The Top

I'm a poor college student so spending several thousand dollars on camera is way out of my budget. Trust me. It wasn't my idea to use my SLR. And if I had had it my way I'd have told my family members to shove it and put their own camera in the line of fire.

By thanksfamily - 18/09/2012 11:22 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 346

You deserved it 2 433

Parting gift

By itchyyet - 03/01/2016 05:52 - Australia - Hawker

Today, a friend who visited me a week ago with "allergy rashes" told me that it's actually scabies, and she hopes I didn't catch it from her. It takes 2-6 weeks for the symptoms to show and I can't use the medication for it anyway because I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 800

You deserved it 1 524

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 610

You deserved it 37 923

By SeeMeInTheDark - 07/12/2009 08:54 - United States

Today, I was doing homework in my room when my roommate started meowing all of a sudden. Not only was he meowing, he started to make loud cat noises that resembled a cat being run over by a car. He's gonna be my roommate for the rest of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 112

You deserved it 3 366

By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 162

You deserved it 4 194

By bertiebeth - 02/08/2014 05:35 - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 810

You deserved it 4 035

By DontBeRude - 28/09/2015 04:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 477

You deserved it 3 877

By hannax - 16/08/2016 17:26 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 346

You deserved it 1 721

By uofpalum - 19/03/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 500

You deserved it 10 815

By Anonymous - 17/01/2013 00:53 - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 668

You deserved it 4 615

By thanks.... - 03/01/2014 21:04 - United States

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 207

You deserved it 13 443

By calling_while_driving - 28/03/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while driving, I got a call on my cell phone. Trying to be safe and avoid an accident, I pulled into the nearest parking lot before answering. While I was turning in to park, someone rear-ended me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 300

You deserved it 4 156

By abc123 - 16/12/2013 16:44 - United States - Marysville

Today, I was taking a shower with my boyfriend. While we were washing our hair, he got soap in his eyes and mouth. I was facing him, and since his eyes were closed he didn't realize how close I was. When he spat the soap out, it went straight into my eyes. Neither of us could see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 550

You deserved it 6 902

Classic

By horriblegf - 26/02/2011 12:18 - United States

Today, I realized it feels better when I sneeze than when my boyfriend and I have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 678

You deserved it 5 965

By thecodecat - 15/11/2013 12:13 - Canada - Musquash

Today, I decided to make what I thought was a pretzel recipe. I ended up eating cooked, egg-coated play dough. Literally, homemade Play-Doh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 794

You deserved it 10 908

thecodecat tells us more.

thecodecat 24

Saturday 16 November 2013 1:26

I didn't know it was play dough. The recipes got switched. I only ate on bite then I realized what was wrong and threw them out.

Improvised

By Geraldine - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz. He plays all the time in our small apartment. Loud. It's like listening to three guys build a shed for 10 giant angry wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 712

You deserved it 2 853

By ;_;" - 27/09/2013 21:33 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 912

You deserved it 10 613

Go mom!

By disgusted - 04/10/2012 23:24 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching TV with my mom, when a plumbing ad came on. A hot guy showed up on-screen and said, "I'm here to snake your drain." My mom immediately piped up with, "Oh, I'd let him snake my drain any day." Thanks for that imagery, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 761

You deserved it 3 320

By Anonymous - 22/12/2014 16:27 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 132

You deserved it 26 025

By mainlineloser - 28/11/2014 05:25 - United States - Narberth

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 486

You deserved it 3 357

By AmyLeigh - 26/08/2012 04:18 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 280

You deserved it 2 507

Underqualified

By pincushion - 31/12/2015 05:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 148

You deserved it 1 645

By catt - 17/10/2014 20:12 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 559

You deserved it 4 060

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 317

You deserved it 7 243

Today, I hosted a family dinner. I made a roast, potatoes, green beans, and homemade bread. Everything went smoothly until I realized halfway through I'd used powdered sugar instead of flour. No one noticed at first, then my aunt asked in horror, “Why's it taste like cake?” The rest of the meal was eyed suspiciously and I almost fainted from the stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 340

Today, my wife decided to paint our dreary blue living room all white to brighten the place up. It does look brighter, I just don’t know why she used brilliant white gloss. The walls are shiny as fuck and reflect the light in your eyes everywhere you sit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 344

You deserved it 75

Today, while playing cards, me and my boyfriend were getting super competitive and started wagering sexual stuff. His first and only choice: anal. Why only anal? All the time anal, there’s hundreds of other things to try, why do men always go straight to anal? It’s gets boring after a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298

You deserved it 212

Today, my little 7 and 6 year-old cousins came visit my family home. I heard the oldest one say that my sister was nice and pretty. Then the youngest replied, "Yeah, but the older one has the face of a murderer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 096

You deserved it 3 873

Today, I took a huge shit halfway through my gym workout, one of them half-wet, messy, stuck in your butt hairs. Three rolls and an anus with the feeling of carpet burn later, I proceeded to the bench feeling strong. At the twelfth rep, I sharted, right in my brand new gray pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 382

You deserved it 333