The Top

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The pandemic is far from over

By Nico - 01/08/2021 01:01

Today, I have a friend who has consumed almost every known drug in our country, but refuses to get the Covid vaccine, claiming that, "it contains the 5G, and I won't let them control me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 185

Keep fit!

By anonymous - 13/04/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 1 700

Late stage capitalism

By Stupidtechnology - 29/10/2022 10:00

Today, being poor and starving, I stole a chick’s iPhone while she wasn’t looking. Turns out, she has a feature on her Apple Watch that can track the iPhone and make it go off, even if it’s on silent mode. I had to pretend I just found it and was looking for the owner so I didn’t look like a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 2 510

Money first

By Anonymus - 31/01/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 336

Gifts for the whole family

By don’tletthembite - 04/05/2020 02:00

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 760

You deserved it 158

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 08/05/2020 20:00

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 411

You deserved it 231

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 05:01

Today, I got a gift from my wife. It was a beautiful watch. The same exact watch I'd sold to our local jewelers for 6k. She bought it for 10k. When I told her, she said, "Hmmm, I thought it looked familiar." There goes 4K from our joint account. I could’ve thought of 4000 ways to spend that money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 690

The ruling class wins again

By jcrb - 03/09/2021 10:59

Today, someone had been stealing my brownie at work every day, so I sprinkled cocolax on one and waited to find out who the culprit was. Turns out it was my manager. Needless to say, I'm fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 191

Mom of the year

By lana - 28/09/2021 21:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I was feeling suicidal and needed to talk to someone about it, so I called up the only person in the world who cares about me: my mom. Or so I thought. Her immediate response was, “You should go ahead and end it.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 743

You deserved it 149

Call of the wild

By apeshit94 - 23/07/2020 08:03

Today, my husband accused me of cheating. What was I doing? Outside smoking a cigarette and getting caught peeing outside by my neighbor, because I was too drunk to realize I wasn’t in my bathroom on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 2 647

WintressSoldier37 tells us more.

WintressSoldier37 27

Thursday 23 July 2020 5:18

Hi! OP here. Just to clarify I’m not an alcoholic. Thanks for worrying there. Actually I just drank too much a few months after my mother in law, 14 year old dog and Aunt passed away. Just trying to take the edge off, I way overdid it. And my husband is grieving as well so I don’t blame him for jumping to conclusions, as I was outside for two hours chain smoking.

DIY

By Anonymous - 14/01/2023 20:00 - United States - Freeland

Spicy

Today, thinking maybe she could spare 5 minutes of her time and requires no work at all, I asked my wife for a handjob. She said no and told me I can “do it yourself.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 487

You deserved it 1 471

Noisy lover

By Foxy17 - 05/08/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 780

You deserved it 167

Love thy neighbour

By Anonymous - 07/02/2023 10:00

Today, I found out that I have moved next door to a guy from my school, with whom I've had a arguments with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 174

Weird accusation, lady

By wrong state for that shit - 22/08/2020 04:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 629

You deserved it 147

And they same romance is dead…

By celticschick - 31/08/2020 16:59

Spicy

Today, I had an important staff meeting via Zoom. My boyfriend got home from work, walked through the door and shouted, "BABE! I'M READY TO GET MY D*** SUCKED!" I wasn't on mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 482

You deserved it 458

Empathy

By m0r0n - 24/09/2020 01:17 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I started crying at work because I talked to a patient who lost his wife. They were together for 64 years, I can't even get a guy to look at me for 64 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 902

You deserved it 347

m0r0n tells us more.

m0r0n 9

Wednesday 23 September 2020 21:46

My first FML ever published, thank you! I did have extreme empathy for the patient, I held his hand and told him how sorry I was. I had recently been divorced after leaving a 17 year marriage, to an alcoholic, only to be diagnosed with breast cancer a few months after. I don't think I'm unattractive, I just seem to get the wrong kind of attraction. Fast forward, I am now cancer free and maybe someday I'll find that special someone. Thanks for your votes and comments!

Body issues

By Anonymous - 01/12/2021 10:59

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 344

Who's there?

By messy jessy - 07/09/2020 11:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 1 762

By yesikilledit - 20/11/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 370

You deserved it 341

It's the new craze!

By Peggy Peggerson - 09/10/2020 02:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 517

Nothing honey, nothing

By Anemity_is_my_name - 05/11/2020 05:02

Spicy

Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 240

By Anonymous - 01/08/2019 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 510

You deserved it 226

You learn something new every day

By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and can't get medication to fix this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 571

You deserved it 813

Size Queen

By Jenson - 17/11/2020 19:05 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I found out that being a good boyfriend who financially supports his girlfriend through university, has a good relationship with her family and even put myself at risk to care for her through a COVID infection, doesn’t matter because she prefers the guy she cheated with who has a bigger knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 995

You deserved it 196

Alexa, play "Australia" by Manic Street Preachers

By Anonymous - 27/04/2023 15:00

Today, I was offered an incredible career opportunity in Australia, so I’d have to emigrate. It has an unbelievable pay rise too, but my husband has so many phobias of spiders, snakes, and so on, that he’s threatening to divorce me if I go, because he isn’t setting foot in Australia even to visit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 176

By Samantha35 - 28/01/2019 20:00

Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip it up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turned around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 626

You deserved it 303

Classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 11:01

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 212

You deserved it 147

Sorry little buddy

By Anonymous - 12/04/2022 06:00

Spicy

Today, during quite vigorous unprotected sex with my partner, I got a bit over-excited and on the pullout, my ejaculate shot from me, across my partner, and hit the dog who had decided to jump on the bed. My partner found it hilarious; I feel like I'm going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 510

You deserved it 589

Dexter? Is that you?

By Anonymous - 03/03/2022 18:00

Today, I apparently didn’t teach my son the difference between defending himself from bullies and knocking out the bully's teeth, breaking his nose, cracking his ribs, and grinding his fingers under his boot until the bone splintered. Yes, the cops are involved and my ex-wife blames me, of course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 292

Parenting is tricky

By Anonymous - 11/06/2023 22:00

Today, I have a friend who forbids their kid from any sort of social media, internet, or way to communicate. Other than school, they have no social life. Yet, they seem happy and like life is amazing. My kid has all of it and I thought I was just being a good parent, but they are depressed as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 365

You deserved it 945

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I wanted to look clever during a work meeting, so I used a thesaurus to find a fancy word for “important.” I ended up calling a project "pivotal" but mispronounced it as "pee-votal" in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 657

Now that's a rough day!

I agree, your life sucks 315

You deserved it 196

Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 746

You deserved it 1 600

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 124

You deserved it 3 549

Today, I realized this virus pandemic lockdown had no effect on my love life as I spent another free night cutting 1/4 inch thick calluses off my feet, as I have done before all this happened two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 648

You deserved it 179

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 600

You deserved it 4 167