Spicy

Check this out

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 12:00

Today, I’ve been getting a lot of strange messages from guys on the dating site I use, then I realised why: on my profile pic I'm sat down and you can see my nice underwear up my skirt. That explains the messages, they thought I was trolling for men to hump and dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 1 024

Physical reaction

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 02:00

Today, I woke up from surgery with nurses all giggling at me. I asked them what was wrong, and apparently I’m now famous as the guy who kept getting boners every 10 minutes, until finally the surgeon used surgical tape to stick it to my thigh to keep it out out of his way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 157

You deserved it 228

Bumpy ride

By jojolee68 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 457

You deserved it 2 879

Twang

By Anonymous - 14/04/2022 02:00

Today, I snapped my banjo string while vigorously masturbating. I was so ashamed, I told the doctor I did it during sex, but I could tell they didn’t believe me. I want to curl up and die but that hurts my stitches, so I guess I’ll have to lie flat on my back and die instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 1 499

I'm not making shit up, I swear

By Anonymous - 13/04/2022 22:00

Today, I'm waiting to be examined thanks to a clitoral abscess. It burst yesterday and has now shrunk to nothing, so the doctor will probably dismiss me again. This is the eighth time in five months, and no one will take me seriously. I'm in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 393

You deserved it 143

TMI mom!

By Anonymous - 13/04/2022 16:00

Today, my drunk mom informed me that out of all my potential brothers and sisters she’s swallowed over the years she’s "glad" I’m the one she "accidentally drooled onto her crotch, swam up her fanny and invaded" her "virgin egg." This kind of shit is why I moved out at 16 and still have a therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 588

You deserved it 155

Freud intensifies

By Anonymous - 13/04/2022 12:00

Today, I’ve been writing a novel, so I had my brother read it. He pointed out that the heroine's lover, who she hates most of the time but has hot nasty sex with, pretty much describes our dad. I based the heroine on me, so now I want to be sick every time I read the sex scenes I wrote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 551

What what?

By Anonymous - 12/04/2022 16:00

Today, my boyfriend stuck his finger in my butt and I liked it, but I can’t ever tell him that or he’ll get that smug look on his face like, “I told you so, let’s have anal now.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 1 498

Sorry little buddy

By Anonymous - 12/04/2022 06:00

Today, during quite vigorous unprotected sex with my partner, I got a bit over-excited and on the pullout, my ejaculate shot from me, across my partner, and hit the dog who had decided to jump on the bed. My partner found it hilarious; I feel like I'm going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 506

You deserved it 587

Momma's gotta have it

By Anonymous - 11/04/2022 04:00

Today, after giving birth, my wife was put on the sex ban until she heals. The thing is she has a high sex drive and is now horny, cranky, while also post surgery and also breastfeeding. I try to sexually satisfy her in other ways, but she's a nightmare to be with until we can have full sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 422

It doesn't

By Anonymous - 10/04/2022 14:00

Today, my girlfriend and I have literally had our genitals in each other’s mouths and tongues in each other’s ass cracks, yet when I used her toothbrush, I’m gross and nasty, and deserve a sex ban for two weeks. How does this make sense? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 1 014

Mood ruined

By InterestingReaction - 10/04/2022 04:00

Today, it was mine and my girlfriend's two-year anniversary. Back in my room, I decided to get sexy for her by opening the bathroom door, dropping my bath towel, and slowly approaching the bed in the buff. I tripped over my feet and fell flat on my face twice while doing so, which she hysterically laughed at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 542

He gets around

By Anonymous - 09/04/2022 00:00

Today, I did an actual double take when my son complained about having to block the phone number of his most recent one-night stand when she got pregnant, but luckily he gave her a fake name, so he doesn’t have to delete his Facebook. How many grandkids do I have out there you little prick? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 599

You deserved it 656

Nice try, loverboy

By Gina - 08/04/2022 22:00

Today, my date cried because his mom recently died. Of course, I was sympathetic because I'm a nice person, but he tried to leverage my sympathy into a blowjob in the restaurant toilet. Since we "obviously weren't going to work as a real couple", it was apparently "the least I could do to make him feel better." Creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 471

You deserved it 207

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 08/04/2022 05:00 - United Kingdom - Port Talbot

Today, I found out that the girl who I'm really into, and hoped to have a longer term relationship with, has caught threadworms, herpes, and COVID-19 from me. One way to get friendzoned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 266

You deserved it 2 363

Friends

By TheEpicWario - 07/04/2022 06:00

Today, my best friend confronted his girlfriend and I due to rumors of the two of us sleeping together. We had to spend half an hour explaining to him that when we "smash", it's the two of us playing Smash Brothers together at her place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 280

You deserved it 780

Married life

By Anonymous - 06/04/2022 12:00

Today, my husband threw an anger fit and left home after a fight. I only said that maybe he's not that interested in sex after marriage. Why? In the 5 years of our marriage, he has initiated sex exactly 0 times, while during courtship it was numerous times during the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 281

You deserved it 171

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 06/04/2022 00:01

Today, I found out my younger sister is too cheap to buy her own sex toys, so she has been borrowing mine. I clean mine thoroughly after use but apparently she just puts them back in the box after she’s done, while they’re still wet. Not gonna lie, I threw up a little after she'd admitted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 260

You deserved it 219

Dr Pimple Popper

By Anonymous - 04/04/2022 22:00

Today, a doctor squeezed so much cheese out of a huge lump on my nutsack, for a second I was convinced he’d poked a hole in my bollock and was squeezing out my baby-making juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 435

A little higher, dude

By Anonymous - 04/04/2022 14:00

Today, I was laying in bed with my boyfriend. He started caressing me, his eyes were closed, and he said, “I love touching your boobs.” Which was actually a roll of fat on my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 102

You deserved it 535

Tasty

By Emily Salt - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 025

You deserved it 25 675

O'Reilly

By still can’t get any - 04/04/2022 06:00

Today, I’m convinced my son has some sort of radar. Literally every time my partner and I try to have sex, he wakes up and interrupts us. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but the fact that it’s happened at 12am, 12pm, 6am and 3pm tells me otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 437

You deserved it 239

How could you?

By Horndog - 02/04/2022 18:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, a female friend, who I'm mildly into, was crying into my arms about how tough things have been for her. I'm so touch-starved that I got a boner as I hugged her. She noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 365

Thank you for your service

By Anonymous - 02/04/2022 12:00

Today, I caught my wife with my brother. I demanded a divorce and, out of desperation, she claimed she thought it was me because we’re twins. We might be twins, but we’re dissimilar enough it’s obvious which is fucking which, plus he has both hands, whereas I left one of mine behind in fucking Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 723

You deserved it 137

To do what?

By Anonymous - 02/04/2022 02:00 - Australia - Shailer Park

Today, I opened my boyfriend's bedside table drawer. There was a condom wrapper in there. We don't use condoms. He claims he didn’t have sex with anybody, he just wanted to put the condom over his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 208

Sexy times

By Anonymous - 01/04/2022 03:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend turned down sex so he could masturbate to his favourite Japanese cartoon porn. I was obviously horny but his compromise was to offer to watch it and masturbate together. I’m an adult damnit, I want sex, not pissing cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 353

Embrace your kink

By Anonymous - 31/03/2022 16:00

Today, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can only have sex with really fat men, because that’s what turns me on, yet as soon as the sex is over, through no fault of theirs, I have to run to the toilet to be sick because I can’t believe what I just had sex with. I’m so messed up in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 2 576

You wanker

By Anonymous - 30/03/2022 22:00

Today, I work for the police as a computer analyst. My dad, who thinks it’s only a real job if you come home covered in grease every day, still tells his friends my job is to sit in a dark room wanking on the internet all day. And he wonders why we barely speak anymore.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 168

At long last

By Lonile13 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Philippines

Today, after two years and five months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 015

You deserved it 6 100

Bullet control

By Anonymous - 28/03/2022 22:00

Today, after I was shot in the hip years ago and the doctors left the bullet inside, they damn well better remove the bullet now because over the last 10 years, it's moved enough to start compressing a nerve, so now my penis is numb to all sensation, and I can’t get a boner anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 969

You deserved it 163

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I ended up in the hospital for the fourth time since beginning of January due to kidney stones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 116

Today, I’m an intern and was given a pile of files. Do I have to process them? Nay! Simply remove all the staples with nothing but my nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 60

Today, I realized how invisible/forgettable I am. At work, I went to ask my supervisor what I was working on today. My supervisor admitted that he forgot I was working today. My supervisor is my brother. We drove to work together this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 901

You deserved it 3 366

Today, my boyfriend wrecked our car. Now I can't get to work in order to make the money we need to buy a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 615

You deserved it 4 669

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 849

You deserved it 4 256

Today, while talking on the phone with my long-distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected, he told me, "Well, you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 635

You deserved it 5 926