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By vinniesuckmadack - 24/04/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to go to school. I was unbelievably tired, but I gathered the courage to go take my shower. I then took a long shower, cleaned up my room, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Going back to my room, I looked at the clock, which read 3:22 AM. FML

agreeclassic 47 468

vote type 1 37 999

By lene - 17/02/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, the ninth grade dean called me into his office to talk. He asked me if I was new, because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I've been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML

agreeclassic 47 466

vote type 1 3 382

Check these out

By notenough - 29/08/2009 04:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

agreeclassic 47 463

vote type 1 10 107

How could you?

By passedoutpolly - 01/08/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

agreeclassic 47 463

vote type 1 3 630

As a treat

By Sleepdeprived - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

agreeclassic 47 462

vote type 1 9 992

Thanks, I hate this

By fat girl - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 47 461

vote type 1 5 710

Freak out

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

agreeclassic 47 460

vote type 1 3 621

By coltsfoot - 23/05/2010 09:08 - Norway

Spicy

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

agreeclassic 47 459

vote type 1 7 092

By Anonymous - 07/05/2014 20:57 - India - Kundan

Today, my boss was fired by the board. A few days ago, he dropped several strong hints that he was going to promote me soon. FML

agreeclassic 47 459

vote type 1 3 524

By Anonymous - 06/05/2014 22:47 - United States - Sparks

Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML

agreeclassic 47 453

vote type 1 3 836

By veggiegal - 13/02/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

agreeclassic 47 452

vote type 1 7 879

By SisterOfTard - 10/11/2014 16:31 - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

agreeclassic 47 450

vote type 1 4 711

By mj - 05/06/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She'd actually started dating another man a few months ago, but she wanted to drag our marriage out as long as possible just in case her new relationship fell through. FML

agreeclassic 47 450

vote type 1 3 381

By anon - 12/12/2014 01:43 - United States - Commack

Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML

agreeclassic 47 449

vote type 1 2 821

By Anonymous - 21/02/2014 16:32 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

agreeclassic 47 449

vote type 1 4 914

By areyoukiddingme - 07/09/2013 04:50 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

agreeclassic 47 447

vote type 1 3 275

By LizGo - 17/11/2013 06:00 - United States - Greenville

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

agreeclassic 47 446

vote type 1 14 705

By fuck off, eh! - 07/03/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

agreeclassic 47 445

vote type 1 5 094

By sobasics - 06/05/2013 23:43 - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

agreeclassic 47 445

vote type 1 3 726

By Anonymous - 16/05/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

agreeclassic 47 439

vote type 1 10 016

By unknown relationship - 28/06/2013 05:23 - United States - Shorewood

Today, after working at my job for months, I quit. Why? My boss tried to convince me that we are in a secret relationship, after he told me he loved me. FML

agreeclassic 47 439

vote type 1 3 151

By JuniorDetective - 07/05/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of walking home when I saw an old woman trying to get away from what looked like a mugger. I go over and try to help her out and get the man off of her, which was successful. Turns out she was having a heart attack and the man was a doctor. FML

agreeclassic 47 437

vote type 1 17 854

Backhanded

By kiwi - 13/02/2009 19:24 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

agreeclassic 47 436

vote type 1 5 620

By thankssiren - 24/05/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

agreeclassic 47 435

vote type 1 6 001

By dancekat - 08/04/2013 09:17 - United States - Puyallup

Spicy

Today, I shaved my pubic area for my fiancé. He told me it looked "like Frodo tried to hack off Gandalf's beard with Gimli's ax." FML

agreeclassic 47 433

vote type 1 12 051

dancekat app_comment_confession_title

dancekat 7

Monday 8 April 2013 22:32

Hey, OP here, we had a big laugh about it afterwards. He knew I would love the reference. There was only one nick and he was pretty concerned after he made the joke. P.S. I've loved reading all these comments; they're amazing!

By Anonymous - 01/07/2014 04:26 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him. He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. FML

agreeclassic 47 430

vote type 1 6 104

By Lockedinroom - 05/02/2013 16:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML

agreeclassic 47 430

vote type 1 13 928

By Anonymous - 08/06/2011 11:22 - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

agreeclassic 47 430

vote type 1 3 832

As usual

By jadakorn - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

agreeclassic 47 426

vote type 1 29 692

By Delanto - 06/02/2014 16:54 - United States

Today, I was driving along when I noticed a kid struggling to push his car up the crest of a hill. I jumped out to help him, and he acted surprised to see me. Once we got the car over the hill, it rolled on down. I then saw that no one was actually in the driver's seat. I'd helped a vandal. FML

agreeclassic 47 426

vote type 1 8 487

Delanto app_comment_confession_title

Delanto 7

Thursday 6 February 2014 21:45

Oh, trust me...the teen wasn't the owner. He didn't even look at me after the car rolled away, he just jogged off. The car luckily jumped a curb down the road and was stopped by a tree. I did phone the sheriff's department, the deputy took my info and the description of the teen. Haven't heard anything else about it nor did I see the owner (luckily).

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Today, I had to come to terms with having more facial hair than my boyfriend, despite being female since birth. FML

agreeclassic 410

vote type 1 87

Today, in frustration, I threw a spanner across the room at work, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. I woke up in an ambulance with a cracked skull and a gorgeous EMT lady. I would've tried to ask her out, but while I was out cold I'd pissed myself, and the whole ambulance reeked of it. FML

agreeclassic 354

vote type 1 1 440

Today, I called to see if my bridesmaid's dress was ready. They told me it had already been picked up, the bride's mom picked up the dress and got rid of it because she doesn't want me in the wedding. FML

agreeclassic 21 608

vote type 1 1 268

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

agreeclassic 18 398

vote type 1 1 787

Today, my ex adopted a dog from the dog pound. It was the same dog he made me get rid of while we were still together. FML

agreeclassic 31 647

vote type 1 8 518

Today, my great grandfather got arrested. Why? He is still shell shocked from World War II, so when we went to a hibachi grill, he didn't want any of those, "Damn Japs" to touch his food, and our chef didn't take too kindly to his verbal assault. FML

agreeclassic 1 262

vote type 1 490