Kids

Dumbass

By Anonymous - 31/08/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, my son tried my year great-grandad's 90 year-old whiskey, didn’t like it, and poured it all down the sink. When I confronted him, he confidently told me it was nasty and must have expired, so he did me a favour and poured it away and washed the bottle. I had to walk away and remind myself I love him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554

You deserved it 127

Macabre date

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year-old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 735

You deserved it 6 743

Never going outside again

By Anonymous - 30/08/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, not only is my son a bully, but he's dumb enough to bully a kid whose parents both do martial arts. His mom is a cage fighter and his step-dad is a kickboxer. They're both huge, terrifying, and pissed off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 617

Kids these days

By natasha - 29/08/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, my stepdaughter flat out refused to eat her father’s mashed potatoes. Just a day ago, she was raving about how much she loved her dad’s cooking. Why would she lie? FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 141

Where did you get that from?

By So much wrong - 28/08/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, my son said his first word. It was the N-word. We are white. I need to have a talk with my husband immediately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 538

You deserved it 149

Father figure

By Anonymous - 26/08/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, I realised my step-kids never really thought of me as their dad, given that since their mother died 7 months ago, they haven’t visited me once, don’t respond to texts, or answer when I phone them. I’ve been totally abandoned by them, even though I’ve been their stepdad over 25 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 108

Keeping up appearances

By vanessax - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Crown Point

Today, my seven-year-old told me to lose weight. Her reason? There's a family fun day coming up at her school and she is embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 585

You deserved it 23 464

Chilling

By BondingTime - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 385

You deserved it 4 211

What happened?

By Someonethrowmeabone - 24/08/2024 14:00 - United States - New York

Today, I'd finally found a decent job after months of unemployment, I'd even got my kids into after-school care for my job. They'd told me they could handle my autistic son. I got them back at the end of the day today and they said not to bring them back. What the hell do I do now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 525

You deserved it 118

Confusing guys and their bro code

By Men are weird - 23/08/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, my son tried to fight my husband, his step-dad, who knocked him to the floor with one good punch. I was ready to throw my husband out, but an hour later they were having a heart-to-heart, and now they get along better than they ever have. HUH?!! FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 193

Never engage with the enemy

By Anonymous - 23/08/2024 14:00 - United States - Henderson

Today, I was at a grocery store when I saw a kid waving enthusiastically at me. Thinking he was adorable, I waved back with a big smile. The kid looked horrified and ran to his mom, screaming, "Stranger danger!" Everyone in the store aisle turned to stare at me like I was some sort of creep. FM

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 111

The protector

By Dad - 21/08/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, I paid my daughter a surprise visit, only to see her husband beating her. I charged in and slammed him into the wall. She screamed at me to stop. They'd recently gotten into martial arts and were sparring, and now he's got a broken arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 306

Back to school

By This generation is lost! - 20/08/2024 00:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, it’s only the first week of school and already I’ve confiscated five vapes, ended makeup tutorials along with full pallets and contour kits, broken up three fist fights, and had to remind the class of the importance of keeping one’s clothes on during school. I teach fourth grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 58

Cheapskate

By Anonymous - 19/08/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my daughter that the gold wedding ring her fiancé gave her as proof he was serious about the wedding is actually just a brass compression ring, worth less than a quid. She refuses to believe me, because I’ve never liked him. I’m a plumber; I know a brass ring when I see one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 76

Kinda bizarre

By @SamAnderson - 17/08/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, my 17 year-old son has been using his phone on the toilet. Every time he poops, he takes his phone to the bathroom. Why does he need his phone to use the bathroom? He uses the toilet with his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 599

Age gap

By YoungBlood - 16/08/2024 00:00 - Australia

Today, I found out that when my mum had introduced me to her boyfriend, it was right before his birthday, so she'd rounded his age up. For two years I thought he was seven and a half years older than me, when really he's actually six and a half years older. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171

You deserved it 376

Why not both?

By Rob - 14/08/2024 00:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, my wife is furious with me because I would rather our teenage son see a counselor instead of a psychiatrist. I want our son to learn healthy coping mechanisms for life, not just take pills to make everything go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 444

Stumped

By walkingdictionary - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 757

You deserved it 37 226

F*** Grandma, eh kids?

By Sorry mommy - 13/08/2024 14:00 - United States - Corona

Today, I was so distraught during my mother’s funeral that I hadn’t been paying attention to anything around me. At some point, my kids changed my ringtone to “Ding dong the witch is dead” and turned my phone to full volume. They called while I was doing her eulogy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 118

Manipulation

By Stephen - 12/08/2024 06:00 - United States - Fort Rucker

Today, I realized that I got set up by my narcissistic ex-fiancée. She'd planned to get pregnant by me, did, then halfway way through the pregnancy put a restraining order on me, and went MIA. Now I don't know anything about my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 151

Sorry sweetie

By ddhaley1 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Edmond

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 826

You deserved it 3 338

Dudes rock

By Anonymous - 10/08/2024 20:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out my SO is cheating on me. He has been acting weird so I went through his phone and, sure enough, my gut was right. We have a baby and I've been raising his kids. He's wack as hell for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 135

Give me a break

By No love here - 09/08/2024 00:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my husband called me selfish and ungrateful then canceled the cruise he’d booked as a surprise. I only asked if we could get a sitter for the kids. I’m a stay at home mom who homeschools and co-sleeps. We never get a single minute alone, so excuse me for wanting some adult time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598

You deserved it 194

Mom moment

By Anonymous - 08/08/2024 22:00 - United States - Topanga

Today, I thought it would be funny to bust out some dance moves in the middle of the supermarket to embarrass my teenage daughter. As I was trying to the moonwalk, I slipped on a wet spot and crashed into a stack of cereal boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 754

No one messes with Ben and/or Jerry

By Keith - 07/08/2024 22:00 - Ireland

Today, I was instructed to tell my niece a bedtime story, so I made up a story where they come down to Earth and steal all the ice cream. Suddenly, she burst into tears and ran to her mom, screaming, "The aliens are coming! Save the ice cream!" Now, I'm banned from bedtime storytelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 369

You deserved it 239

Rare insults corner

By ButImBeautiful - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 731

You deserved it 697

The struggle

By Anonymous - 06/08/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my son came to complain that all he and his girlfriend do is have sex, yet never talk to each other. As his dad, I tried to give him good advice, but as his mom makes me miserable every time she opens her mouth, it was a struggle to think what to say. In fact, he’s living my idea of paradise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 213

Stiched up

By familyofpsychos - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 962

You deserved it 2 462

It's never 100%

By Stuck - 05/08/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I found out I’m gonna be a father. Apparently, my ex-girlfriend’s arm implant didn’t work this one time we had sex during our closure talk. Now I’m stuck having a baby with a girl I don’t even love anymore, and I have figure out how to explain this to my current girlfriend, who I do love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 782

Not too fond of the chair

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 880

You deserved it 36 557

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 250

You deserved it 2 943

Today, a woman I've never met drove to the house I live in and tried to buy meth. She knew my name and I have no idea how. I retired from the Army in December and I'm in the hiring process for Customs and Border Protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 79

Today, I went on a date with a guy who seemed really nice. However, halfway through the date, he started talking about how he was a flat-earther, and believed that the moon landing was faked. Oh, and that birds aren't real. I had to endure another hour of his conspiracy theories before I could finally escape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 151

Today, I realized that I love my child's school resource officer and not the man that fathered my children. I don't know what to do about this. My oldest child can't stand his father and looks up to the school resource officer, while my youngest loves them both. I don't know what to do without hurting someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 663

Today, I had my girlfriend over after my wife went to work. She looked so sexy in her outfit, I couldn’t resist. I ripped her clothes off and began to do her on my couch… until I heard my daughter’s voice asking, “Dad, who’s that?” Apparently, she was home sick from school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 3 089

Today, we got a new kitten, and my older cat is not happy. I just learned that my fiance doesn't interfere when they fight. He says watching my old fat cat chase the kitten is the funniest thing he's seen all month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196

You deserved it 444