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Sorry, little dude

By dire-rear - 16/01/2010 20:19 - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 126

You deserved it 3 663

By apparently inexperienced - 11/09/2012 16:54 - United States - Brockton

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 810

You deserved it 6 513

By Orchard - 16/07/2013 17:25 - United States - Seminole

Today, I suddenly started having excruciating pain. My husband took me to the ER, where I waited for three hours in agony to be seen. By the time a doctor got to me, the pain had mostly gone, but it was found to be a kidney stone. I was told, "Next time, don't wait so long." Really? FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 715

You deserved it 3 045

Orchard tells us more.

Orchard 33

Wednesday 17 July 2013 0:48

Hi, this is the OP. I told them in triage with tears streaming down my face that I thought it was a kidney stone. I was in so much pain I could barely fill out the forms. There were only a couple of possibilities as to the source of pain to begin with since the pain was all down my left flank and upper left quadrant. I have medical training so I wasn't too shocked to find out it was a kidney stone. What was shocking was they thought I was faking to get a drug fix, put me on the back burner, then acted like it was somehow my fault for not being seen sooner so they could help manage the pain.

Kids these days…

By daughter - 05/08/2012 07:49 - United States - Kailua

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text, saying, "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 903

You deserved it 2 390

By laurencoc - 31/08/2015 22:50 - Australia - Perth

Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 005

You deserved it 5 147

By Anonymous - 27/03/2009 13:05 - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 015

You deserved it 93 253

By LoveBytes - 27/03/2012 21:29 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 683

You deserved it 44 195

By in pain - 15/03/2011 22:57

Today, I got into a bad car accident, where I got severe whiplash, swollen knees, and cuts everywhere. I called my boss to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it in and he fired me for being 'not dependable'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 522

You deserved it 3 673

By NoFriends - 02/08/2009 17:12 - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 985

You deserved it 7 553

By Anonymous - 08/10/2012 22:27 - Canada - Truro

Today, my friends dared me to answer the door naked for the pizza guy. I heard the doorbell but when I answered, it was the little boy from next door participating in a fundraiser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 744

You deserved it 40 662

By Anonymous - 21/08/2011 19:48 - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 599

You deserved it 3 416

By Anonymous - 08/10/2015 02:31 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 655

You deserved it 2 296

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 04:39 - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 613

You deserved it 4 066

By Anonymous - 17/06/2011 04:50 - Australia

Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 459

You deserved it 3 029

By j0hn - 23/02/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 038

You deserved it 17 544

By Pip - 23/02/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said her husband was going to divorce her for seeing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 957

You deserved it 6 719

By Anonymous - 11/02/2013 20:58 - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 068

You deserved it 3 853

By Dog_Lover - 18/12/2012 15:30 - Canada - Montreal

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 764

You deserved it 9 716

By birdguts - 31/01/2011 02:34 - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 013

You deserved it 5 267

By Laughluv - 02/01/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 819

You deserved it 36 880

By snitchovich - 27/05/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 885

You deserved it 6 049

Say it, don't spray it

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 033

You deserved it 115 270

Ouchies

By bucktooth - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 756

You deserved it 2 720

By sostupid - 10/10/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 835

You deserved it 51 196

By Anonymous - 17/08/2009 22:11 - Canada

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 837

You deserved it 22 698

By Anonymous - 23/02/2011 16:04 - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 625

You deserved it 5 941

By Anonymous - 20/09/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, my mom made me teach my delusional gran web browsing. I barely made it to YouTube before she sneered at me, and told me to "stop pissing about before I smash your face in." Two hours and multiple slaps later, she still doesn't get what a URL is, and I fear for my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 290

You deserved it 3 059

Happy birthday!

By sambo99 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. So far I have received: the news that my parents are divorcing, a dead bird and a pile of shit left on my bed (courtesy of the cat), a rash all over my face, and some slippers from my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 022

You deserved it 3 381

Up your game

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 598

You deserved it 12 099

Halloween red flag

By Teaching - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 406

You deserved it 4 602

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The Top

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 508

You deserved it 1 431

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 975

You deserved it 41 484

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 135

You deserved it 3 042

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 776

You deserved it 4 682

Today, I went into my Moms room to look for a t-shirt. I went into her drawer and behind all of her clothes was a cell phone. Not only did I not find the t-shirt, I also found out my Mom is cheating on my Dad with someone from work and now I have to pretend like I don't know. I work there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 983

You deserved it 5 585

Today, while we were exploring a building, my dad and I somehow got separated. After about 30 seconds, I found him on the other side of a door, so I went to go through what I thought was a door. Instead, I smashed my head on a windowpane and collapsed to the floor in pain in front of 5 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 216