Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to pregame a formal with a 5th of whiskey. The...

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By Blackout - 22/04/2016 15:03 - United States - Stamford

Today, I decided to pregame a formal with a 5th of whiskey. The next thing I knew, I woke up, no phone or wallet, was just dumped, and my car was not where I left it. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, my smartwatch detected what it thought was a fall and called emergency services. What was I doing? Dramatically flopping on the couch to binge-watch five episodes of a dating show. Paramedics showed up while I was still clutching a bag of Cheetos. FML

agreeclassic 351

vote type 1 214

Today, I was making schnitzel at our kitchen so I had to get rid of all the oil. So I decided it would be best to put the hot pan on our porch so the oil would cool down and then I could get rid of it. Unfortunately the ground is sealed with tar, so the tar melted and now the pan is stuck to the ground. FML

agreeclassic 9 352

vote type 1 30 725

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

agreeclassic 13 495

vote type 1 1 393

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

agreeclassic 1 162

vote type 1 4 652

Today, I had to get an ultrasound, which required me to drink 3 glasses of water beforehand. The doctor said I had too much and told me to go pee out just a little and come back. It took a lot of effort to hold the rest in. The first thing she did when I got back was press on my abdomen. I peed myself. FML

agreeclassic 44 092

vote type 1 4 446

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

agreeclassic 19 426

vote type 1 88 800