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Mixed messages

By mook - 15/07/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesn't know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 279

You deserved it 5 696

By Anonymous - 26/03/2011 22:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 970

You deserved it 11 760

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 613

You deserved it 5 143

By Anonymous - 28/02/2010 11:16 - Canada

Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him… but I can hear him in the walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 159

You deserved it 2 614

FML: Uncensored

By Anonymous - 15/01/2012 02:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 775

You deserved it 4 432

By sadcapri96 - 23/06/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 584

You deserved it 47 289

By malos - 12/08/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 390

You deserved it 47 581

Forgetful

By kiddoc - 26/10/2011 02:28 - United States

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 017

You deserved it 2 887

By mydadsawsooomuch - 17/11/2010 13:26 - United States

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 176

You deserved it 9 834

By Rob - 06/06/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

Spicy

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 754

You deserved it 42 678

By AJShow80 - 13/04/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money, saying it was collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then used his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and won 500 dollars. The jackass wouldn't split it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 296

You deserved it 18 245

By oface13 - 16/04/2012 08:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 358

You deserved it 5 974

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 18:55 - United States - Escondido

Today, I have the flu. I had to wash the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash, and take care of the laundry, all while my wife sat around watching TV, because she was "too tired". I work 8 hours a day. She's a college student. She doesn't see what's so unfair about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 416

You deserved it 8 242

By Anonymous - 08/04/2016 21:43 - United States - Sterling

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 523

You deserved it 3 326

By jillie minaj - 09/07/2012 21:06 - United States

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 102

You deserved it 61 309

By td1078 - 24/05/2012 15:50 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was choosing my soft drink at a restaurant. The kid in front of me was too short to reach the lids so I handed him one. His mom rushed over, pried it out of his hands, threw it away, and yelled, "She's filthy, don't use that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 888

You deserved it 3 151

td1078 tells us more.

td1078 2

Thursday 24 May 2012 20:44

I wrote this FML story and for the record I was in a suit and heals, with my hair and makeup done, as i was on my home from the office. The woman was just a B. More than anything it was funny because she was so hysterical over a seemingly innocent gesture.

By tomchuq - 30/08/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 671

You deserved it 61 263

By porkfriedlife - 28/07/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I went to a theater and saw "Bruno" with my mom. We saw "Borat" together, so I thought, 'Hey, how bad could it be?' I don't know what was more nauseating: Bruno's penis spinning around and talking or the fact that my mom thought it was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 877

You deserved it 25 751

By virginat16 - 14/12/2010 11:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 239

You deserved it 7 808

By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 08:03 - United States

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 479

You deserved it 8 868

By guy - 30/07/2012 03:24 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 181

You deserved it 5 816

It is though

By Timv86 - 16/02/2010 08:18 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yelled at the top of her voice, "Stop following me, you freak." I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 027

You deserved it 3 101

Leave me alone

By re2K5 - 25/07/2009 16:39 - Korea Republic of

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him that I had none, he yelled angrily, "Who comes to this city without money?" I replied, "Apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 208

You deserved it 28 656

By Anonymous - 01/01/2014 05:38 - United States - Albany

Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 776

You deserved it 6 454

By ironic driver - 04/09/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 594

You deserved it 4 625

By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 398

You deserved it 6 687

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 17:57 - Germany

Today, I failed to get my driver's licence. My father was the instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 115

You deserved it 28 196

By Anonymous - 29/03/2013 01:13 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 220

You deserved it 18 857

By Anonymous - 02/06/2009 11:05 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 631

You deserved it 5 389

By Anonymous - 20/06/2012 16:41 - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 778

You deserved it 3 799

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Today, I smoked weed with my girlfriend and we ordered some Chinese food. I was too high to open the box and she watched me struggle for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 670

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 349

You deserved it 3 093

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad came in to ask if I wanted the rest of his cake. I'd made it for my cousin's wedding, and spent 2 days preparing it. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 210

You deserved it 165

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 951

You deserved it 127

Today, the water stopped working in our apartment. We are supposed to be moving into a new place tomorrow, so we asked the landlord if we could move in a day early. Upon arrival, we found that the water tank needed to be installed, so there's no water here either. We are now admitting defeat and checking into a hotel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 94

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 553

You deserved it 25 463