Spicy

There's a time and a place

By JSF1234 - 11/05/2009 17:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

agreeclassic 65 269

vote type 1 3 543

By BlueBallMcGee - 11/05/2009 12:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

agreeclassic 64 798

vote type 1 7 048

By Hallllo - 11/05/2009 05:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

agreeclassic 100 342

vote type 1 9 108

By insideout - 10/05/2009 20:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

agreeclassic 30 435

vote type 1 128 073

You wanker

By Jeremy - 10/05/2009 01:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

agreeclassic 27 318

vote type 1 87 357

Choking hazard

By notsexy - 09/05/2009 15:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

agreeclassic 34 107

vote type 1 83 437

By stpdaziandude - 08/05/2009 20:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

agreeclassic 75 926

vote type 1 45 033

Perv

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 14:53 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while working as a makeup artist in the mall, I was approached by a man who wanted to try lipstick, which isn't unusual we do a lot of drag. While I was applying it, he started to make gross noises and, after a quick glance, I realized he had a massive erection. He then whispered, "Mmmm don't stop now." FML

agreeclassic 82 789

vote type 1 4 551

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 11:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

agreeclassic 57 836

vote type 1 13 794

Better off

By gimp. - 08/05/2009 08:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML

agreeclassic 67 406

vote type 1 5 278

By ummPORQUE - 07/05/2009 16:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that the guy I've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me "Baby." FML

agreeclassic 35 035

vote type 1 70 697

By eeh - 07/05/2009 14:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

agreeclassic 30 656

vote type 1 103 537

Zinger!

By Familyskank - 06/05/2009 16:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

agreeclassic 108 675

vote type 1 24 953

Up your game

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 15:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

agreeclassic 54 589

vote type 1 12 091

By JoeyDizz - 06/05/2009 03:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

agreeclassic 18 325

vote type 1 66 727

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 21:42 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

agreeclassic 48 859

vote type 1 32 950

By penisface69 - 05/05/2009 04:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML

agreeclassic 68 356

vote type 1 9 917

penisface69 app_comment_confession_title

penisface69 17

Wednesday 6 May 2009 2:57

he said it would be awkward if we went out cause hes a freshman and im a junior. and it wasnt spontaneous. i told him i was bored and he told me to go ********** and i told him im sick of masturbating and he was like what? how is taht even possible? and i was like well ive been doing it for half a decade. it gets old. i need a boyfriend.

Nosey

By Jess - 04/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

agreeclassic 66 419

vote type 1 3 577

Emergency

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

agreeclassic 307 541

vote type 1 20 918

By Aether - 03/05/2009 21:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

agreeclassic 137 011

vote type 1 7 611

Caught in 404pp

By danggit3290 - 03/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "You know, I'm looking RIGHT at you." FML

agreeclassic 27 043

vote type 1 89 559

By Lootz - 03/05/2009 17:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

agreeclassic 76 410

vote type 1 20 175

Get on with it, dude

By alpine75 - 03/05/2009 16:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door. A clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was OK. I have to go back next week. FML

agreeclassic 62 027

vote type 1 8 543

Checklist

By Anonymous - 02/05/2009 00:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML

agreeclassic 84 481

vote type 1 6 481

By erectioninfection - 01/05/2009 18:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

agreeclassic 78 891

vote type 1 26 611

By chelle - 01/05/2009 17:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

agreeclassic 97 915

vote type 1 15 683

Pet detective

By badluckdrew - 01/05/2009 14:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. FML

agreeclassic 59 669

vote type 1 20 706

By amiadori - 01/05/2009 09:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

agreeclassic 88 659

vote type 1 5 327

By cait - 30/04/2009 19:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

agreeclassic 16 658

vote type 1 100 255

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

agreeclassic 30 782

vote type 1 4 142

Today, my live-in boyfriend spent yet another evening trying to bait Twitch streamers into a debate about stuff he barely understands. He's obsessed with "growing his audience", and I'm getting tired of his bullshit. FML

agreeclassic 805

vote type 1 169

Today, my boyfriend has had name ideas for his future son and daughter even before I met him, but so have I. He disregards my ideas and suggestions, and is hell bent on giving our kids names because he likes "the way they sound." 'Hippopotamus' sounds good, but who’d name their kids that? FML

agreeclassic 954

vote type 1 204

Today, I threw up in bio when we dissected cow hearts. Guess that rules out my childhood passion as a possible career. FML

agreeclassic 796

vote type 1 148

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

agreeclassic 22 148

vote type 1 3 020

Today, my friends and I went camping in the woods. I fell asleep first. Waking up hours later to them bunched up together in the middle of the tent and me half-way outside, I confronted them about it. They admitted, "We heard a bear so we needed a sacrifice." FML

agreeclassic 52 758

vote type 1 5 551