The Top

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Charming

By FootyFoot - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 849

You deserved it 3 276

By mattttbob - 04/02/2012 10:16 - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 532

You deserved it 36 062

By "people these days" - 19/07/2013 20:36 - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 979

You deserved it 15 904

By trice - 08/05/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 386

You deserved it 4 305

By Anonymous - 25/04/2014 21:21 - United States - Marlboro

Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 215

You deserved it 11 275

DIY

By liver - 19/03/2012 00:51 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, since I'm too broke to get a new one, I had to duct tape my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 897

You deserved it 3 603

Red faces all round

By ladyhavery - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 888

You deserved it 50 256

By Embarrassed - 04/02/2011 00:28

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 452

You deserved it 6 730

By robincakes94 - 29/11/2011 12:42 - United States

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 752

You deserved it 6 648

By MadWorld - 28/08/2016 17:49

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 664

You deserved it 1 302

By Anonymous - 02/03/2010 21:16 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 286

You deserved it 2 683

By marie519 - 09/01/2012 00:59 - United States

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 411

You deserved it 3 271

By Nicoli - 10/11/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 937

You deserved it 4 001

By Anonymous - 24/05/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 220

You deserved it 8 012

By anonymous - 21/04/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 359

You deserved it 101 187

By inseriouspain - 22/08/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, I popped a zit and I went to put my acne medicine on it. It's in a clear bottle with a blue cap, just like the nearby nailpolish remover. I grabbed the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 484

You deserved it 14 587

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 351

You deserved it 36 322

Chris Hansen time

By lloydLO - 24/10/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years-old. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 165

You deserved it 13 642

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 845

You deserved it 7 163

By Brandee - 05/03/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 448

You deserved it 3 216

Ouch

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 23:07 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 957

You deserved it 6 301

By Dude - 21/01/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 644

You deserved it 2 948

By mcase - 31/07/2012 05:36 - United States - Compton

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 239

You deserved it 4 988

By unbirthday - 18/07/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 104

You deserved it 2 963

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 21:46 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 192

You deserved it 5 668

By Anonymous - 23/08/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 917

You deserved it 39 619

By noexceptions - 11/11/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, at school, I got stuck in the elevator and was about to panic before I remembered I had my phone. I called my mother and she called the school to tell them that I was stuck. They got me out in a few minutes and then confiscated my phone and gave me two detentions for using it in school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 590

You deserved it 3 452

How could you do this to me?

By Emma - 26/08/2012 20:00 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I learned I'm not allergic to gluten. My mom has kept me on a gluten-free diet since I was 5. She was convinced I was allergic to it. I'm 25 and I am writing this over my first slice of pizza in 20 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 786

You deserved it 2 247

It's just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - 13/05/2012 12:15 - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled, "Geronimo!" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 205

You deserved it 3 231

RIP

By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 891

You deserved it 4 175

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The Top

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 867

You deserved it 2 120

Today, I was at a restaurant with some friends, trying to be cultured by ordering in French. I confidently said to the waiter, “Je voudrais le poulet, s'il vous plaît.” The waiter stared at me and said, “Sir, this is a Chinese restaurant.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 844

Today, before a blind date with a girl set up by my flatmate, I put some aftershave on. Then I realised I had forgotten my contact lenses. When I put them in it caused so much pain that in my attempt to reach the bathroom I walked into a wall. When I got there, she saw my swollen face and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 292

You deserved it 8 370

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 125

You deserved it 447

Today, I found out my long distance girlfriend gave me chlamydia, after I spent $1k to fly her out for a week. I paid for an STD delivery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 148

Today, I was eating lunch outside with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 570

You deserved it 3 027