The Top

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By Karmaisabitch - 18/05/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 269

You deserved it 53 359

Feel the burn

By Slowsky - 09/05/2012 10:19 - United States - Claremont

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 593

You deserved it 5 585

By Anonymous - 31/03/2013 05:10 - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 212

You deserved it 3 244

Welcome to Capitalism

By school issues - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out I'm failing school. Why am I failing? Because I work 60 hours a week. Why do I work 60 hours a week? To pay for school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 352

You deserved it 5 302

You ANIMAL

By ElevatorThug - 25/08/2009 09:17 - Singapore

Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 238

You deserved it 34 327

By Wtfbro - 24/12/2013 20:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years got me a ring for Christmas. When I opened it, I was speechless and overjoyed. He then said, "It's just a ring. It doesn't mean anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 064

You deserved it 5 817

Losing

By unemployed and bereaved - 25/11/2013 05:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss claimed that I've been lying to get days off because apparently nobody can be so unlucky as to have three family members die within a month. I'm just that unlucky, and suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 711

You deserved it 2 833

By taiannalynn5 - 02/03/2011 23:43

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 044

You deserved it 7 786

By JStein - 29/11/2012 04:33 - United States - Hampshire

Today my boyfriend and my best friend had a very lengthy, detailed conversation about Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, of which I know nothing about. Once they stopped, I looked at him and smiled, and he responded with, "Why can't you be more like her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 426

You deserved it 8 967

By Z - 26/11/2012 10:26 - Australia

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 806

You deserved it 25 021

By ashleyyyy - 28/10/2011 15:59 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 829

You deserved it 2 805

Oh, thanks…

By Whoops - 24/06/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 149

You deserved it 72 947

I'm Anna

By NoMoreTrumpetBlowing - 14/08/2013 16:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend's family, and he was saying how well his driving lessons are going. During this conversation his mum told him to "stop blowing your own trumpet." He replied, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need Anna." His dad gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 321

You deserved it 9 050

Revealing

By doody - 30/12/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, I was in a busy airport bathroom with my three year-old son. While in the process of pulling my pants down, my son decided to open the stall door. I jumped up to yank the door closed, but not before the line of waiting women saw me with my pants wrapped around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 274

You deserved it 4 285

By gudmarjoh - 08/12/2010 23:09 - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 179

You deserved it 10 231

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 219

You deserved it 3 675

By Porter_Robinson - 30/04/2013 08:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I sent a girl a friendly conversation starter on Facebook. She replied, "I know what you guys are like. Oh, and that invitation to a date in about 5 messages time? Not a chance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 452

You deserved it 9 215

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up… except my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 387

You deserved it 3 230

By Anonymous - 27/08/2010 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 943

You deserved it 12 711

By sucks4me - 18/06/2011 04:45 - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 305

You deserved it 16 153

By Anonyme - 24/04/2014 06:57 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 501

You deserved it 73

Breakdown

By Gullible - 25/02/2013 06:10 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he was thinking about us taking a break. After an hour of crying and him saying it would be okay, I accepted it. When I asked when the break would start, he replied, "What are you talking about? I only said I'd thought about it" and then laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 532

You deserved it 7 422

Smells like victory

By B-rent - 18/03/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 7 089

By lex31 - 14/02/2012 13:24 - United States

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 099

You deserved it 3 767

By jasmith - 18/11/2012 07:45 - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 069

You deserved it 3 563

By nahalDZ - 20/10/2012 17:29 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 509

You deserved it 5 340

By DeadDude - 27/12/2010 11:29

Today, I took my kids to the doctor. In the waiting room, a six year old boy walked up to me, punched me in the crotch, and ran away with my glasses. When the kid's parents made him give me my glasses back, he spat on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 115

You deserved it 3 212

By fuckered519 - 06/12/2014 19:53 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 262

You deserved it 12 621

Freakout

By Anonymous - 06/08/2013 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand when I shouted, "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 306

You deserved it 9 826

By nolife - 30/08/2012 01:33 - United States - Richmond

Today, I purposely misspelled words while texting my boyfriend so he would think I was out partying and having a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 214

You deserved it 30 090

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The Top

Today, I was trying to flirt with someone in a small bar. I thought they'd smiled at me, so I smiled back. Turns out, they were smiling at their phone screen. I just awkwardly sat there, smiling into the void. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 296

Today, I tried to look cool while playing beer pong. Instead, I slipped violently on a puddle of spilled beer, threw my drink over the person next to me and on the ground, and then fell face-first into the mess I made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 980

You deserved it 1 260

Today, I went to spend my last $50 on gas, since I get paid in 5 days. I paid for the gas and stepped into the restroom briefly. I came out, only to discover that the attendant had put the gas on the wrong pump, and someone had used it for themselves. My tank is empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 431

You deserved it 6 618

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 516

You deserved it 2 909

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 360

You deserved it 4 228

Today, I "hacked" my girlfriend's phone and found out she's been cheating on me for the last 6 months. She's pissed at me because I hacked her phone and invaded her privacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 443