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By HereForJAMMF - 09/11/2016 17:50

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 410

You deserved it 6 327

By fuckyoudeadgunnuts - 04/09/2015 14:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 785

You deserved it 2 846

By GumStickExtraGmail - 14/09/2017 17:30 - United States - Arvada

Today, I found my daughter playing on my phone. When I got it back, I saw multiple texts to my boss saying that I quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 734

You deserved it 633

By FriendlessLoser - 17/08/2016 07:11 - United States - Bristow

Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 694

You deserved it 2 740

Great idea for a prank

By Lordy - 03/08/2016 11:33 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

I agree, your life sucks 13 660

You deserved it 2 469

By Sarcasmo - 12/07/2016 20:04 - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 877

You deserved it 1 302

By ShouldHaveDoneItMyself - 05/07/2016 17:04 - Sudan

Today, I didn't have the courage to tell the guy who likes me that I only thought of him as a friend, so I asked my best friend to do it for me. It turns out that her way of doing this is telling him to "Fuck off" and then punching him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 129

You deserved it 12 452

By staciefacecat - 14/06/2016 01:03

Today, my drunk boyfriend flipped out and told me I was a total control freak, and that he couldn't handle how weird and clingy I am. All I did was ask if his phone was charged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 102

You deserved it 1 544

By Anonymous - 30/05/2016 02:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 298

You deserved it 1 469

By Anonymous - 04/05/2018 19:00

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 247

You deserved it 1 625

By Disappointed - 26/05/2016 20:27 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 222

You deserved it 2 735

By Anonymous - 13/06/2018 12:00 - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 381

You deserved it 233

By Phycheledic - 12/05/2016 10:22 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 527

You deserved it 1 600

How sweet

By Birdman - 23/06/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 768

You deserved it 825

No yolk

By eggonmiface - 01/07/2018 15:00

Today, I made scrambled eggs. Returning the rest of the carton, I tripped and spilled 10 raw eggs all over the inside of the fridge. The same fridge I spent 2 hours cleaning and scrubbing every drawer and shelf of yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 446

You deserved it 512

Looking like a fool...

By Pantsontheground - 09/08/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 3 050

By shameonme - 01/04/2016 19:46 - United States - Nampa

Spicy

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 827

You deserved it 17 396

Bullet = Dodged

By nikkei - 01/09/2018 22:00

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 264

You deserved it 214

WHO ARE YOU?

By Targeted - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Kirkland

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 213

You deserved it 2 903

By stopfollowingmemeansstopfollowingme - 08/09/2018 04:30 - Australia - Matraville

Today, I tried to repay a friend's kindness by taking her visiting brother out for lunch while she was at work. He must have misread my friendliness, as he ended up following me home. I had to call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 869

You deserved it 305

By Anonymous - 27/09/2018 19:37

Today, while picking up my dog from the groomer, the back of my hand accidentally brushed against the entire side of her boob. She stopped talking mid-sentence. I'm going to need to find a new groomer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 647

You deserved it 488

Debbie Baker Minium tells us more.

Debbie Baker Minium 8

Thursday 27 September 2018 4:09

OP here. Just to clarify...I have a little 7 lb dog & the groomer was holding her. I reached to take her & the groomer turned sideways which is how my hand brushed her boob. And of course I apologized!!!! I'm a woman by the way so it wasn't a man on woman grope or anything --- still awkward and embarrassing. I love this groomer though so I will probably suck up the awkwardness and be more careful next time!!! :-)

By yikesss - 23/10/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 892

You deserved it 447

Reported!

By thatcreepyteacher - 17/02/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 888

You deserved it 1 443

Self defence

By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 22:00

Today, a few years after getting mugged inspired me to start hitting the gym and taking karate classes, I was mugged again, this time in front of my girlfriend who I actually met at the gym. I was knocked out with one punch. It was the same mugger with the same neck tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 892

You deserved it 368

By terdberglerforlyfe - 07/12/2014 20:54 - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 829

You deserved it 4 400

By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 11:26 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 032

You deserved it 2 304

By Lala - 30/11/2018 12:30 - United Kingdom - Dollar

Today, I built a computer with 8 graphics cards that were really expensive. Yeah, they all blew up except the one that cost half the price of the rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 574

You deserved it 973

By lactose intolerant - 28/01/2019 15:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 834

You deserved it 182

By anon - 20/11/2015 00:53 - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 667

You deserved it 2 232

By Anonymous - 11/04/2017 20:00

Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how it looks every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 954

You deserved it 2 391

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Today, I decided i wouldn't take the bus back home from uni, instead I walked to the metro. On my way there, I saw a couple of odd-looking guys, but I thought, "Nah, just because they wear big hoodies and caps doesn't mean they're doing anything", so I ignored them. Two minutes later they mugged me in broad daylight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 234

Today, I had to wake up my mother as the earthquake alarm rang in my country. This is the second quake in less than a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 176

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 355

You deserved it 3 986

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 656

You deserved it 3 837

Today, thanks to traveling restrictions being lifted, I was finally able to go visit the guy I've been chatting with online for the past year. When we met it was like a TV show, well more like three shows: Catfish, Hoarders and My 600lbs life. Turns out he had his neighbor video chat me all along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 736

You deserved it 668

Today, all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud. The culprit? My own mother. She rationalized it by saying I "owed" her for raising me. She didn’t even raise me. My grandma did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 094

You deserved it 132