOhNegative tells us more.

TypeOhNegative 2

Sunday 4 November 2012 19:58

Hello. I'm the original poster. My boyfriend and I saw Honey Boo Boo for the first time the night before. He had it stuck in head and he just blurted it out. I laughed, he laughed too, and it's just a funny story to tell people. We're not fans of Honey Boo Boo, FYI. To get revenge, I tell him he has the sex appeal of Mitt Romney's voice, haha.

Dumb it down

By alejandro38 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 920

You deserved it 3 592

By drivencrazy - 06/07/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 920

You deserved it 2 951

By Courtney - 28/06/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 919

You deserved it 5 131

By 14YearOld - 25/11/2011 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 918

You deserved it 8 004

By Anonymous - 26/09/2014 19:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 917

You deserved it 4 525

Misconstrued

By heyadrian - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Gardena

Today, I went to a family reunion. I laughed at my uncle's Sylvester Stallone impression. Turns out he had a stroke a while back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 917

You deserved it 16 774

heyadrian tells us more.

heyadrian 2

Thursday 20 February 2014 20:20

OP here. we didn't know my uncle that well he was one of the family members that dropped off the face of the earth. I came in at the wrong time when people were laughing so I thought he was doing an impression this is both a FML and a YDI

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Today, I finally accepted I need help with my anxiety issues. I started small and I joined a support forum and wrote a post. I was quickly called a troll by multiple users, accused of faking it, and told to "fuck off back to Tumblr" because they wouldn't believe my anxiety is really so serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 980

You deserved it 3 810

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 136

You deserved it 2 998

Today, I woke up to my balls covered in Icy Hot, a big old "fuck you" note from my girlfriend, and my door slamming shut. I'm starting to get the distinct impression I shouldn't have made that off-hand remark last night about her PMSing, after she rage-quit a game of Mario Kart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 108

You deserved it 30 873

Today, I dutifully attended my husband's local gig at a coffee shop. I thus found out, through song, about my husband's affair, in front of about 100 people. All of whom we both know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 211

You deserved it 2 094

Today, my wife started a 24 hour urine collection as directed by the doctor for her pregnancy. She has to collect the urine in a gallon jug, and refrigerate it. At lunch time, I went to go get the rest of my sandwich but was unable to find it, until she suggested I "look under the piss jug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 447

You deserved it 2 811

Today, I was going on my first date. I was planning my outfit with my mom when my dad offered his advice. “That boy won’t care what outfit you’re wearing, just make sure you wear sexy underwear and carry a condom, guaranteed first date success. That’s how me and your mom got married, you know?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 477

You deserved it 128