The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Fromage

By Anonymous - 20/11/2023 14:00

Today, I spent a good 30 seconds licking my husbands' penis all over before I drew back his foreskin to really start going to town on it, only to discover that under the head was covered in his stinking knob cheese. I threw up three times. He’s an adult man and can’t wash himself properly. Pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 238

5 Yelp stars

By Jeff89 - 16/05/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled. As the dentist was drilling, he accidentally hit a nerve and I ended up screaming in pain. The whole office heard me and now I'm too embarrassed to go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 138

Repressed memories

By Anonymous - 17/02/2023 18:00 - Australia

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about my uncle who committed suicide when I was younger. When I tried to remember his name, my mind went completely blank. It was bugging me all day, until I remembered halfway through the movie we were watching. It took me a whole day to remember my deceased uncle's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 184

Backwards backwoods brainrot

By Anonymous - 03/05/2025 13:00 - United States

Today, I’ve had to threaten my husband with divorce unless he drops this disgusting and archaic idea of forcing our daughters to do “virginity pledges.” He even wants to rent out a venue and have a “purity ball” to celebrate this nonsense with his caveman friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 161

The Marlboro Man

By Victoria - 19/10/2022 18:00

Today, I'm trying to quit smoking because I'm actually running low on money. I just realized that I'm actually spending a lot more money and gaining more weight by eating junk food to relieve my anxiety than what I used to spend buying packs of cigarettes. I can't afford a psychologist, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 260

I smell winter

By Anonymous - 19/01/2021 17:02

Today, in my mom’s house, I can stay in one of two rooms: The one that's clean, tidy, quiet and has a comfortable seat… or the one that's warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 138

Casual sexism

By QueenofMean2U - 21/01/2023 07:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, we found out someone got fired, and someone who was supposed to get fired, did not. I wonder if the boss is sleeping with employees, because all the men always get fired, but a few of the women haven't, and one cannot account for $30,000 in missing parts. I'm too old to finesse the boss like the thots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 147

Thanks for the memories

By Bpride1 - 10/11/2021 23:00 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I was victim to not one but two narcissists. I'd totally thought that these people were my friends, but everyone warned me that, "They’re only your friends when they need something from you.” I should’ve listened. I constantly felt like they were just using me. A "Thank you" goes a long way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 276

Duplicitous

By Anonymous - 12/04/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who looked like Ryan Gosling in his profile pictures. When I arrived at the restaurant, he was wearing a tank top, flip flops, and looked more like an actual Gosling, but not as cute. He then had the audacity to bail, stating I was skinnier than I was in my pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 181

One, two, three, four…

By Anonymous - 06/12/2022 00:00 - Canada

Today, I thought I was having a nice day at work, until I had a client who paid me $376 in rolls made of 0.05 and 0.10. It took me an hour to count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 118

Alexa, play "Catch the Breeze" by Slowdive

By Anonymous - 21/06/2022 02:00

Today, my OCD mother got mad because I wouldn't let her turn the fan over my head at a higher speed than low. She's got every other fan going at high speed but not aimed at herself, while I'm trying to work from home without the wind in my face for 8 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 199

NOT THE MAN BUN!

By Anonymous - 06/12/2023 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched my future son-in-law try and fail to parallel park 8 times before he gave up and started crying. That’s the 4th time he’s cried this weekend. I’m trying so hard to understand why my daughter loves him. He’s an unemployed little crybaby, with a man bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 255

What's in store for me?

By Disabled - 02/02/2023 12:00

Today, my mom has fibromyalgia and the absolute worst case of arthritis that at least four different doctors have ever seen, I have dyspraxia, my dad has been diagnosed with arthritis, and my older brother is also showing signs of arthritis. Physical ailments run rampant in my family, in case you didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 108

Asshat walking

By Bad employee - 28/06/2023 11:00 - United States

Today, a random customer at work admonished my coworker for being on her phone. During our lunch break. As he walked away, my coworker muttered, "What the fuck is his problem?" I nodded in agreement. He heard her and saw me nodding. As did our boss. Time to get written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 186

Weaponized

By Anonymous - 16/06/2023 18:02 - Canada - Kirkland

Today, in the middle of a rough separation, my soon-to-be-ex-wife, who refuses to acknowledge it's over, told the children that I'm still going with them on that long-planned family vacation. The children are ecstatic; I however might be a bit less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 192

OK Boomer

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 10:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my dad said to me, "This millenial idea that you can be happy in life is so wrong." FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 209

Question time

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 17:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I'm constantly checking my emails to see if any of the jobs have got back to me, but nothing yet. There's this one place I really want to work at, and I've already sent a follow-up email for the job, and it's driving me crazy that I haven't heard anything. What should I do? FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 240

The Gush

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 22:01

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 2 072

Hangry dude

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 20:01

Today, I accidentally bit so hard on my fork that I cracked my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 254

Enlightened centrism

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 20:01

Today, I asked my right-of-center best friend what exactly he hates about Critical Race Theory. His only coherent answer was, “It’s too critical!” This is my son’s godfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 472

Freaked out

By Why - 09/04/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, there is a huge lump on my neck. I thought it was a boil, but it didn't seem to hurt at all, nor was it bothersome. It wasn't until my mom pointed out its existence and size one too many times that I started to feel uncomfortable, and now suddenly I can't sleep at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 194

Try again

By Anonymous - 10/09/2021 14:01 - Luxembourg

Today, I spent almost 8 hours working on a piece of hand lettering art for a friend. When I sent her a preview, she loved it, but also pointed out that the title was off centre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 242

Shit yourself time

By Seth - 04/07/2021 22:01

Today, on my way to a job interview, I saw a dog running down the road so I stopped to pet it. It was a wolf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 566

Always Google things before accepting

By Anonymous - 29/11/2021 17:02

Today, after a coworker had invited me over for a "Mukbang" and I'd agreed, thinking it was just some sort of exotic delicacy, I found out that he expected me to eat like a million calories of food on camera for his YouTube channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 557

Unfair

By Anonymous - 21/07/2023 15:00

Today, my fat brother has nothing wrong with him. His blood pressure, cholesterol, and absolutely everything are perfectly normal, despite him being 10 stone overweight. I'm 12 stone and exercise regularly, yet I have 4 separate serious medical conditions, one of which might one day kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 234

The more you know

By Jeff - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 3 529

Weird movie choice

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 00:01

Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 389

Happens at all ages

By Lunar-Spice - 07/11/2020 23:02

Today, my roommate had to ask to check if I was drinking water instead of alcohol. Twice. Then she 'suggested' that I 'might' be an alcoholic. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 281

When nature calls

By Andrew Williams - 11/12/2020 14:01

Today, as I was walking to go look at Christmas lights in my neighborhood, I really had to go number two. I called my dad to come and pick me up. I couldn’t hold it in much longer, so I took a crap in the sewer in the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 371

Slipping up

By Drai Gray - 24/06/2019 14:12

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally called her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister, and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 3 738

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 906

You deserved it 2 138

Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 093

You deserved it 286

Today, I asked my girlfriend to wait at my new place for some furniture to be delivered. When I got the notification on my phone, I checked the cameras and saw her pressing her sweaty armpits against multiple surfaces. When confronted, she said she was using pheromones to “mark her territory.” WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 180

You deserved it 225

Today, I was at the movies. All of a sudden, the woman next to me starts laughing uncontrollably and talking to her friend during the movie. This continued throughout the movie, ruining it. I turned and whispered to my friend. The woman then taps me on the shoulder and yells, "Shut the fuck up!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 682

You deserved it 4 770

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 536

You deserved it 1 150

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 568

You deserved it 4 332