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Ask first, snoop later

By Jenna Berreth - 07/10/2019 16:00

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 3 213

It's not you it's me

By mei - 02/06/2021 02:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out I’m a firstborn. My last boyfriend broke up with me because my hair blows in my face when the car window is down, and the one before that broke up with me because I only sleep with one pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 538

You deserved it 222

Strange behavior

By Soconfused - 30/08/2022 14:00

Today, I once again confronted my boyfriend about tagging the girl he told me not to worry about in boyfriend/girlfriend memes on Facebook instead of me. He told me I was overreacting and, “it’s just social media!” He told me he’ll dump me if I bring it up again. We’ve been together for a year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 456

Lumpy

By Anonymous - 16/05/2018 15:00

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 881

You deserved it 524

Naughty boy

By tenniemo - 11/06/2018 17:39 - United States - Green Valley

Today, I’m pet-sitting for my parents while they’re on vacation. So far, one cat has projectile vomited all over the living room, and another has pooped in their bed. Twice. My parents were not concerned when I called, and said this is normal behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 856

You deserved it 296

By Confused lesbian - 16/07/2018 13:30 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 512

You deserved it 311

By sexaddict - 07/01/2009 08:16 - France

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I lost my virginity and I've already had sex with 3 guys. I think I'm a nympho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 019

You deserved it 81 154

By Anonymous - 24/09/2018 05:00

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw three envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 644

You deserved it 411

Touched for the very first time

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 18:00

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 438

You deserved it 381

Out of control

By Detroitman125 - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple of times after school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 111

You deserved it 340

By weezie757 - 28/11/2018 11:30 - Canada

Today, it only took 25 minutes of working before I was covered in old man pee. I think that's a new personal best. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 411

You deserved it 177

My new friend

By *sneeze* - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, it's my wife's birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I'm allergic to dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 522

You deserved it 599

By ShouldveStayedAVirgin - 13/01/2016 18:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 957

You deserved it 7 102

By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/02/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 351

You deserved it 211

Such a helpful kitty!

By Preggers - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my cat has taken it upon herself to provide for the heavily pregnant lady. So far I've been presented with a mouse and 3 birds. I know they're for me because she meows until I see them, then walks away again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 840

You deserved it 860

By Anonymous - 26/04/2019 18:00

Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 254

You deserved it 338

By L'hommeCultivé - 07/05/2015 06:59 - China - Beijing

Today, I was visiting a magnificent Taoïst Temple in China all while eating an apple. After few galleries, I got to the giant statue in the center of the temple where people were praying. I saw a trash can so I threw my apple away. When I saw everyone giving me the death stare, I figured out that it was the donations box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 506

By Anonymous - 19/04/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, I don't know what's worse, the fact that my hair sheds so much, or the fact that I find most of it in my butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 260

You deserved it 432

Confused

By caseyl - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I was talking to a friend about the US presidential election and mentioned the UK. She got really confused and told me she'd always thought they were the same country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 321

You deserved it 731

caseyl tells us more.

caseyl 18

Saturday 10 December 2016 20:45

Finland. Can't blame the education, my friend is the kind that chooses to forget everything after passing the exams...

Knockout

By hwat? - 09/05/2022 20:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when she revealed her underwear: boxer shorts. She said she wears them because they’re the only underwear that doesn’t ride up her ass crack. Completely killed the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 405

You deserved it 5 003

By Anonymous - 04/06/2017 00:00

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 784

You deserved it 382

Creepy but mysterious

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 701

You deserved it 342

By sevenshotmovie - 21/09/2017 07:00 - United States - Sheffield

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 131

You deserved it 541

By shrek - 29/08/2016 10:26 - United States - Chattanooga

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 435

You deserved it 2 089

By meh - 17/01/2018 09:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 011

You deserved it 4 900

By 3rdWheel1stBorn - 23/03/2018 19:00

Today, I saw that my biological father took his two favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 701

You deserved it 274

By Anonymous - 24/04/2018 03:44

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple that their “vibrator will go off when a table is available.” I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 924

You deserved it 1 005

Birthday blues

By omaha24 - 29/04/2020 02:00

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 576

By newbornphotog - 03/05/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 829

You deserved it 2 148

By She totally did not cheat - 15/08/2018 22:00

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 370

You deserved it 297

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The Top

Today, I woke up hungover and with the lovely surprise of my monthly cycle. Now I’m at work, sitting with a blaring faulty fire alarm that I have no way to turn off. Everyone who can fix it is on holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 362

You deserved it 149

Today, I went out for drinks for the first since I stopped breastfeeding. I underestimated how low my tolerance had become and how strong the drinks were. My husband was stopped by two bouncers while trying to carry me to the car. They thought he'd drugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 269

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 470

You deserved it 2 489

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 071

You deserved it 2 720

Today, I went on a blind date with a girl. I was trying to be funny and joked, "I've never been on a blind date because I was afraid my date would be blind." She started crying because she's visually impaired and had just built up the courage to start dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 412

You deserved it 4 722

Today, my boyfriend yet again bought paper towels instead of toilet paper. I screamed myself hoarse at him, and told him to go get some toilet paper before I killed us both. He came back with coffee filters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 848