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What?!

By needmorelocks - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 400

You deserved it 2 805

Jump in

By sisi9999 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 108

You deserved it 3 608

In big 2026?

By Brainrot Blues - 12/04/2026 17:00 - United States

Today, I work at a craft store. One of the things we sell are wooden numbers. If I had a dollar for every time a random kid took all the 6's and 7's and lined them up across the floor, forcing me to stop what I'm doing in order to go put them back, I'd probably have more than $67. It's an almost daily occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 48

Family man

By Anonymous - 12/04/2026 20:00 - United States

Today, I had to turn down a huge job promotion that would have meant a bigger salary and more benefits because it would have required me to move, and my wife and kids absolutely refuse to leave behind the farm we live on or all the animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 143

A sneeze and a wheeze

By Pollensux - 13/04/2026 03:00 - United States

Today, I learned that not only is it the peak of pollen season, but that it will be dry for the next two weeks at least, meaning there will be no rain to carry the pollen away. As someone who is severely allergic and can't take medicine, just kill me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 57

Portion control

By Anonymous - 13/04/2026 03:00 - United States - Fontana

Today, my wife refuses to acknowledge our kids’ weight problem. When I try, she claims bodyshaming. The last time we went to the park, one wouldn’t get off the bench, the other was too big for the slide, and our daughter got stuck in the swing. They were all so winded they couldn’t talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 44

Britain's Got Talent?

By Anonymous - 13/04/2026 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, during an important music audition, I fudged everything up and forgot half the lyrics of the song I was performing, so I just sort of tailed off into embarrassed silence on stage. It was an original song, I wrote the lyrics myself. All the lady could say was, "Good luck next year, dear." FML

I agree, your life sucks 118

You deserved it 49

Small pleasures mean a lot

By Chocolate Croissant - 13/04/2026 20:00 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I think I had a mini orgasm when the baker told me that the chocolate croissant I'd just chosen was still warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 13

Bad guy, duh

By sonowwhatdoido - 13/04/2026 15:00 - United States - Greenville

Today, I was supposed to have dinner with my best guy friend, (He’s gay. It’s platonic) but he never showed up.I waited for 30 minutes in the rain, texted and called, but he’s not here. This is the day after he “pranked” me by telling me the guy I like likes me back. I have no idea what’s going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 1

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 382

You deserved it 3 967

Today, I took a polygraph. The interviewer was mad at the way I was breathing and looking down once instead of straight ahead. The third test I started crying because he raised his voice, saying I was disrespecting his time. I was trying so hard but couldn't breathe with the equipment on, leaving my mind blank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 148

Today, I woke up with a mouthful of cat hair. I don't have any recollection of how this could've happened. My most plausible idea is that my cat shoved his face in my mouth while I was asleep. But how did I not wake up from that? Maybe when I'm done pulling all the hairs out of my mouth, I can think about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 190

Today, I taught my dog to "give me his paw" as a cute trick. Now he won’t stop doing it. Anytime I try to eat, work, or sit down, I’m ambushed by a very proud dog pawing at my leg for treats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 244

You deserved it 299

Today, I used the “Find My…” app to locate a missing AirPods. Good news: I found them. Bad news: they are inside my dog’s belly. Next stop: Emergency vet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 180

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 649

You deserved it 481