Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the same store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML
Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML
Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her, "If I want to have sex, I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you get married." She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML
Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML
Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML
Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML
Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML
Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML
Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML
Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML
Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML
Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML
Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML
Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
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