Spicy

Set up, punchline

By Anonymous - 28/11/2021 10:59

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 199

Anticlimax

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 22:01 - United States - Odenville

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 326

Dating sucks

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 19:59

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 436

You deserved it 489

Perfectly reasonable

By Anonymous - 25/11/2021 20:01

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 956

You deserved it 2 622

Redhanded

By Anonymous - 23/11/2021 06:00 - Philippines - Roxas

Today, my mom came in my bedroom without knocking, even though I'd told her to, and caught me masturbating. She stood there in awkward silence before saying, "…Dinner's ready at 6." and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 464

In the doghouse

By Anonymous - 22/11/2021 11:01

Today, in the middle of oral sex, I got a cramp in my tongue. Yes, it's a thing that can happen. My wife didn’t believe me, and since I’d already gotten a blowjob from her, she accused me of being lazy, selfish and no good at sex. This led to a huge argument and I’m now sleeping in my truck outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 681

You deserved it 348

Good job

By Anonymous - 21/11/2021 17:01

Today, I paid a hooker for a handjob, not because I was horny but because I’m single with no friends or relatives, and still working from home. It’s been so long since I’ve had human contact outside of work emails, it was nice to be able to talk to a human being for a few minutes in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 368

Ace in the hole

By IHaveThePower - 19/11/2021 11:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out the test for a yeast infection is a vaginal exam. I've never had a deeper understanding of my own asexuality than in the moment a stranger, with another stranger as a chaperone, was poking at my intimate parts while I couldn't see what was going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 275

Deez nuts

By Jeremy - 18/11/2021 18:59 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I had the vasectomy my wife wanted. We're living 700 miles apart due to work, so any immediate benefit is not so immediate. Worse, I didn't even get a good luck message before the premiere of the Nutcracker Prince. Now, time for Netflix and no chill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 436

Gamers don't rise up

By Anonymous - 17/11/2021 23:00 - United States

Today, a guy I like invited me to play video games. Naked. He asked me to show up naked too. I did. He was too busy in a video game raid to even notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 331

You deserved it 406

Exhausted

By snoozes - 16/11/2021 11:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I have officially become that couple that has to schedule sex. Between his working, my going back to school, raising kids, doing housework and homework, we just haven’t had time. Last night we tried to be spontaneous and get it on. We both fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 258

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 16/11/2021 05:00

Today, my husband waited until our honeymoon to reveal his scat fetish, because he didn’t want me to think he was too weird to marry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 178

Home alone

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 17:00

Today, I was in the bathroom taking a massive dump, with the door closed, moaning and yelling to get it out, knowing I was home alone. When it was done, I walked out to see my mother on the couch, who said, "I know masturbation is normal, but please try to do it while we're not here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 1 427

Misunderstood

By Anonymous - 14/11/2021 17:00

Today, my Tinder date seemed annoyed that my offer of dinner at my house really was an offer of dinner, not easy sex. Apparently, acting like a real woman with a mind and feelings, as opposed to a hole for his penis to temporarily inhabit, completely ruined his night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 940

You deserved it 500

I have sex

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 23:00 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I had a threesome with two girls. We'd hashed everything out and decided it would just be a one time thing, no attachments. It was great, but afterwards they both got mad at me for not trying to date one of them, and then accused me of wanting the other friend more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 1 837

Doing it on the company dime

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 17:00

Today, at work, I hooked up with a gorgeous customer in a storage shed. Somehow all my coworkers knew within five minutes, so there’s that, but my direct manager now won’t even look at me because apparently he fancied me himself, but didn’t realise I was a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 1 686

Rollercoaster

By thathoe - 12/11/2021 19:00 - United States - Cloquet

Today, I found I’m pregnant. I hooked up with my ex when my now boyfriend and I had broken up for a week. My ex doesn’t want kids. It’s most likely my ex's kid. My boyfriend has now proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 2 904

So you had a bad date…

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 14:00

Today, I got a wax to be sexy for my date, but the whole area came up in this nasty rash with bumps and white spots, nasty as hell. When I told him sex was off the table for a few days, he stopped being charming, spent most of the night on his phone then left early with a bad excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 296

Ghosted

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave up on Grindr because every time someone finally sees my picture, they ghost me. Either I’m really ugly, or most of the world hates black guys, either way… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 263

Tough one

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 05:00

Today, after I recently jabbed in the spine by a nail, cracking the bone and causing some spinal cord damage, I can now still walk, but I'm now incapable of getting an erection, potentially forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 106

A rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 10/11/2021 19:59

Today, despite being on the pill and always using condoms, I'm pregnant. I told my boyfriend I want to keep it, hoping he wanted to keep it too. He told me he hopes I enjoy being a single parent, because he absolutely does not want it, but knows I’ll never get an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 670

You deserved it 628

Bad timing

By Mel - 10/11/2021 05:00

Today, I'm in the same city as my boyfriend for the first time in two months. My body apparently did not like the idea of me having sex again, as I promptly got a UTI and then the week-long breakthrough bleeding that antibiotics often cause me. The same thing happened the week before he had to move, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 190

Caught in 4K

By Anonymous - 09/11/2021 17:00

Today, my wife and I were looking online at the house her piano teacher is selling. When she said, "Oh the bedroom looks much larger with the furniture gone," a long awkward silence followed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 495

You deserved it 204

Shopping fun

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 22:59

Today, my boyfriend talked me into wearing vibrating underwear in public and of course we bumped into my mom shopping, and of course he chose that moment to turn them on with the remote. The vibrating was way louder than we were expecting, and my mom just walked away shaking her head at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 2 612

The chop

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 05:01

Today, I got a serious infection following a medically necessary circumcision, and my doctor told me they will probably have to remove even more of the skin where the infection is particularly aggressive. My knob is gonna look like Freddy Krueger's face on a bad day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 748

You deserved it 152

Inappropriate question

By Anonymous - 07/11/2021 13:59

Today, my new boyfriend asked to know the penis size of every other guy I’ve been with. There are a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 943

Don't hate the player

By JARRD - 05/11/2021 17:00

Today, what was supposed to be a confession of feelings and a 'one night stand, never talk about this again' with my best friend of 13 years turned out to be a positive pregnancy test from her. My wife is not gonna be happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 4 354

Disappointing

By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 05/11/2021 09:00 - United States - Morgantown

Today, I realized that just because he danced with you, groped you, and told you he wants to sleep with you, doesn't mean that he likes you and won't leave you on "delivered" for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 591

That's so hot

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 21:00 - Australia - Bundoora

Today, I discovered that I was the catalyst for my best friend's and ex's relationship. Apparently, still being in love with him added crazy heat to their sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 151

Not fair

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 17:00

Today, my boyfriend is quite capable of getting an erection. He gets one when we watch porn, when I talk dirty to him and do handjobs or blowjobs, but the moment I get naked for the main event, he goes as soft as a boiled noodle. I haven’t been properly shagged in 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 294

You deserved it 341

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 339

Today, after I finally got up the courage to talk to the girl I'd been crushing on for years, we've got super close over a few weeks. Her best friend, who I'm kinda friends with, texted me, confessing that she likes me. Now the first girl won't talk to me for the sake of her best friend, who I'm not interested in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 87

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 348

You deserved it 1 788

Today, I quit my job, mainly because I didn't work enough hours and thus, earn enough money. In the past, they said there isn't any other paid work they could provide. They've now added different tasks, more money, and more hours to the position. I'm helping to find a replacement for a job I would otherwise apply to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 175

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor, then followed up with, "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 421

You deserved it 396

Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 004

You deserved it 4 140