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Asshats

By anon - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I heard some boys shouting behind me. As I turned around they poured a bucket of red liquid over my head. They thought I was someone they knew. I wasn't. And I was wearing a $200 white dress. Red dye doesn't come out of white dresses. FML

agreeclassic 84 586

vote type 1 4 986

Right in the cussy

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, at work, the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

agreeclassic 78 927

vote type 1 3 292

Late stage Lucy Letby

By mrdentist - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

agreeclassic 70 247

vote type 1 5 618

Impressive

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

agreeclassic 59 747

vote type 1 19 557

It wasn't me

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About two minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

agreeclassic 57 760

vote type 1 20 096

Gullible

By anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

agreeclassic 56 450

vote type 1 9 815

Up to date

By kubbyp - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while reading the paper I saw a picture of a guy I really like that I'd met online. The picture was in the obituaries. No wonder he hasn't called. FML

agreeclassic 51 422

vote type 1 4 127

Oh no…

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

agreeclassic 45 670

vote type 1 4 750

Thieves like us

By Broeman - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her unemployed stoner boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

agreeclassic 45 400

vote type 1 4 430

Sleigh bells

By dude, where's my balls? :( - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Anchorage

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy for some Christmas shopping. She picked up some presents for me and told me not to look at what she was buying. When we got to the register, she didn't have enough money, and I ended up having to buy my own presents. FML

agreeclassic 40 811

vote type 1 3 469

Merry Xmas

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Jeromesville

Today, a friend had invited me to Christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there, she told me that her and her husband had forgotten they had another dinner to go to, and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

agreeclassic 39 709

vote type 1 2 968

No good deed…

By John - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

agreeclassic 38 000

vote type 1 3 316

It's catching

By longdrive - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

agreeclassic 37 809

vote type 1 5 224

Oh, totally

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

agreeclassic 36 644

vote type 1 4 562

Creep

By fu2then - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He said, "Yeah well, you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

agreeclassic 36 319

vote type 1 4 239

Peaceful

By kirrby - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

agreeclassic 36 276

vote type 1 4 635

Be warned

By JCC - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

agreeclassic 35 725

vote type 1 13 158

Whaaaaat?

By erphy21 - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Lompoc

Today, my 18 year-old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 35 438

vote type 1 6 432

Ouch

By ouch - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Union City

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

agreeclassic 34 904

vote type 1 2 543

Tis the season…

By evil Santa - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

agreeclassic 34 455

vote type 1 3 259

Stalker vibes

By nerdychick - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML

agreeclassic 34 290

vote type 1 22 448

Merry sigma grindset!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, I'd be spending it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML

agreeclassic 34 093

vote type 1 2 372

Roll with it

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom rolled up the car window on my fingers. She thought my yelling and crying was because I was throwing a tantrum. I'm 26. FML

agreeclassic 33 803

vote type 1 4 088

Yuletide log

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Dallas

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

agreeclassic 33 045

vote type 1 4 347

Pile up

By neverforgetyourphone - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Barrie

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

agreeclassic 32 701

vote type 1 3 007

He's one of those people

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

agreeclassic 31 718

vote type 1 3 251

I just can't hide it

By doomeddaddy - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

agreeclassic 31 520

vote type 1 3 315

Doggy dog world

By wouaf - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - France - Voiron

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

agreeclassic 30 451

vote type 1 5 562

Cool down

By father-in-nope - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

agreeclassic 29 840

vote type 1 2 862

Smartass

By dumbass for a flatmate - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

agreeclassic 29 585

vote type 1 3 860

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I was considering joining the army, so I asked my veteran uncle what the worst bits are. He told me the worst was learning for yourself just how horrible it is to see the light go out behind someone’s eyes as they die with your bullet in their chest. I don’t want to join the army anymore. FML

agreeclassic 360

vote type 1 1 300

Today, I burned dinner because my girlfriend was yelling for me to help with a trivial problem. To salvage things, I ordered pizza. She spent the rest of the evening moaning that I ruined dinner, that we don't eat healthy, and that I "make us" waste money on food. FML

agreeclassic 993

vote type 1 204

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

agreeclassic 12 867

vote type 1 873

Today, I accidentally stepped on my cat's paw and she let out a deafening screech of pain. After treating her like a queen for the rest of the day as an apology, I accidentally kicked her in the dark, sending her flying up against the wall. I feel as though I should sleep with one eye open tonight. FML

agreeclassic 870

vote type 1 447

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

agreeclassic 31 599

vote type 1 7 167

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

agreeclassic 1 591

vote type 1 363