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By H8TR - 26/08/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

agreeclassic 16 651

vote type 1 54 226

Hefty

By Fatty - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

agreeclassic 43 781

vote type 1 16 301

By candice - 01/11/2011 09:09 - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

agreeclassic 14 532

vote type 1 46 617

By Anonymous - 22/06/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a person named Chris. The entire time I couldn't figure out if Chris was a man or woman. The interview went as good as it could have went. At the end I said, "Thank you very much sir." Wrong gender. FML

agreeclassic 45 433

vote type 1 18 985

By untitledentity - 24/05/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

agreeclassic 56 697

vote type 1 19 939

By Anonymous - 28/08/2011 11:29 - Australia

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

agreeclassic 16 420

vote type 1 43 050

Dude, gross!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely, amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles, and out of my window. FML

agreeclassic 27 617

vote type 1 3 882

By brokedick - 12/12/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

agreeclassic 42 411

vote type 1 4 095

By James - 12/08/2011 07:54 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

agreeclassic 42 678

vote type 1 3 133

Nice!

By growlr - 20/07/2011 09:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

agreeclassic 43 870

vote type 1 5 831

By ouch - 29/02/2012 19:18 - Italy

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

agreeclassic 41 151

vote type 1 2 869

By KMO - 26/02/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

agreeclassic 13 113

vote type 1 28 557

By teachingsucks - 14/03/2010 18:29 - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

agreeclassic 11 779

vote type 1 25 086

By anonymous - 08/01/2013 00:21 - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

agreeclassic 20 515

vote type 1 52 521

Discontent

By cmore - 11/03/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him, because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

agreeclassic 37 205

vote type 1 5 667

By Anonymous - 08/02/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML

agreeclassic 33 772

vote type 1 8 998

Skin deep

By EffinAhole - 03/10/2010 04:27 - France

Today, to spice things up a bit, my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner, so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

agreeclassic 13 116

vote type 1 36 981

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 16:45 - United States

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

agreeclassic 16 009

vote type 1 32 378

Great input, dad

By shamed - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

agreeclassic 36 804

vote type 1 3 406

Got talent?

By sorrygrandma - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

agreeclassic 48 975

vote type 1 4 286

By poopcoloredeyes - 31/10/2011 20:06 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

agreeclassic 38 223

vote type 1 3 696

The scientific method

By really - 21/06/2012 05:30 - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

agreeclassic 33 882

vote type 1 4 843

By DarkMaskDiva - 16/06/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

agreeclassic 39 156

vote type 1 6 152

By MDWilde - 30/03/2012 18:28 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

agreeclassic 37 411

vote type 1 3 106

Messenger blues

By jake - 27/06/2009 21:11 - Denmark

Today, it's been a few days since I decided to give this girl I like the silent treatment. I've been messaging off and on with her for a few weeks, but decided to stop for a bit, just to seem mysterious. When I logged on Facebook today, her status was, "So happy that annoying guy has stopped writing to me!" FML

agreeclassic 20 341

vote type 1 63 433

By unlolable4321 - 28/04/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter "LOL, Jen" thinking LOL stood for "lots of love." FML

agreeclassic 67 357

vote type 1 5 663

By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 14:22 - United States

Today, I went to get a nice, relaxing hot stone massage. Instead I got second degree burns on my legs. FML

agreeclassic 29 726

vote type 1 4 028

By Stranded - 17/07/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

agreeclassic 63 929

vote type 1 6 764

By brokeaf - 11/07/2011 19:09 - United States

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

agreeclassic 11 909

vote type 1 52 578

By Amanda - 10/03/2013 16:08 - Canada

Today, when I got home, my child had three bruises. My babysitter's excuse? "She hit me first". FML

agreeclassic 55 194

vote type 1 6 679

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Today, my toddler started running around the house yelling, "Daddy said a bad word!" over and over again. I don't even know what I allegedly said, but now my wife is giving me the "we need to talk" look. FML

agreeclassic 447

vote type 1 99

Today, I found out that my husband’s friend has been secretly obsessed with me for months, and was even writing poems about me and reciting them to people. I’m scared to find out anything else. It's so creepy. FML

agreeclassic 1 026

vote type 1 96

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

agreeclassic 49 258

vote type 1 4 958

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

agreeclassic 10 330

vote type 1 1 452

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt… into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

agreeclassic 13 007

vote type 1 78 252

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

agreeclassic 50 114

vote type 1 6 648