Your everyday life stories

Surprisebuttsecks? - 07/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

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ouch - 01/09/2010 13:50 - Belgium

Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML

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Control

Username - 23/03/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

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BrownDump - 14/05/2011 10:43 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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ihateveganism - 22/08/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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dana - 16/12/2013 22:43 - United States - Montrose

Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML

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Anonymous - 13/08/2010 16:13 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to hack my Facebook and "like" everybody's statuses. This includes my boyfriend's about his grandmother dying. FML

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egged - 08/07/2014 01:41 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I have a really high fever and my sister thought I was hot enough to fry an egg on. So I'm lying in bed now, still terribly feverish, but smelling of the egg she cracked on my back. FML

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Anonymous - 12/08/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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cockroach - 27/09/2009 15:52 - United States

Today, I saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Immediately I got a stick to smack it down. When I hit it, it fell and landed in my mouth. Karma much? FML

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Anonymous - 01/01/2013 06:12 - United States - Amelia

Today, my brother thought New Year's would be more epic and memorable if the fireworks were set off in the family room and not outside. It is memorable. FML

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ashlan - 23/05/2014 00:54 - United States

Today, a customer left a Starbucks card in the tip jar at work. It was empty. I work at Starbucks. FML

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ashlan

ashlan 13

Friday 23 May 2014 17:30

Yes we get tips. It adds an extra few dollars an hour. Why wouldn't we get tips? We provide a service.

Broly171 - 01/10/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

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Anonymous - 24/02/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

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Do it again!

immy504 - 30/11/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled, "NINJA WAITRESS!" Everyone at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML

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cakefete2 - 04/07/2014 17:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

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CHStennis_4 - 03/09/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

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Oh really? No way!

verydepressed - - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

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Anonymous - 18/02/2013 07:44 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

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I'm trash

skreweduP - 15/06/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his Facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

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Anonymous - 20/10/2010 03:05 - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

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onlychild - 12/04/2014 06:22 - United States

Today, my sister is working on her graduation speech. She gives her thanks to one friend for helping support her through school, like, "The sister I never had". FML

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Anonymous - 22/09/2013 21:40 - United States - Lusby

Today, my boss made me play golf with some executives of a company we're hoping to secure a business deal with, despite me having no golf training. My first swing ended up with me being rushed to the hospital. FML

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Ecological hazard

waterballoons - 27/07/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

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sadSarah - 01/05/2014 09:59 - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

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ch - 04/03/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

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Anonymous - 10/02/2015 23:32 - United States - Herndon

Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML

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badtrip - 03/03/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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oD_Ronan - 29/08/2013 07:39 - United States - Olympia

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

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Hiimhaileypotter - 14/07/2014 22:48 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I left the house I'm staying at, not knowing that thunderstorms were forecast. I came back from work to find dog shit splattered all over the kitchen. Apparently the dogs I'm watching don't like thunder. FML

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Hiimhaileypotter

Hiimhaileypotter 52

Tuesday 15 July 2014 16:23

#12- They stay in the kitchen when I'm gone (I was at work), and the FML is really that I forgot thunderstorms were in the forecast. I was supposed to have turned on the stove fan to help mask the sound, but I forgot. :( Lol. It's not really a huge deal. Just a minor inconvenience!