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Who the **** are you?

By silly_billy - 11/06/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 379

You deserved it 54 749

By MissPerspirent - 28/09/2011 02:18 - Canada

Today, I have come to the point in my life where I need to Google how to stop excessive back sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 578

You deserved it 3 588

Hottttt

By whatthefuck - 27/12/2015 23:22 - United States - Providence

Spicy

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 651

You deserved it 5 735

Thanks, I guess?

By hungry? - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 146

You deserved it 4 583

By Anonymous - 04/12/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 943

You deserved it 17 309

By Topher - 25/08/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 027

You deserved it 6 188

By Anonymous - 26/02/2014 03:50 - United States - La Grange

Today, I wanted to pretend to have a seizure so my baby sister could know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she decided to drink my soda instead of helping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 573

You deserved it 16 684

Jackson Galaxy wanabee

By oh.geez - 05/02/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 182

You deserved it 4 897

By NoseInPain - 20/08/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 489

You deserved it 3 983

By Sherressa - 02/12/2013 20:04 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 627

You deserved it 28 095

By fecurtis - 22/01/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I thought it'd be cool and trendy to buy a Blackberry Storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 431

You deserved it 37 408

By loner - 12/02/2011 00:08 - United States

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 660

You deserved it 4 205

Lower your expectations

By AchievementUnlocked? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 764

You deserved it 6 661

By Biggie - 02/02/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The wind snapped it wide open, then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as I stepped out, spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 291

You deserved it 4 378

By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 939

You deserved it 3 548

By CPD - 15/10/2011 04:12 - Canada

Today, I made a half-hour bike ride to the movie store, only to realize I'd forgotten my money. I made the ride back home, grabbed my money, went back to the store, paid, then made a second ride home. I got home exhausted, and opened the case. They gave me the wrong movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 307

You deserved it 6 153

By pride? what's that? :( - 01/09/2012 00:23 - Belgium - Leuven

Spicy

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 814

You deserved it 40 536

By fishruinsex - 08/12/2010 08:46

Spicy

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 384

You deserved it 6 009

By Freechbear - 17/09/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 173

You deserved it 2 804

By WTF is all I ask - 27/07/2012 23:55 - United States - Mcallen

Today, I was at the mall, when I saw an elderly lady drop her groceries, so I rushed over to help her pick them up. She took one look at me, called me a "Liberal bastard," and shouted for me to get away from her before she called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 416

You deserved it 2 499

By wetandnaked - 09/07/2012 07:06 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, after a particularly difficult late night workout at the gym, I decided to shower in the locker room. I must have passed out, because I later woke up naked, surrounded by police after someone called to report a dead body in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 633

You deserved it 3 275

wetandnaked tells us more.

wetandnaked 4

Thursday 12 July 2012 8:27

OP here: Doctor says it's most likely due to the low blood pressure I didn't know I had prior to that visit. He suggested I include more salt in my diet, and that's about it. Also, I woke up with a towel draped over me, I'm definitely female, and no, the soap didn't smell like chloroform hahaha.

By Anonymous - 18/06/2013 23:22 - United States - Glastonbury

Today, my daughter believed that watching the Big Bang Theory would count as studying for her chemistry final. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 838

You deserved it 7 152

By leela - 25/05/2013 22:13 - United States

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 648

You deserved it 4 852

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 15:56 - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 221

You deserved it 3 379

By granny_panties - 18/04/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 495

You deserved it 12 909

The best part of breaking up…

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 23:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She kicked me out of the apartment and told me to never come back. Devastated, I waited outside of the apartment door for hours, hoping she'd reconsider. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to her foot stomping on me, screaming, "I meant it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 092

You deserved it 8 863

By AlonsoKold - 07/04/2014 23:39 - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 268

You deserved it 5 871

By must be adopted - 11/02/2013 01:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 696

You deserved it 4 547

By juvenile friends suck - 10/01/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Spicy

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 163

You deserved it 6 820

By killme - 29/12/2012 22:33 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 802

You deserved it 4 100

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The Top

The Top

Today, I went to a party and saw my current boyfriend making out with my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 268

You deserved it 141

Today, I wanted to join the bus drivers strike. I couldn't… the buses were on strike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 636

You deserved it 5 482

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been experiencing hair loss. He insisted on a pregnancy test. My parents then grounded me. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 113

Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 644

You deserved it 4 192

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 463

You deserved it 32 271

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 495

You deserved it 5 454