Top

Top agreed Top commented Top favorited

Top of the day Top of the week Top of the month Top of the year Top all time

Fruit and veg

By dan - 25/06/2013 04:22 - United States - Phoenix

Spicy

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

agreeclassic 56 382

vote type 1 15 398

By traumatised - 11/10/2009 16:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my new roommate decided to put his pet hamster in the same cage as my beloved hamster. Apparently he wanted them to make hamster babies. They are both males. His hamster attacked mine and tore it to pieces. I just finished cleaning up the mess. FML

agreeclassic 46 500

vote type 1 2 796

By BaliTheDog - 24/03/2013 23:01 - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

agreeclassic 12 024

vote type 1 97 634

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 01:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

agreeclassic 43 373

vote type 1 3 850

Hack

By Anonymous - 13/04/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

agreeclassic 29 954

vote type 1 6 051

By FGum - 30/07/2009 05:56 - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

agreeclassic 9 469

vote type 1 87 877

By Orgasmataz - 25/01/2015 22:10 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Spicy

Today, I found out that, due to the walls at my uni dorm being ridiculously thin, my entire flat overheard me lose my virginity. Spanking and all. FML

agreeclassic 34 471

vote type 1 10 569

Orgasmataz app_comment_confession_title

Orgasmataz 0

Monday 26 January 2015 20:13

OP here! We did have some music playing actually...I don't think my flatmates will be listening to Jake Bugg for a while haha

By toothfairy - 26/06/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

agreeclassic 46 726

vote type 1 2 983

RIP little guy

By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 19:58 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said, "Avada kedavra!" She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

agreeclassic 38 766

vote type 1 3 132

By nick - 24/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

agreeclassic 30 428

vote type 1 3 007

TMI

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 08:18 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

agreeclassic 67 866

vote type 1 3 847

By JordanAfml - 03/09/2015 21:14 - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I found my cat who's been missing for three days, sitting inside my neighbor's window. He won't answer the door. FML

agreeclassic 26 747

vote type 1 1 844

JordanAfml app_comment_confession_title

JordanAfml 3

Friday 4 September 2015 16:07

OP here. My cat is an indoor cat, we rescued her when she was 2 months old and she never left the house in the last 3 years. My dog popped a corner of the screen out of one of my windows and that's how my cat got outside. We went to all of our nearby neighbors asking them to keep an eye out for her, and the particular person who has my cat hates my husband. We thought it was strange he was being so nice and friendly towards us the first day, and now we know why.

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my boss's kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

agreeclassic 15 421

vote type 1 42 075

Bullseye

By cannabis_this420 - 17/03/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. I was a smartass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML

agreeclassic 27 033

vote type 1 101 167

By jai90 - 03/02/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Spicy

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

agreeclassic 50 262

vote type 1 3 831

By un_christmas - 25/12/2012 06:41 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, my boyfriend and I were having Christmas dinner while his mom was away. I was lying alone on his bed while he did the dishes, when the bedroom door dramatically swung open and his mom glared at me from the doorway. I had to leave when she screamed "FORNICATION IS A SIN!" FML

agreeclassic 38 249

vote type 1 4 263

Panic

By Distracted - 13/08/2009 12:18 - United States

Today, it was my first day at a new school. I pulled into the parking lot and saw this really cute guy. I was checking him out in my rear view mirror. When I looked ahead, there was something in the road, so I swirved real hard and took down an entire wooden fence. That something was a plastic bag. FML

agreeclassic 10 766

vote type 1 53 354

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

agreeclassic 46 713

vote type 1 7 119

By Fonz - 26/01/2010 14:39 - United States

Today, I was driving home from college when I saw a couple of sporty chicks jogging on the side of the road. I honked at them and yelled suggestively as I do at college, which usually gets a fun flirty reaction from college girls. It was my next-door neighbor and her 11 year old daughter. FML

agreeclassic 6 523

vote type 1 56 720

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 18:43 - United States

Today, the guardian angel charm my grandma gave to me for "safe driving" fell off my sun visor while I was driving. This scared me enough to cause me to swerve into another moving car. So much for safe driving. FML

agreeclassic 21 716

vote type 1 7 124

By unhappyelf - 14/11/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting up lights, playing Christmas music, and wearing bells on our uniforms. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I can't even have a tinkle without full-blown jingling. FML

agreeclassic 24 948

vote type 1 2 737

By imafunguy - 05/10/2012 00:28 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out. She replied, "Sorry, I'm suddenly a lesbian." FML

agreeclassic 32 950

vote type 1 3 094

Weird

By not the scalpel - 15/09/2012 07:36 - United States - Paso Robles

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

agreeclassic 30 668

vote type 1 3 094

By GirlfriendsAreBadForYourBack - 06/08/2013 16:01 - United States - Lynbrook

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

agreeclassic 50 851

vote type 1 9 948

By caca maker - 13/01/2013 09:22 - Canada

Today, while arguing with my pregnant wife, she said, “You can’t understand. I’m creating life. What are you creating, besides poop?” FML

agreeclassic 641

vote type 1 270

By summerbabe77 - 22/07/2012 03:58 - United States - Medford

Today, my dog somehow managed to swallow a ring that my mother had bought me. Now I must carefully poke and search through each pile of dog crap I find in my yard for the next week. FML

agreeclassic 22 978

vote type 1 2 970

By haileelouxxx - 22/08/2014 12:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

agreeclassic 45 641

vote type 1 5 432

By meeks123 - 20/06/2012 05:03 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I was arrested for drinking in public. It was my friend who was drinking; I was taking the alcohol from her so she wouldn't be arrested. FML

agreeclassic 31 026

vote type 1 5 338

By Vac - 05/04/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

agreeclassic 59 616

vote type 1 8 733

By rissa5214 - 26/07/2015 18:20 - United States - Stoughton

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

agreeclassic 26 563

vote type 1 5 948

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Top

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

agreeclassic 36 894

vote type 1 4 537

Today, I had a phone interview, my first job interview in months. Two seconds in, I not only lost my signal, my phone froze up and stopped working completely. For six hours. FML

agreeclassic 1 001

vote type 1 106

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

agreeclassic 62 655

vote type 1 4 853

Today, after making out with this guy, our tongue piercings got stuck together. After about five minutes of trying to unlock them, I accidentally vomited a little in his mouth. FML

agreeclassic 40 623

vote type 1 37 824

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

agreeclassic 27 094

vote type 1 1 651

Today, after finishing work, my friend was having a party next door and my driveway was blocked. I parked 6 houses down and went to the party for 20mins. After coming out after 3 beers, I went to move my car back to my house and go to sleep. I got a DUI for driving 30 feet. FML

agreeclassic 18 295

vote type 1 57 233