Spicy

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 18/04/2020 08:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 117

You deserved it 380

Dumbasses

By stay in there - 17/04/2020 23:00

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 297

You deserved it 320

Played yourself

By nano123 - 17/04/2020 08:00

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 576

Stuck in a rut

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 20:00

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 171

You deserved it 343

Deal or no Deal

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 02:00

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 015

You deserved it 2 132

Nervous nelly

By Anonymous - 15/04/2020 05:00

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 643

You deserved it 379

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 08:00

Today, I shoved my tits in my boyfriend's face, but he chose to continue playing Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 998

You deserved it 941

Cold-blooded old times

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 02:00

Today, going through my dead grandma's papers, we found old faded photos. I showed them to my mum, who screamed in shock. They were grandma and granddad's erotic photos from about seventy years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 887

You deserved it 381

Keep fit!

By anonymous - 13/04/2020 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 1 695

Buzzing the tower

By Princess ? - 12/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was taking a shower when my husband suddenly came in naked. I thought we were gonna have some fun, and so tried to be sexy. He took a quick shower and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 198

You deserved it 296

Good job!

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 20:00

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 594

Missed opportunities

By say what?! - 10/04/2020 08:00

Today, I got a text from a female friend saying, "So bored, come over, let's fuck.” Knowing her sense of humor, I laughed it off and sarcastically replied, "On my way!” About an hour later, I got a message from her husband asking what was taking me so long. They really wanted a threesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 528

Acting is hard work

By S. Dub - 10/04/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 982

You deserved it 315

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Lennie Mcfish - 09/04/2020 14:00

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while drunk, but since she was under the influence, I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 870

You deserved it 461

A heads up next time maybe?

By Bob - 07/04/2020 02:00

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 722

You deserved it 1 031

Outdoorsy romance

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 17:00

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 718

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

By DearLord - 03/04/2020 23:00 - Canada

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 095

You deserved it 187

Not so special

By Anonymous - 03/04/2020 08:00

Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 192

You deserved it 448

Red Right Hand

By Hollerz90 - 02/04/2020 23:00

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 245

You deserved it 211

Miscommunication

By xoxo - 01/04/2020 02:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 425

Weeks?

By not getting any - 31/03/2020 08:00

Today, I’m allergic to all forms of hormonal birth control, and due to the virus outbreak, I can’t get my implant replaced. We’re in quarantine, and my boyfriend and I just used our last condom. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 924

You deserved it 572

Not that handy

By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/03/2020 02:00

Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 1 960

Nice way to go, really

By motorboatofdoom - 30/03/2020 05:00

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 221

You deserved it 310

True romantic

By Anonymous - 28/03/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 233

You deserved it 381

Words don't come easy

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 17:00

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 766

You deserved it 286

Poor Henry

By SierraCheyenne - 26/03/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 160

You deserved it 552

Small comforts

By Anonymous - 22/03/2020 22:36

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend admitted to having an affair. To comfort me, he said, "But you have bigger boobs, so you have nothing to worry about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 740

You deserved it 196

Eternally romantic

By singledumbfuck - 22/03/2020 03:30

Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 545

You deserved it 192

We're up all night to not get some

By Anonymous - 21/03/2020 03:00

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 986

You deserved it 554

That escalated badly

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 09:03

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 389

You deserved it 413

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I'm 22 year-old woman, and my entire family thinks something is wrong with me because I've never been in a relationship. I'm starting to believe them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 166

Today, I told my friend that I don't like spending time around one of her other friends. He's a hardcore Trumpist, who goes out of his way to make people uncomfortable, and be as cruel as possible at every opportunity. She uninvited me from our weekly game nights, because, "He's lonely and depressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 379

Today, I took my 6-year-old son to visit his grandmother, as the doctors say she only has days left to live. Minutes after we arrived, he leaned in close and told her that she's going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 122

You deserved it 3 514

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 828

You deserved it 532

Today, my 5-year-old got carsick and lost his breakfast all over himself and the back seat. When I got home to clean him off and clean out the car, I discovered that construction workers hit a main water line while working on road expansion at the front of my neighborhood. We won’t have running water until 4 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 117

Today, I'd been saving for months to go on a whiskey tour of Kentucky. Eight distilleries. My wife signed up for an online university. The tuition is covered. But, do you know what isn't covered? The books. The laptop. Getting internet for the house. Goodbye whiskey; hello university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 978