The Top

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By CambodianAsshole - 25/12/2012 06:41 - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 500

You deserved it 3 577

Not helping

By Anonymous - 28/03/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 813

You deserved it 2 340

By need sleep - 25/02/2015 16:53 - United States - Severna Park

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 381

You deserved it 2 342

By walllflower - 08/02/2015 19:46 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 042

You deserved it 4 396

Culture wars

By FrustratedTutor - 21/08/2015 20:00 - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that, "Pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 838

You deserved it 2 834

By jesuscrip - 18/02/2016 06:08 - United States - Orrville

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I saw a woman in her late thirties pull out some hair and put it in her food, then threaten to sue me and the restaurant. She also told me no one would believe me, a teenager, when I told her I saw her put it there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 772

You deserved it 1 463

By the next james herriot - 10/09/2013 23:30 - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 568

You deserved it 3 103

By fuckoffgramps - 24/01/2016 17:10 - United States - New Freedom

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 601

You deserved it 2 271

By fatty - 17/11/2014 21:05 - United States - Gloucester

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 967

You deserved it 5 745

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 14:19 - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 697

You deserved it 9 955

By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 507

You deserved it 10 406

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, I gave my two weeks notice at work. My boss sighed with relief and muttered, "Thank God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 938

You deserved it 6 390

By Anonymous - 30/06/2014 16:19 - United States - Naperville

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 135

You deserved it 42 751

By Anonymous - 27/08/2015 12:43 - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 671

You deserved it 2 447

By FellingShitty - 05/10/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 513

You deserved it 6 441

By Jehovah God - 07/03/2014 18:51 - United States - Richmond

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, a drunk guy limped in front of my car, unzipped, and started pissing on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 400

You deserved it 3 619

By Noname - 10/03/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 078

You deserved it 61 372

By Lulu - 17/09/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 636

You deserved it 3 345

By ontherun2012 - 14/02/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 055

You deserved it 7 884

News to me

By LivingInSin - 27/01/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife Facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 672

You deserved it 4 278

Wishful thinking

By hoolagirl4422 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Hong Kong - Kennedy Town

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 186

You deserved it 9 564

Not a morning person

By chris - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 000

You deserved it 28 573

By CapNCook - 24/07/2013 09:15 - United States - Chicago

Today, a co-worker verbally abused me because I yawned. His excuse was that, "It's contagious". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 146

You deserved it 4 399

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 025

You deserved it 14 152

By BeatenUpPup - 18/05/2009 12:22 - Canada

Today, my daughter and I were at a school carnival. At the face painting station, she sat down and asked for a kitty on her face. Next, she shoved me on a chair and whispered something into the lady's ear. I ended up with a 'black eye' by request of my own daughter. She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 230

You deserved it 5 802

By anonymous - 10/11/2015 22:15 - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his taser at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tased him for acting aggressively. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 749

You deserved it 1 758

Scarred a generation

By nbj10 - 31/05/2013 22:42 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 304

You deserved it 15 406

By Anonymous - 30/06/2014 11:40 - Australia - Applecross

Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 366

You deserved it 7 781

By messyfamily - 19/09/2010 07:31 - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 738

You deserved it 2 860

By failure - 14/07/2011 16:24 - Russian Federation

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 550

You deserved it 4 167

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The Top

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 347

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 007

You deserved it 5 860

Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 395

You deserved it 288

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 951

You deserved it 4 740

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "Caution, contents may be stinky." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 005

You deserved it 22 250

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 001

You deserved it 13 913