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By anonymous - 19/10/2011 12:19 - Australia

Today, my best friend who I have known for ten years recommended I didn't continue a relationship with my girlfriend. I thought she wanted to go out with me which I was hoping for, for a long time. Turns out she wanted to go out with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 979

You deserved it 6 958

By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 451

You deserved it 4 043

By Mayabie - 16/10/2011 21:08 - France

Today, at my job in a cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like yours. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 219

You deserved it 6 410

Not that sort, I swear

By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 11:01 - Luxembourg - Mamer

Today, I threw out a bunch of Coca-Cola bottles that had been in my room for who knows how long. My mother noticed them in the recycling and promptly told our neighbours that I have a "coke habit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 093

You deserved it 183

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Spicy

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 935

You deserved it 11 937

Strapped for cash

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year-old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 319

You deserved it 5 583

Headshot

By Username - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 208

You deserved it 31 377

PANIC

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I'd fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 417

You deserved it 11 953

The secret

By vickyxanne - 13/06/2009 00:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 900

You deserved it 4 802

Old lady hotline

By fml9124 - 02/11/2020 08:08

Today, I called the Suicide hotline. I dialled the number wrong and woke some poor old lady. She thought I was her son and kept asking me, "How come you don't visit anymore?" I told her I couldn't visit because of the Covid pandemic. I lied to an elderly woman I've never met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 206

You deserved it 208

By dmanrique - 04/10/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 477

You deserved it 3 226

Cool move, dude

By Anonymous - 09/12/2010 09:47 - France

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 699

You deserved it 4 272

By Kayt - 03/10/2011 04:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 528

You deserved it 4 663

The gall

By DisgustedAF - 14/04/2023 00:00 - United States - Miami

Spicy

Today, a few days within moving back in with my mother, I received sympathy flowers for my deceased son. They were from my ex-neighbor, the bitch who was supposed to be watching him but instead decided to have sex with my soon to be ex-husband in the house while my son drowned in the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 161

You deserved it 150

Cheers!

By imamonster1992 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend got rejected by his dream college. In an effort to comfort him, I told him that he is incredibly smart and that it's their loss. He replied, "Of course you think so, you're an idiot!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 421

You deserved it 5 078

It's literally 1987 by George Doorbell

By anon - 17/04/2023 03:00

Today, I took some leftover Indian food to work, and commented to a coworker that I loved to cook recipes from other cultures. Later, I got a hearing with HR about cultural appropriation. The HR rep said, "Stick to plain chicken and boiled potatoes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 170

Cool cool cool

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 02:14 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dishwasher. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 415

You deserved it 1 432

By confused - 28/09/2011 04:55 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 242

You deserved it 8 737

By Jay - 06/06/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I bought my cat a nice big bag of expensive anti-hairball catfood, so she'd stop puking hairballs on my things. After eating it, she started running around wildly, howling and projectile vomiting on EVERYTHING. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 768

You deserved it 7 221

My friends' reaction when I see my ex

By Lewis - 13/12/2018 17:58 - France - Paris

Let it go!

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 66

By noxiffic - 31/10/2014 12:31 - Norway - Sandnes

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 409

You deserved it 3 144

By ttREZZ - 27/07/2013 05:02 - United States - Fishers

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about how I'm jealous of her best guy friend always hanging around her. She responded by saying, "Wait, I thought you knew I was dating him too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 073

You deserved it 6 620

ttREZZ tells us more.

ttREZZ 1

Sunday 28 July 2013 6:14

Well this was my post..to clear things up, we had been dating three years, what we agreed would be exclusive. She met her best guy friend about two years into our relationship and started "dating him too" about four months ago.

Benched

By fmlprobot - 04/06/2009 23:48 - United States

Today, my baseball team had a game and one of our best players was injured sliding into first. I'm pretty fast so when the coach called my name I grabbed a helmet assuming it was finally my chance to get in the game. Turns out he just wanted me to get ice. The entire team couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 428

You deserved it 4 684

By anonymous - 01/12/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 829

You deserved it 3 745

Thanks, auntie

By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - 16/08/2012 19:28 - United States - Bentonville

Spicy

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 186

You deserved it 3 716

By ThanksMom - 02/06/2009 12:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and parents went out to dinner. As we started the meal, my boyfriend proposed and the restaurant burst into applause. My mother said without hesitation and a large scowl, "If you say yes, I'm leaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 222

You deserved it 4 362

ThanksMom tells us more.

ThanksMom 0

Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:26

Hi, FMLer here. The reason my mother said that was because she wanted me to get back together with my first boyfriend, though I've been with my new fiance for 5 years. She never got over me leaving my first and never accepted anyone after. And as you might have noticed in my previous paragraph- I said yes! (And by the way, my father told my mother if she leaves, he'd stay and wouldnt give her the car keys. ;) )

Rubbing it in

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because he "didn't believe in marriage." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 895

You deserved it 4 872

By Jorgen - 18/12/2015 01:45 - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 839

You deserved it 2 344

Higher than the sun

By Bad Dad - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 952

You deserved it 5 112

By awesomekidsmum - 18/09/2011 01:20 - Canada

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 792

You deserved it 9 143

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The Top

The Top

Today, my boyfriend whispered, “Grond will breach it” into my ear, all sexy like. I had no idea what he was on about, so when we were done screwing I looked it up. Grond is a battering ram from a deleted scene in Lord of the Rings that smashes a gate open. Just why? Nerd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 393

Today, I went to a political debate, and now I'm more confused than when I arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 262

Today, I accompanied a friend to the hospital to visit the guy I like, who was just out of surgery and still high. When he asked who we were, my friend immediately said that I was his wife. He then started bawling, saying, "Oh God! No! What did I do to deserve this?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 606

You deserved it 541

Today, my brother and his girlfriend got married. I got a pretty bad pimple on my nose not long before, and I'd tried to pop it. It turned into a really bad scab instead, so I put makeup on it. I didn't notice until after the wedding that the makeup made the scab look badly infected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 200

Today, I found out that the amazing, funny guy who introduced me to FML, and who would laugh in band with me every day at FMLs, has died. In his honor, FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 95

Today, I found out why my boyfriend didn’t want me to attend his graduation: because a classmate he’s been seeing was there. I watched through the livestream posted on the school website as they held hands, hugged and kissed. I motivated him to finish college in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 859

You deserved it 114