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By zetuga - 01/04/2015 07:40 - United Kingdom - Luton

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML

agreeclassic 28 517

vote type 1 5 361

By Anonymous - 05/03/2015 02:05

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

agreeclassic 32 354

vote type 1 3 036

By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

agreeclassic 30 658

vote type 1 3 309

By M_Kclift1994 - 20/01/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

agreeclassic 26 724

vote type 1 8 492

Noise annoys

By Steph - 21/06/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Spicy

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

agreeclassic 58 484

vote type 1 3 289

By thebrokentardis - 22/09/2014 06:45 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML

agreeclassic 42 676

vote type 1 5 305

First and last time

By pixie09 - 08/11/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, I got sentenced to 20 hours community service for having a boy in my room an hour after floor hours. If I don't do the community service, I could get kicked out of the dorm and put on probation at my college. We were breaking up. FML

agreeclassic 31 467

vote type 1 11 653

By lindsey789 - 07/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

agreeclassic 38 818

vote type 1 3 040

No, just no

By misterhippo - 22/04/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

agreeclassic 65 003

vote type 1 12 300

By ifmlftw - 22/06/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

agreeclassic 39 124

vote type 1 3 062

Muddy

By >.> - 12/12/2013 05:31 - Canada - Chestermere

Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. FML

agreeclassic 62 000

vote type 1 3 881

By Perdedor - 07/01/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

agreeclassic 17 916

vote type 1 45 026

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Spicy

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 45 598

vote type 1 12 455

Snek

By afraidtosleep - 13/10/2012 06:35 - United States - Houston

Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML

agreeclassic 28 992

vote type 1 6 336

By Lavalise - 05/11/2011 07:11 - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

agreeclassic 34 785

vote type 1 11 884

By Anonymous - 09/12/2014 18:29

Spicy

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

agreeclassic 36 835

vote type 1 6 115

By anonymous - 16/08/2013 14:05 - United States - Grandville

Today, at the yacht club I work at a girl ordered a Portabella wrap. She asked for no cheese or veggies, just the Portabellas. After she got the sandwich and ate half of it, she sent it back saying she didn't know it had mushrooms in it. FML

agreeclassic 48 687

vote type 1 3 332

By Anonymous - 02/07/2013 23:16 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

agreeclassic 48 346

vote type 1 12 887

By ChampionshipVinyl - 18/04/2012 06:57 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

agreeclassic 29 522

vote type 1 2 907

By Noname - 14/03/2009 05:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

agreeclassic 146 938

vote type 1 11 791

Own goal

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 18:58 - United States

Today, I had a soccer game. A player from the other team hit me in the face. In the next half, she was the goalie and I was determined to score on her. When I finally got my chance to, everyone cheered, until I kicked the ball into the goal post and it bounced back and hit me in the face. FML

agreeclassic 43 885

vote type 1 8 909

By Username - 28/02/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML

agreeclassic 28 599

vote type 1 3 051

By KittKatt - 20/05/2015 05:34 - United States - Lehighton

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

agreeclassic 29 013

vote type 1 4 573

By DisturbedMan - 15/01/2014 22:29 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Spicy

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

agreeclassic 66 196

vote type 1 5 963

By tpj24 - 08/01/2014 00:00 - United States - Ankeny

Today, I had to explain to one of my high school students that the importance of Pearl Harbor was not, in fact, because the Japanese stole the US pearl supply. FML

agreeclassic 46 425

vote type 1 3 971

tpj24 app_comment_confession_title

tpj24 2

Saturday 11 January 2014 3:35

Rest assured that I set the student straight.

By EnemyofKarma - 04/03/2010 08:52 - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

agreeclassic 7 279

vote type 1 37 459

By lauren_crewd - 23/11/2013 23:56 - United States - Sylacauga

Today, my parents grounded me for being "addicted" to drugs because I've been taking pain meds every four hours. I had my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday, and my face is badly swollen. FML

agreeclassic 48 960

vote type 1 2 955

lauren_crewd app_comment_confession_title

lauren_crewd 9

Sunday 24 November 2013 19:57

This is the OP here, my parents are incredibly worried about me taking the medicine because two of my three brothers are recovering drug addicts. I was visiting a friend who called my brother to come pick me up because I kept falling asleep mid-conversation as a side-effect to the medication. My parents assumed I was abusing them because of their past experiences with my brothers. They're incredibly understanding about the pain, but they're just scared.

By upsetandannoyed - 01/01/2012 05:41 - United States

Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent four hours cleaning my apartment. Two minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML

agreeclassic 34 014

vote type 1 3 697

By bleu_noir - 14/02/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. That sucker was me. FML

agreeclassic 49 630

vote type 1 4 479

By Dante178 - 08/12/2011 20:41 - United States

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

agreeclassic 46 771

vote type 1 3 796

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Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

agreeclassic 27 519

vote type 1 3 429

Today, I felt an intense pain in my abdomen, so my mom drove me to the hospital. When we were in the waiting room, she rudely said, "It's probably an STD since you're such a slut." And then she left me there. It was a kidney infection. FML

agreeclassic 2 158

vote type 1 178

Today, even after months of vigorous exercise and diet in an attempt to gain muscle, I have not gained any muscle. Instead, my body is putting fat into the one part of my body I can’t work out: my face. FML

agreeclassic 896

vote type 1 114

Today, at 32 weeks pregnant, I found my boyfriend passed out face down in his own vomit. Not only does our freshly-painted game room now smell like a dirty bar, but he also let our 2 strictly indoor cats outside. They have yet to return. FML

agreeclassic 3 840

vote type 1 541

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

agreeclassic 58 390

vote type 1 5 286

Today, I went out to a restaurant to meet a girl that I met online. When I arrived, I texted her and she said she was wearing a blue shirt. The only person that was wearing anything blue was a fat man smiling in the corner. FML

agreeclassic 42 296

vote type 1 10 775