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By Anonymous - 21/02/2012 19:17 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 881

You deserved it 6 405

Not a girl, not yet a woman

By Anonymous - 28/02/2020 01:00

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 372

You deserved it 242

By imustbegay - 09/05/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 387

You deserved it 10 413

By dannidoll93 - 15/06/2016 11:56 - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, five minutes into a first date with a woman I really wanted to impress, we got on to a very busy train. I was so concerned with making sure that my backpack didn't get caught in the closing doors that I forgot to worry about my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 871

You deserved it 1 933

dannidoll93 tells us more.

dannidoll93 24

Wednesday 15 June 2016 23:37

Hi everyone-OP here. In answer to some of the questions: - My backpack is silver and pretty small. I use it instead of a handbag because I'm prone to losing bags that aren't strapped to me through putting them down and leaving them places. - The date was pretty standard- drinks and a meal at a cool bar. Nothing crazy in the backpack! - The doors are curved on the tubes here. In addition, we were literally packed in so close that I could have had full intercourse with like 5 strangers where I was standing. I thought I was clear of the door but apparently not. I laughed it off and she was very sympathetic. My head feels okay now but I did have a bit of a headache for a while! - Other than that, we had a fun date but we didn't really click and we've agreed to just be friends. Thanks for all the comments!

By Lonely, I am so lonely - 12/06/2016 13:41 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 083

You deserved it 919

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 06:38 - Australia - Boondall

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 140

You deserved it 6 224

Dingdong

By SF49 - 16/01/2013 18:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 909

You deserved it 3 765

Vengeance is mine

By shitty neighbor - 25/07/2021 10:01 - United States

Today, I had to call the cops on my neighbor. I was heading off to work when I saw him actually shitting in our yard. The reason? They caught my dumbass rebel of a son on their security camera, shitting in their yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 498

A heads up next time maybe?

By Bob - 07/04/2020 02:00

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 723

You deserved it 1 033

By Tmth - 25/05/2016 22:24

Today, I'm on crutches due to hip surgery. I went to the fridge to grab a bite to eat, but quickly realized if I wanted anything, I would have to eat there. I can't carry anything. Cold leftovers here we go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 377

You deserved it 897

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend had said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth, and laughed before she passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 161

You deserved it 4 715

By evenmybodyhatesme - 15/05/2016 06:47 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 509

You deserved it 1 263

By belladonna1025 - 11/05/2016 18:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 325

You deserved it 835

By 1942Ford - 07/05/2016 14:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I'm getting a medical scan, so I had to drink a barium shake for breakfast. It was so disgusting that I puked it back up. Now I have to drink another one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 283

You deserved it 1 296

1942Ford tells us more.

1942Ford 11

Sunday 8 May 2016 20:15

OP here - can't believe this got published! I kept the second nasty shake down and survived the scan, only to have cramps and diarrhea the whole rest of the day. I really know how to party on a Saturday, don't I? They did the scan because I've been having abdominal pain. Should have the results next week, hope it turns out to be nothing!

By gorgeousrenthead - 10/08/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my parents decided to visit me. When I first got my apartment I gave them a key "just in case" and today they used this key to enter when I didn't answer their knocking. I didn't answer because I was having sex with my boyfriend. My parents saw everything. They didn't know I was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 457

You deserved it 30 047

gorgeousrenthead tells us more.

gorgeousrenthead 0

Saturday 12 September 2009 5:06

i was *cough* receiving...

Et tu, Brute?

By Anonymous - 30/07/2018 15:00

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 352

You deserved it 480

By takeshi - 05/08/2018 20:30

Today, I took my girlfriend to a restaurant we both like. By the end of the date, we were fighting and she angrily broke up with me. To make things worse, I got food poisoning. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 315

You deserved it 309

By I can't stand leg puns - 08/08/2018 02:30 - United Kingdom - Feltham

Today, I was called back about my job interview. I was told that due to my restricted mobility from my prosthetic leg, they don't think I'll be able to do the job. It's a desk job on the ground floor of the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 125

Scribble your name across my heart…

By Jennie - 16/06/2020 08:08

Today, I sent a guy in my English class a rose. He's kind of an outcast, so I though it would be a nice gesture. I asked him later how his day was going and he said, "Good. I got a rose this morning, but I could tell it was from a guy. The handwriting was awful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 601

You deserved it 375

Fantasy world

By whathef???? - 13/02/2010 06:51 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were role playing to keep our marriage alive. His character was a deranged stalker while I was the helpless girl. My neighbor thought I was really being chased so she called the cops. Once they came we explained the whole story and got a fine for disturbing the peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 964

You deserved it 7 958

By Anonymous - 01/09/2018 03:30

Today, at work, I received flowers from a Tinder fling gone wrong. He constantly flipped out on me and then would apologize. I finally got tired of it and blocked him on all social media. The scary part is that I never told him where I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 968

You deserved it 248

By SeverelyAnnoyed - 31/03/2016 17:53 - Netherlands

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 583

You deserved it 1 145

By Lolly - 12/09/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 303

You deserved it 839

By megatron - 16/03/2016 17:04 - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 043

You deserved it 1 587

I NEED URGENT ASSISTANCE

By help me - 24/04/2016 08:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 853

You deserved it 1 496

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 23:01

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 299

You deserved it 2 117

By idontlikebitter - 08/03/2016 21:10 - Switzerland - Klingnau

Today, as I was doing my make-up, I needed a Q-tip to fix a mistake. I took one out the box and put it in my mouth to get it wet. Too bad someone had used it before to clean their ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 232

You deserved it 3 970

By allgassedout - 04/01/2015 00:23 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 414

You deserved it 7 348

By Mel - 05/10/2015 04:21 - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 291

You deserved it 2 712

By madisonnnnnn - 13/02/2016 01:38 - United States - Parker

Today, I found out my doctor misdiagnosed my kidney stones as constipation. Now, I'm shitting like crazy from the laxatives that he gave me, and I also have to pass a kidney stone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 887

You deserved it 1 311

madisonnnnnn tells us more.

madisonnnnnn 9

Wednesday 24 February 2016 4:24

Hi OP here! Even though I had an x-Ray, the stones did not show up. Since the pain was abdominal and I hadn't pooped in a few days my doctor assumed it was constipation and gave me laxatives. However I am not constipated I did pass the horribly painful kidney stones.