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Go, Vegan!

By Cheryl - 16/10/2019 04:00

Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 957

You deserved it 562

Not a great start

By anon - 05/06/2021 02:01

Today, after waiting to losing our virginity together, we finally did it, only for my boyfriend to claim he doesn't understand how people enjoy sex, since he found the waiting stressful, the sex awkward and undignified, the orgasm unimpressive and so sticky, he was desperate for a shower afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 222

By Catuser - 06/03/2014 03:09 - United States - Bracey

Today, I was in my Honors English class. I sneezed very loudly while my teacher was giving a lecture. I had the genius idea to say, "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 227

You deserved it 55 470

Catuser tells us more.

Catuser 14

Saturday 8 March 2014 6:09

This is the follow up: My teacher did laugh it off but sternly told me to never do it again or I will be suspended from her class. Thanks for publishing my first FML!

Lord have mercy

By Simms - 14/03/2012 02:32 - United States

Today, I got back to work at my hospital after some sick leave. The first jackass to waste my time was a guy with leg lacerations. This, he claimed, was because he tried to break a samurai sword over his leg as part of a bet. It's day one and already I want to kill myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 557

You deserved it 6 479

Domestic bliss

By penguinwaddle - 18/06/2021 12:47

Today, I’ve been depressed lately and can’t get motivation to clean. My husband helped me clean, while he continued to complain how I should've done this while I was off work. My depression is from his meth use, dating websites, porn, and lying to me about it for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 400

You deserved it 322

Never Let Go tells us more.

Never Let Go 18

Wednesday 3 April 2024 23:29

Hi, OP here. This was back in 2021 and at the end of 2023 my husband went to rehab and he is working his steps and becoming a functioning member of society again. Along with back to being the husband I married❤️ things are great now. I did get involved in an ALANON group that has been insightful and very supportive along with friends and family.

Mommy knows best?

By Mamasboyhater - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 194

You deserved it 5 729

Happy Halloween?

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I saw photos of my roommate a recent party. OK, I'll admit I'm a little dark-skinned, but was it really necessary for him to color his face in black marker so he could go as "me" for a Halloween party? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 314

You deserved it 220

Creepy kid

By Anonymous - 29/08/2022 22:00

Today, I took my boys over to their grandmother’s house. We had a nice supper together. We all talked, played board games, and watched TV. After a while, I couldn’t find my 13 year-old son. He was in his 67 year-old grandmother’s master bathroom, jerking off with her dirty granny panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 218

By K.. - 07/05/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 883

You deserved it 3 732

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 679

You deserved it 96 659

By asdfasdf - 03/03/2009 15:38 - United States

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 934

You deserved it 22 557

I'll get my coat

By .…… - 27/02/2012 00:02 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying, "Next time, I'll call." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 709

You deserved it 4 603

By Imrickar - 30/04/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 226

You deserved it 7 832

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 544

You deserved it 57 335

Pain like no one has ever seen before

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 356

You deserved it 5 869

Nice day for a picnic

By litterbug - 06/07/2021 04:01

Today, I have to go to court to contest a bullshit citation I got in the local park. I’m pregnant and was picnicking with my kids when my toddler ran off. I took off after him, leaving my blanket and food. When I came back, the power tripping park ranger wrote me a ticket for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 391

You deserved it 121

By deargodthepain - 02/02/2014 16:53 - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 303

You deserved it 8 878

By Anonymous - 28/01/2014 21:57 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 733

You deserved it 5 764

Going too far

By cad515 - 07/07/2021 02:01

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try role play. She suggested I be a robber, so I went outside and tried to break in my window, wearing nothing but my underwear and a ski mask on. She decided it would be funny to call the cops, because it would, "add to the mood." They came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 471

By Originality18 - 24/02/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimer's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 464

You deserved it 7 887

By Anonn - 23/02/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 199

You deserved it 23 507

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 18:16 - United States

Today, after three weeks of fighting with my husband, I found out that he really didn't create an account on a website for cheaters and charge the bill to his credit card. Our daughter did it as a prank, and only confessed because our fighting was stressing her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 042

You deserved it 6 596

Squirting the night away

By svet - 22/02/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 538

You deserved it 84 315

By Anonymous - 07/06/2016 19:27 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 312

You deserved it 1 244

Easy

By pokie - 30/08/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 951

You deserved it 9 459

Bear with me

By bear food - 08/01/2014 04:37 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my friends and I went camping in the woods. I fell asleep first. Waking up hours later to them bunched up together in the middle of the tent and me half-way outside, I confronted them about it. They admitted, "We heard a bear so we needed a sacrifice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 758

You deserved it 5 551

By anon - 14/01/2013 03:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 974

You deserved it 3 682

By Andrew - 02/01/2014 23:49 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 121

You deserved it 8 588

Tension

By Anonymous - 06/04/2011 11:47 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said, "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 002

You deserved it 5 479

By isoheartcaitlin - 25/08/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling after getting it on a few times. He holds my face in his hands, looks deep into my eyes and says "I smell chicken." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 389

You deserved it 6 168

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The Top

Today, I put a magnet on my brand new car. I got rear-ended by someone who was trying to read it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 193

You deserved it 875

Today, some friends and I had a wine tasting evening, and I tried to impress my friends by showing off my extensive knowledge of different wines. I confidently described the subtle "notes of vanilla and oak" in a bottle of wine… only to find out that my "friends" had pranked me, and it was actually grape juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 957

Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 840

You deserved it 3 863

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 937

You deserved it 282

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 532

You deserved it 5 066

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 519

You deserved it 2 793