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Lay the blame

By jobless - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed afterwards that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 369

You deserved it 2 889

By Anonymous - 13/06/2014 09:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 791

You deserved it 6 155

Sorry!

By slingshot - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 923

You deserved it 28 191

By Apes - 25/03/2013 07:18 - United States - Temecula

Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 504

You deserved it 5 028

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I'm deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 823

You deserved it 2 601

By katiebug - 12/07/2016 02:27 - United States - Topeka

Today, I was trying to get a good night's sleep before the huge exam tomorrow, which I'm extremely anxious about. The SAME night my neighbor below me is having a home birth. It lasted NINE HOURS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 280

You deserved it 1 117

Thanks, lady!

By hopeless cluts - 29/01/2012 07:36 - Canada

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 137

You deserved it 2 396

Freak out

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Spicy

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 090

You deserved it 9 909

By Tao26 - 10/11/2013 22:06 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was quizzing a girl at my college, and I noticed that when she answered a question, her ears wiggled. It was cute, so I pointed it out. She burst into tears, and the guy next to me said, "Way to make her feel insecure, douchebag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 240

You deserved it 7 571

Tao26 tells us more.

Tao26 6

Monday 11 November 2013 11:08

My exact words were "Hey, your ears wiggle when you answer questions, haha. That's cute." Not the smoothest thing to say obviously, but I guess I should have kept my comment to myself.

By fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit - 12/10/2013 20:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 490

You deserved it 14 991

By Radioo - 18/01/2010 09:00 - United States

Today, my rabbit died. He died a painful death from ingesting too much carpet. I now have no rabbit and a patchy carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 853

You deserved it 6 792

By iKaite - 15/01/2010 07:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, for the past week he has been telling everyone "mummy works as a drug dealer." I'm a pharmacist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 412

You deserved it 3 330

iKaite tells us more.

iKaite 0

Saturday 16 January 2010 19:03

rofl, dont worry I told him off and sent him to bed without cake.

Terrible troll

By ShitStirringSon - 15/08/2013 02:02 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 135

You deserved it 7 285

By FastFoodWaiter - 03/09/2012 23:43 - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 525

You deserved it 1 966

By Robyn - 04/10/2011 09:35 - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 633

You deserved it 28 015

By thebigtwinkie - 10/09/2014 07:52 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a guy tried to pick me up with the line, "You're ugly. Just kidding. You're my date." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 485

You deserved it 3 985

thebigtwinkie tells us more.

thebigtwinkie 28

Wednesday 10 September 2014 12:53

After thinking for a bit, I eventually thought he was kind of cute even though the line was absolutely awful, but he had good intentions so I faked a smile, not wanting to hurt his feelings. Oh, and I'm so happy that it's published!

By Karin - 13/08/2011 20:29 - Germany

Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 652

You deserved it 10 765

By NoRunning - 17/06/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, I was at the water park, when I slipped and fell to the ground in front of the no running sign. I was walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 417

You deserved it 5 134

By anon - 26/07/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 124

You deserved it 3 241

By Anonymous - 25/06/2015 03:55 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 551

You deserved it 5 030

By incendiaaa - 24/02/2013 11:17 - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 246

You deserved it 3 039

By Noname - 11/03/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 338

You deserved it 63 471

Betrayal!

By Anonymous - 23/05/2010 05:32 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 031

You deserved it 10 532

By Feelinfunny1 - 10/02/2012 06:56 - United States

Today, I gave an old owl lamp away because I had no need for it. The new owner informed me shortly after that it was worth $400. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 284

You deserved it 22 852

By Anonymous - 19/04/2015 14:04 - United States - Lawrence

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 982

You deserved it 3 601

Self own

By bitchyskier - 26/02/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her, "Get the fuck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 947

You deserved it 63 815

By needofmoney - 18/02/2011 02:16 - United States

Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 690

You deserved it 5 092

By lonelygirl - 14/10/2012 12:43 - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 516

You deserved it 3 713

By Anonymous - 09/10/2012 05:39 - Australia - Cambridge

Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 557

You deserved it 3 262

By edot - 16/01/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 447

You deserved it 4 784

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Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 082

You deserved it 2 197

Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 163

You deserved it 7 755

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 822

You deserved it 126 966

Today, I had sex with my wife while she was on her period. After some time, I felt a burning sensation. When I pulled out, there was not only blood on my penis, but IN my penis. I, a man, peed out period blood. It hurt. I did not know this was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 278

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 838

You deserved it 4 678

Today, after cleaning my house because I'd thrown a party all weekend while my parents were gone, I still got caught because somebody tried to make beer popsicles with Q-Tips in the ice trays in my freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 281

You deserved it 42 690