The Top

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Confused?

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 07:09 - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 306

You deserved it 3 737

By sexyconvo - 25/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 539

You deserved it 7 437

Suspicious minds

By abusedparrot - 24/08/2014 12:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 276

You deserved it 6 143

Netflix is a drug

By Alexandra - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 852

You deserved it 1 170

By idiot bro - 06/07/2014 18:04 - United States - Brunswick

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 772

You deserved it 4 462

By livingonmyownfromnowon - 13/09/2016 06:38 - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 753

You deserved it 1 555

By ScaryOldMan - 07/10/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 644

You deserved it 13 273

By QueenCee - 02/04/2015 02:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at work, a guy complained about me "touching his fries." At first I thought it was a joke, because he kept smiling, even after I offered him new ones. I realized it wasn't a joke when he threw the fries on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 003

You deserved it 2 539

Working here sucks

By people suck - 28/03/2015 04:16 - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 403

You deserved it 2 526

By minissaussette - 08/04/2016 23:39 - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 590

You deserved it 1 671

By hugs511 - 25/07/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 687

You deserved it 3 166

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a show with my drama group. My mom isn't a good drunk, she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through. She was in the front row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 382

You deserved it 2 702

By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 23:40 - Canada

Today, I was kicked out of the mall along with a bunch of my friends, sworn at by the security guards, and personally escorted all the way to the sidewalk, only to find out we'd been mistaken for another group of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 868

You deserved it 2 585

On the case

By Pixel - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Castlegar

Today, I was supposed to go in for a polygraph test as part of the hiring process to be a cop, but I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Finally two hours before the exam, I fell into a deep sleep, so deep that I slept through all my alarms. Worst part: I couldn't lie about sleeping in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 756

You deserved it 5 660

By tara - 18/12/2015 17:49 - Switzerland - Zug

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 011

You deserved it 1 921

By halloweenless - 01/11/2010 13:14 - United States

Today, I spent over $160 and 2 hours preparing for a Halloween party I was throwing. The only person who showed up was my sister, who helped me decorate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 157

You deserved it 4 331

Blackmail

By Rakib - 31/08/2015 17:17 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 976

You deserved it 2 066

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 06:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 040

You deserved it 2 606

By shuahwan - 09/08/2015 05:46 - New Zealand

Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 064

You deserved it 6 234

By BrokeAsAJoke - 29/03/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 303

You deserved it 64 301

By Anonymous - 26/04/2014 11:36 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 407

You deserved it 3 974

By Noname - 11/01/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I got drunk and hooked up with some random chick. Later, I found out she's Facebook friends with my girlfriend. They used to be best friends when the girl was a senior. Small world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 440

You deserved it 61 513

By Michelle - 09/01/2010 16:11 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 710

You deserved it 3 450

By Invisible - 08/12/2010 21:55 - Canada

Today, I realized that the only time I've ever been noticed by my classmates is when I brought cake for the potluck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 645

You deserved it 3 303

Lost in translation

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 13:07

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 076

You deserved it 1 984

By sadpoorlady - 22/06/2013 09:22 - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 908

You deserved it 5 018

Not your fault

By Steve - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card, even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a homewrecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 357

You deserved it 2 403

By Jack Shart Jr. - 08/07/2015 15:16 - United States

Today, I'm so out of shape that I got winded from getting out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 076

You deserved it 18 047

By foxfur - 14/07/2016 12:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 726

You deserved it 3 964

By Drizztreri - 05/03/2014 00:09 - United States - Imperial

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 800

You deserved it 3 323

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The Top

Today, I sat to the right of a girl I really like. I passed her a note asking her to homecoming. She read it, then hurriedly passed it to a hideous girl sitting on her left, who said yes, then hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 203

You deserved it 12 462

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 784

You deserved it 82 752

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 117

You deserved it 5 278

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 501

You deserved it 4 593

Today, I was driving through a crossroad on the main road. A driver from the right got road rage, as I didn't let him go first. He drove past me and started brake-checking me. After that he followed me over whole city to scream and curse at me in front of my flat. I didn't break any the laws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 123

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 330

You deserved it 3 868