Spicy

Quick thinking

By rolyat - 01/05/2012 16:41 - United States - Rochester

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 769

You deserved it 4 013

By epicsquishii - 01/05/2012 11:02 - United States - Riverbank

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 062

You deserved it 3 473

By lowlife123 - 01/05/2012 03:01 - United States - Manawa

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 997

You deserved it 7 446

By NotAModel - 30/04/2012 15:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 329

You deserved it 3 867

Grooming

By kdehshaden - 30/04/2012 08:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 660

You deserved it 56 898

By ShadowJack - 29/04/2012 15:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 522

You deserved it 9 800

By Elise - 28/04/2012 23:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 562

You deserved it 4 593

By Matt - 28/04/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 377

You deserved it 15 755

By poo4brains - 28/04/2012 04:42 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Spicy

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 143

You deserved it 3 642

Confuddled

By yosenfal - 28/04/2012 01:04 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Spicy

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 095

You deserved it 4 100

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 12:08 - United States - Indianapolis

Spicy

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 944

You deserved it 2 963

Um… you what now?

By intheairtonight - 25/04/2012 06:22 - United States - Minneapolis

Spicy

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 721

You deserved it 3 167

By mmmtortilla - 24/04/2012 14:03 - Spain - Portugalete

Spicy

Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 382

You deserved it 28 567

By hjkashld - 24/04/2012 01:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 549

You deserved it 36 533

By Capteen - 22/04/2012 12:17 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 425

You deserved it 3 723

Capteen_fml tells us more.

Capteen_fml 9

Sunday 22 April 2012 17:21

OP here! I definitely have a new mattress, and the frames been well cleaned as it was in storage for a while. To the people saying get over it - I'm not upset or creeped out too much, I just thought it was FML worthy. And no, I have no intention of 'repeating the cycle' to my children as such - I need to finish my studies before even considering children!

Pranked

By Hakimstah - 21/04/2012 17:38 - Lebanon

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 961

You deserved it 4 505

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Spicy

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 110

You deserved it 9 918

By caitlinz5 - 18/04/2012 16:55 - United States - Williston Park

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend and I have more in common than I thought. We both are sexually attracted to men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 337

You deserved it 3 881

caitlinz5 tells us more.

caitlinz5 2

Thursday 19 April 2012 1:58

I know the thread's finished, but the person that started it and a few others should be ashamed of themselves. There's NOTHING wrong or unnatural about non heterosexuals, so take your bigotry some place else! I'm upset because my boyfriend doesn't feel anything for me romantically. That's it. FML team said it all.

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 10:59 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 919

You deserved it 2 910

By lindsaykay - 18/04/2012 00:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 197

You deserved it 4 127

By Anonymous - 17/04/2012 19:29 - United States - Milwaukee

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 918

You deserved it 3 181

Getting hot in here

By blocked_by_fire - 17/04/2012 18:13 - United States - Pullman

Spicy

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 792

You deserved it 4 532

By Jason199615 - 17/04/2012 18:11 - United States - Marshfield

Spicy

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 423

You deserved it 2 728

By anonymous - 17/04/2012 01:59 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 947

You deserved it 7 490

By oface13 - 16/04/2012 08:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 359

You deserved it 5 974

Freaky

By lifeonfire12 - 16/04/2012 01:13 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 710

You deserved it 42 215

Roll with it

By jonasister - 15/04/2012 18:43 - Sweden - Lund

Spicy

Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 451

You deserved it 3 350

By bummed - 15/04/2012 07:03 - United States - Cresson

Spicy

Today, after years of waiting, I finally got to meet the band whose music got me through one of the hardest times I have ever experienced. When I turned down the lead singer for sex, they told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 386

You deserved it 13 723

By Were do we go... - 15/04/2012 04:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 218

You deserved it 6 050

By joolsie - 13/04/2012 13:11 - United Kingdom - York

Spicy

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 293

You deserved it 32 082

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, a friendly game of Cards Against Humanity somehow ended in a screaming match, my best friend's mother pulling out her tits, and me getting bit in the foot by a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 499

You deserved it 3 504

Today, I have to sleep in another room, with the door closed, because if I don't, my girlfriend's snoring will keep me awake. I was diagnosed with chronic insomnia because of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 134

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card, since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV, a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 740

You deserved it 3 603

Today, I politely asked a man to not sleep on a tram stop that I had to clean. He got up, and while I leaned forward to pick up some trash from the ground nearby, I felt a warm stream on my back. Now I can't get the smell of urine off my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 057

You deserved it 4 632

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 040

You deserved it 2 633

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 272

You deserved it 111