Animals

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 242

Danger zone

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I broke my glasses. How did I break my glasses? A cow kicked me in the face at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 360

You deserved it 333

By WeiXinLun - 25/12/2013 06:22 - United States - Union City

Today, my new neighbors moved in. They have a chihuahua that constantly barks all throughout the day. It makes a great addition to my other neighbors that have a rooster that goes off at sunrise every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 012

You deserved it 2 981

WeiXinLun tells us more.

WeiXinLun 16

Wednesday 25 December 2013 23:23

OP here! this actual happened a while ago, but the principle is still the same. the neighbors with the chihuahua, they occasionally yell at the dog to shut up. for the most part, they do nothing. it's not too loud to legally make a noise complaint, but loud enough to be an awful annoyance. as for the ones with the rooster, they don't even speak English. they're from Hong Kong, so they only speak Cantonese, which i don't speak. and i live in the middle of suburbia, so the rooster is very illegal. a 1000$ fine, i believe, if reported. the rooster usually gets really loud around 10, so it sometimes wakes me up, sometimes not. the chihuahua is pretty much 24/7. any more suggestions are more than welcome though, thanks!

By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 18:58 - United States

Today, it took me and my husband three hours to put our new book shelves together. It took our cat all of three seconds to knock it all down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 854

You deserved it 5 424

By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - 27/11/2013 07:08 - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 874

You deserved it 3 096

By Skoff - 23/07/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 124

You deserved it 2 953

Oh no…

By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 121

You deserved it 1 466

Psycho

By dating a psycho - 03/02/2022 08:00

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend was a kid, she enjoyed torturing animals for fun. Nice to know she was lying when she said the idea of harming an animal “makes her sick to her stomach.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 121

Thanks dude

By Cheese - 12/05/2021 00:02

Today, my sausage dog ate my cat's turds and barfed them all over my bed. Try convincing the girl you just brought home to get into bed after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 281

Hello?

By blahhlovely_30 - 09/03/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 628

You deserved it 4 956

he ded

By Anonymous - 27/03/2018 01:30

Today, while on an airboat exploring the Everglades, my cousin decided it would be funny to push me off the boat. Into water full of alligators. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 189

You deserved it 358

By ks.swan13 - 22/12/2010 09:50

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 687

You deserved it 2 910

By Anonymous - 14/05/2016 10:34 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 981

You deserved it 2 648

Now you know

By Ouchies - 18/03/2021 17:01

Today, I went to the beach. My friend decided it would be funny to push me into a bunch of Portuguese Man-O-War jellyfish washed up on the shore. Did you know their tentacles can sting even if they’re dead? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 97

By kasai_x0x - 19/06/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 488

You deserved it 36 121

By NotEnoughCleaner - 12/11/2009 17:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised I hate my cat. She has 'stress incontinence', which involved her peeing all over my house. Last week I found out she'd been peeing on my stove, and I can't clean off the smell. Now whenever I try to cook some food, the kitchen is flooded with the scent of burning cat pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 486

You deserved it 5 694

midgie tells us more.

midgie 0

Friday 13 November 2009 11:52

Oh, she's been to the vet. Lots. And apparently, unlike in humans, cat 'stress incontinence' isn't the kind where you pee when you sneeze, but the kind where you pee everywhere when you're stressed. Why is she stressed? We think she freaked out when my husband worked away from home for a few weeks. Why isn't she better - dunno! She has meds. from the vet to help her. I can't keep her out of the kitchen, due to the design of my funny, v. old, house the kitchen doesn't have a door to close it off from the rest of the house. Also her cat-flap (kitty door) is in the front door, which opens onto ...the kitchen. And she's been peeing under my bed... I've now thoroughly run out of tolerance for cat pee, hence the hatred...

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 16:42 - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 033

You deserved it 8 301