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Make your mind up

By Jason Brazil - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 211

You deserved it 564

By Bilibók Renáta - 16/08/2019 14:00

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 865

Not my problem

By Anonymous - 27/09/2023 08:00 - United States - Eagle Mountain

Today, a mom got pissed at me when I didn’t help her kid after it smacked its face into a table on the train. I got up and walked to a new table while she still yelled at me for 10 minutes. Not my mistake, so maybe watch your own mistakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 159

By SofiMarti - 24/08/2019 00:02 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my mom was named principal of the school I go to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 240

By Anonymous - 30/09/2017 13:00

Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 615

You deserved it 218

One law for thee…

By Anonymous - 16/05/2021 22:00

Today, I realized my mom is a big hypocrite for telling me sex is wrong and sinful outside marriage, because I just worked out from their marriage certificate my mom must have been pregnant with me in college, and I was born after they’d only been married for four weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 191

Ingredients check

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 18:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the sauce he made for our dinner that was meat-based, trying to show me how nice meat is and stop me being a weirdo vegan. The reason I’m vegan is because my digestive system can’t handle animal protein. I’m writing this from the bathroom, vomiting myself to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 187

**** that guy (not literally)

By Anonymous - 09/09/2022 20:30

Today, my date saw me naked, and was disgusted that 1. I shaved my pubes into a landing strip instead of completely bald, and 2. I missed a few hairs below my knee while shaving my legs. His actual words as he was half out the door were that he "wanted Princess Leia, not Chewbacca." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 234

You deserved it 288

Unreasonable

By Busting my hump - 16/01/2024 18:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, I'm on my sixth straight day of double shifts, with four more to go. I make overtime so I'm not complaining, but today my wife texted me, "Going out of town tonight, I expect the house to be spotless when I return." Not sure how I'm going to swing this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 129

Call 'em now

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 02:01

Today, I had to tell my adult daughter that living in a pigsty house, breastfeeding when she can be bothered, changing a nappy only once a day, and leaving the baby at any relative's house while she shops is not adequate parenting, and unless she improves, I’m getting social services involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 429

You deserved it 179

Wrong enemy

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 08:00

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 841

You deserved it 200

America, **** yeah

By BrazilianGal - 12/08/2021 02:01

Today, a lady at the clothing store told me to, “Stop speaking 'Mexicano', this is America!” when I was talking on the phone. I actually speak Portuguese. When I pointed this out, she verbally tortured me and threatened to, “Call the cops” if I didn’t leave her store for, “making her feel threatened.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 299

You deserved it 182

Think it through

By Anonymous - 14/05/2020 23:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 1 195

At this point, it's just self-sabotage

By Just be a man - 10/10/2025 00:00

Today, I find video games very unattractive and unmanly. I told a great guy that he had to choose between me and his video games, and he immediately told me he chose video games, then asked me to leave. Whatever, loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 1 702

Played a blinder

By hereforfmls - 26/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Jasper

Today, I felt something hit my eye as I was riding on my bike. My glasses ended up falling off. I looked for them for ten minutes before giving up. I ran over them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 610

You deserved it 428

Oh, hai Mark

By sucky sucky - 07/07/2020 14:01

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 1 914

By thatwasembarrassing - 04/09/2018 15:00

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 322

You deserved it 468

By Well then - 10/09/2018 03:30

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 328

You deserved it 238

A real ******

By never again - 30/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 409

You deserved it 767

Great date

By okthen - 10/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years… by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 1 781

By crosscountryfatigue - 19/09/2018 12:00

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings, and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 601

You deserved it 388

Sounds like a sitcom

By Anonymous - 08/02/2023 16:00

Today, I had to warn the decorator we hired to stop being inappropriate with my wife or I’d fire his ass. Turns out not only is he gay, like super gay with his husband on Facebook, he’s also my wife’s old college buddy. He started crying on our sofa and my wife hit me with her handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 1 745

Wrap it

By Anonymous - 27/02/2023 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I’m 16 years-old, father to a 4 month-old baby, and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 1 684

Shut up, bitch!

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 19:59

Today, I went to see Ghostbusters: Afterlife. A family talked through the whole movie, phones on, watching YouTube videos, totally interrupting the experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 167

Nice guys

By Anonymous - 09/01/2022 05:01

Today, my stepson punched a girl because she wouldn’t accept his apology about punching her last week, when she wouldn’t lend him her pen. At this point I’m convinced he will one day go to prison for murder during a bar brawl or wife beating, since he has a temper and only seems to hit girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 305

You deserved it 265

Hello?

By Kait - 19/06/2019 08:07 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 056

You deserved it 197

Weird questions

By Lola Smith - 03/11/2020 11:02

Today, a customer asked me if we serve spaghetti. She then asked for a manager because I was giving her a weird look, laughing softly when telling her yes, and apparently making her feel stupid. My manager wrote me up. I work at the Old Spaghetti Factory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 222

I'm horny, horny horny horny…

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 11:01

Today, my husband chose to masturbate. I'm not getting laid for the forth night in a row, because initiating sex is too hard for him. Just once, I want to not have to initiate or flat out beg for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 293

Are you sure you're OK?

By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 2 088

By Pixie - 15/02/2017 03:00 - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 907

You deserved it 545

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The Top

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 274

You deserved it 5 160

Today, I found out I can retire early with a decent pension. My nephew, who I haven't heard from for 10 years, suddenly got in touch to ask how I am and to say how much he has missed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536

You deserved it 97

Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 456

You deserved it 3 837

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 765

You deserved it 1 569

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 631

You deserved it 6 161

Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 683

You deserved it 44 187