Your everyday life stories

#MurrayShow - 27/02/2018 01:30

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

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Snared

drummerboy - - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

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josh - 23/01/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

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MAC - 13/01/2009 09:47 - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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Single4Life - 05/07/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, my friend told me that she gave my number to a guy I've liked for a while. I asked why and she just said "He's just going to have to tell you himself." I got hopeful and really nervous. A few hours later he calls. Turns out, he's called to try and get a date with my gay friend. FML

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Stupid - 22/12/2014 07:45 - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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musiclover - 06/12/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML

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TomorrowMaybe - 08/10/2016 16:29 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

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SoClose - 03/04/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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Anonymous - 13/09/2017 20:00

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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smellslikeahangover - 29/07/2015 02:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waiting for an interview at the career that I've been spending months tailoring my résumé for, I was thrown up on by my only competitor. Guess who got the job. FML

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That'll explain it

Unemployed - 03/10/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I checked my email for the hundredth time, hoping to hear back from a potential employer about a job I really want. No response. Why? My email with resume attached has been sitting in my Outbox for the past week. I never actually sent it out in the first place. FML

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Can't filter that

Weightlosshereicome - - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

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fuckit - 23/07/2016 06:52 - United States - American Fork

Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went over and helped her up. Instead of thanking me, she called me a pervert and slapped me around with her cane. FML

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Grab that bag

BirdBrain - 14/12/2017 19:00

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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Creeped out

Anonymous - - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

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Anonymous - 01/01/2014 07:49 - Australia - Southport

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML

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TotallyDeservedIt - 19/05/2016 17:19 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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WeighYourWords - 03/05/2016 11:12 - Belgium - Overheid

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

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Theater kid issues

Belle - - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

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Lost in the sauce

notabadserver - - Canada - Toronto

Today, the head chef at work yelled at me for not knowing the difference between two sauces. I couldn't win the argument, even after a coworker admitted to filling both bottles with the same sauce. FML

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Mismanaged

Anonymous - 24/01/2015 17:24

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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Anonymous - 30/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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Anonymous - 14/12/2014 07:19 - United States - Reno

Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML

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scottishoatmeal - 01/02/2016 23:11 - United Kingdom - Auchterarder

Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML

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mothapuka - 26/12/2009 09:10 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went to the mall with my mum. She had a few too many drinks the night before. As soon as we got into the mall, she puked. She walked around the mall with me, blowing chunks into a plastic bag. FML

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whoops - 01/08/2014 20:45 - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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E - 20/10/2016 19:07

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

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Anonymous - 08/10/2016 13:20 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

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wowjuststop - 03/10/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

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Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

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Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

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Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

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Today, I came back from the hospital after back surgery which required putting screws in my spine. My children spent all day trying to stick magnets on my back. FML

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Today, I called tech support because my new computer wasn’t turning on. After a long while on the phone, they finally asked if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. I spent way too long troubleshooting with a dead device because I never plugged it into the outlet. FML

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