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By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 14:45 - Norway

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 975

You deserved it 7 533

Downhill from here

By forewhatnow - 07/11/2009 08:47 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a really romantic dinner. Later, I lost my virginity. The chicken was better than he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 784

You deserved it 9 871

By jaquie0812 - 12/06/2014 16:37 - United States - Longview

Today, my two cats decided to have a brawl on top of me. I was just trying to get to sleep. Now I'm covered in scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 246

You deserved it 6 674

jaquie0812 tells us more.

jaquie0812 13

Friday 13 June 2014 6:31

To shed light on what happened. We found a kitten in the woods by our apartment and are currently fostering it till we can find a new home. (might keep it if my kitten will accept it) my kitten is not happy with this and has been swatting at the kitten. He was asleep with me in my room when the other kitten got in and since it is very affectionate he claimed right up which made pooter (my kitten) mad and attack. the scratches weren't that bad and they are both OK. Hopefully they start getting along soon. love the cat puns they are purrrfect.

We can see you

By crunknasty - 30/03/2013 05:19 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 077

You deserved it 62 068

Blackout

By stupiddrunk - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck, and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 164

You deserved it 39 844

Never say easy

By Anonymous - 25/06/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 445

You deserved it 53 519

By Disappointed - 04/10/2014 03:08

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying, "It's for my acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 825

You deserved it 5 135

By Guntherdog - 27/06/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 970

You deserved it 4 070

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 597

You deserved it 5 132

By Anonymous - 07/05/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 473

You deserved it 85 861

By Anonymous - 04/08/2011 23:19 - United States

Today, my landlord told me he is raising my rent next month. I thought he was kidding until he asked if I still wanted to live here. My landlord is also my live-in boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 199

You deserved it 3 984

By Uh-oh - 10/11/2009 12:33 - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 254

You deserved it 62 630

By Anonymous - 09/04/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a missed call from my dad, who hasn't talked to me in months and has vowed not to have anything to do with me. I called him back excitedly and apologized for missing his call, and we had a 20-second conversation about how his phone accidentally dialed my number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 182

You deserved it 3 560

By Banana_Lord - 26/05/2014 01:43 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I saw the script for the end of year assembly skit I'm forced to participate in. Looks like on my last day of high school, I'll be running around in a rainbow unicorn costume in front of my entire high school and their parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 436

You deserved it 5 734

Banana_Lord tells us more.

Banana_Lord 8

Monday 26 May 2014 21:57

Hi, OP here. I guess I should explain this a little better. On the last day of school, we have a big awards assembly and then hand out yearbooks at the end. Our yearbooks always have a theme and the people in charge do a little skit at the end of the assembly. Our theme this year is fairy tales, thus the unicorn costume (our mascot isn't a rainbow unicorn lol). I'm editor in chief so I can't just back out, and the other people involved are really excited about the skit, so I'd hurt their feelings if I told them how stupid I think it is. I ended up trying to get out of it by telling them I couldn't make it to the rehearsal, but they just switched my part to the narrator. Not quite what I was hoping for, but at least I don't have to do anything embarrassing. You guys' comments made me laugh, and for all the people who said they would love to dress up as a unicorn, to each their own I guess!

By InsideActress - 05/04/2009 19:11 - Canada

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to explain why we got the parts we did. He said he tried matching our characters to who we actually are. I play a whore who's a transvestite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 893

You deserved it 6 655

By catherine - 17/06/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 277

You deserved it 12 473

By wtf - 15/08/2010 12:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 360

You deserved it 2 909

By tehhotness - 27/03/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 866

You deserved it 6 806

Expensive noodles, dude

By fuckstudentloans - 18/06/2015 23:29 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 338

You deserved it 13 910

IDGAF!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, our school started an anti-bullying policy, and we watched a video about bullying. After the video, I told a teacher about a bullying case going on that I know about. His response? "Tell someone who cares!" as he walked away, chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 966

You deserved it 4 638

By Anonymous - 12/11/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 850

You deserved it 3 833

By Jon - 14/05/2012 21:46 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I went to a club with some friends. I ordered two drinks from the waitress and gave her a fifty. She never returned with the change, and the rest of the staff claimed they didn't know who I was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 732

You deserved it 6 243

Won't get fooled again

By Kamburgler - 02/07/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 413

You deserved it 5 733

By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - 12/04/2013 17:21 - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 020

You deserved it 5 881

Hello Goodbye

By jobless and broke - 29/07/2015 18:40 - United States - Mesa

Today, I got fired from my new job on my first day. Why? Because I'm 19 and company policy says you have to be 21. But they can't ask how old you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 148

You deserved it 2 455

House hunting

By ohboy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. Thirty minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 638

You deserved it 21 725

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 20:59 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 057

You deserved it 6 040

By Mizzaroo - 17/01/2013 06:38 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I was having a conversation with my mother during which I described something as being pungent. She thought I had made up the word, so I grabbed the dictionary to show her that I hadn't. She then became enraged, threw the dictionary at my head and told me never to talk to her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 902

You deserved it 3 634

Mizzaroo tells us more.

Mizzaroo 13

Thursday 17 January 2013 19:41

Actually, I was trying to show it wasn't a made up word. :)

By Anonymous - 28/04/2015 16:58 - United Kingdom - Exminster

Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 845

You deserved it 4 446

By CaitiieBuggs - 13/01/2013 07:22 - United States - Portland

Today, I was making wedding plans with my fiancé. His mother kept complaining about everything, and insisted it was pointless to plan because it's just our "first marriage." She then tried to convince him to dump me and move back in with her because "she's all he'll ever need." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 248

You deserved it 2 534

CaitiieBuggs tells us more.

CaitiieBuggs 23

Wednesday 12 February 2014 0:45

Op here to give a year later update: After my husband confronted her about the comments she tried to backtrack and do that whole "you misunderstood what I was saying" thing, although she said it pretty damn directly, like word for word. Wedding happened without anymore major problems from her, hubby's sister on the other hand is a different story. Mother in law has tried to convince us to move in with her a few times since, but we've kindly declined each time, but she'll bring it up every so often. She has the idea we're only together because I'm pregnant (which I'm not, but with her logic this is year 5 of my pregnancy) and my husband has called her out on that too, so for all of those wondering, he does defend and stand up for me, even if it takes a little push from my end:)I picked a good one. Hope that answers any questions people had:)