Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by sending me a Bumper Sticker on Facebook that said "Bitch, let's get married". FML
Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted, "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML
Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML
Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML
Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML
Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to take a video of his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML
Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML
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