Spicy

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Spicy

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 967

You deserved it 3 035

By Sgt_Jackrum - 05/02/2016 10:27 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Spicy

Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 361

You deserved it 2 411

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 638

You deserved it 8 772

Weirdo

By concernedsis - 04/02/2016 14:53 - United States - Atlanta

Spicy

Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 789

You deserved it 1 851

Sampled

By zachhewett - 02/02/2016 22:53 - United States - Birmingham

Spicy

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I noticed that one of the kids selected for a test looked incredibly high. After he went into the bathroom and gave me his cup with his urine inside, I took a closer look… to see that the little shit had jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 416

You deserved it 2 875

By Anonymous - 01/02/2016 12:00 - United States - Montgomery

Spicy

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 342

You deserved it 6 110

By Why - 29/01/2016 22:53

Spicy

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 679

You deserved it 3 632

Wanker

By Sandman2015 - 29/01/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Spicy

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 400

You deserved it 1 933

By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/01/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 372

You deserved it 5 158

Spontaneous

By FullCircleProblem - 27/01/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 838

You deserved it 2 418

Randy

By Anonymous - 26/01/2016 22:22 - Netherlands - Reusel

Spicy

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 932

You deserved it 1 792

Crude

By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 01:24 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Spicy

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 002

You deserved it 5 058

By helloimkylieee - 25/01/2016 01:04 - United States - Tracy

Spicy

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 818

You deserved it 1 568

No way

By Anonymous - 22/01/2016 19:31 - United States - Cloquet

Spicy

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 591

You deserved it 1 588

WTF is this fresh hell?

By swag papi - 22/01/2016 05:47 - Australia - Perth

Spicy

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang. I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 035

You deserved it 8 377

Don't look!

By Garfield - 21/01/2016 04:41 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 716

You deserved it 3 907

Time out

By sadandmad - 20/01/2016 16:09 - United States - Bonita Springs

Spicy

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 181

You deserved it 2 942

By Anonymous - 19/01/2016 12:43 - Canada - Bedford

Spicy

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 949

You deserved it 1 596

By Anonymous - 19/01/2016 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 349

You deserved it 2 780

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 18:41 - United States - Valparaiso

Spicy

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 736

You deserved it 4 013

By anon - 16/01/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Spicy

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 770

You deserved it 21 276

Dirty talk

By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 06:40 - United States - Denver

Spicy

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 056

You deserved it 4 846

By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 16:01 - United States - Worcester

Spicy

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 613

You deserved it 2 272

By mouse_13 - 15/01/2016 06:28 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Spicy

Today, my fiancée was asleep, so I decided to spoon her from behind and cup her boobs to wake her up nicely. She responded by yelling, "THE TOAST!" and elbowing me in the face whilst still asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 594

You deserved it 5 669

mouse_13_fml tells us more.

mouse_13_fml 9

Saturday 16 January 2016 4:52

OP here- really surprised anyone would think this was cruel, as we've ben together for a long time and therefore know each others boundaries! Makes me sad people have to see the negative in something that makes me smile!

You'd know by now

By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 04:51 - United States - Burbank

Spicy

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said, "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 467

You deserved it 2 473

By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 12:51 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 749

You deserved it 18 805

By ShouldveStayedAVirgin - 13/01/2016 18:30 - United States - Houston

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 955

You deserved it 7 101

By Bex98 - 11/01/2016 08:17 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 786

You deserved it 8 066

Bex98 tells us more.

Bex98 6

Tuesday 12 January 2016 1:03

So, this is my FML. I'm not sure if it's verified, because I keep forgetting my passwords. Like a complete ******* haha. But anyways, this answer was prompted because I asked the server to describe the alfredo sauce, and she said: "It's creamy and white." Also, the FML about the veteran and his pickup line was also mine a few months ago, and of course I didn't have an account when I posted then either. Also, my brother did not willingly hang out with me haha. My family and a few other families were travelling together, and the teenagers, who all happened to be friends of my brother, went to eat together.

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

The Top

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 024

You deserved it 3 376

Today, I decided to be a gentleman and let an old lady have my seat on the bus. Before I could even get up, she sat on my lap and wouldn't get off. I got an involuntary lap dance from a grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 990

You deserved it 2 134

Today, I was on a date with a guy and we decided to go see a movie. As we were walking in, I saw my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend. I tried to avoid them, but my left heel got caught in a crack in the pavement and I fell face-first onto the ground. My ex and his girlfriend saw me, laughed, and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 152

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 076

You deserved it 343

Today, I was in a bus headed to another city and fell asleep as did everyone else. I must've woken up last, because I half-snorted as I woke up and everybody heard. Now we’re on a coffee break and I can see them all snicker about it outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 166

Today, I was walking through the store when I saw a little boy point to me and say something to his mom. I was out of earshot at the time, but I got close enough just in time to hear the mom reply, "God says we have to love everyone, even if they're ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 561

You deserved it 2 757