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Nice bird

By Sick - 01/01/2020 01:00 - Netherlands - Ede

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 821

You deserved it 1 003

Jumping the gun

By Jenna - 12/10/2020 02:02

Today, my boyfriend of one week kissed my stomach and began speaking to our "baby." We haven't had sex yet. In fact, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 634

You deserved it 147

Secret sex

By anonymous - 01/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 806

You deserved it 466

Overly cautious

By Anonymous - 10/02/2022 22:00

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me until I get my tubes tied. We both agree that we don't want children, but this seems to be an exaggerated reaction since he learned that most birth controls are not 100% effective. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 290

Drama Queen

By sam - 11/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Denver

Today, my daughter lightly bumped her hand on a wall, cried and screamed for 5 minutes, vomited, then passed out. She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 123

You deserved it 284

Let me iiiiiiin

By Space†Witch - 03/01/2019 04:00

Today, I'm working a photography gig for a very prominent metal band. The doorman asked me for my I.D, which I happily obliged. I'm 27, however I look like I'm still in my mid to late teens. He will not let me in, even with my I.D, and the band who hired me won't answer their phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 150

You deserved it 212

Rookie mistake

By Anonymous - 02/03/2022 18:00

Today, I had to pay an exorbitant fee to get my drain unblocked. It turns out it was about a million condoms. My son just got his first serious girlfriend and apparently instead of throwing them in the bin, he flushes their used condoms down the toilet. I’m gonna kill him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 251

By Suzie - 18/02/2019 16:00

Today, the family posted my mother in law’s obituary. My husband was listed as a survivor, with no mention of me, while all the other spouses were named. Also listed as a survivor - his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 578

You deserved it 232

Che Guevara and Debussy to a disco beat

By Anonymous - 22/03/2022 22:00

Today, my son's school actually called me to complain that despite his excellent test scores, he spends too much time reading, and has a wilfully overactive imagination, so could I please get him to stop ''reading and imagining'' so much, as it makes him hard to teach. Are they taking the piss? They must be taking the piss, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 775

You deserved it 113

Real?

By Anonymous - 20/06/2026 09:00 - United States

Today, to my horror, I discovered I will owe child support for the kids my ex and I adopted together since she couldn't have any. I've met someone else and I'm planning on having real kids with her, but these payments will destroy everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 1 399

By Anonyme - 01/08/2015 04:51 - Japan - Iruma

Today, I’m on vacation in Japan. Hungry, I went to a restaurant. Looking at photos of the food, I selected a lovely looking bowl of rice with slices of squid. I was served some ice cream. With squid. On a unidentified white mousse. I’m still hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 132

Sorry

By Anonymous - 01/05/2019 18:00

Today, I finally got my forklift license after training for a week. Almost eight hours later, I lost my license by not lowering my forks, crashing into and destroying four overhead light fixtures which cost more than $500 in damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 3 041

Cliché

By MoaRcofuzed - 23/06/2023 12:00

Today, after 5 years of dating and not even so much as a hint of a ring on the horizon, I asked my boyfriend why he hasn’t proposed yet. His response was “Babe, I’m not gonna pay for the cow when I get the milk for free.” What does that even mean? FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 504

By Ana - 25/04/2017 21:00 - Brazil

Today, I called in my parents to look at pictures from my recent trip on my laptop. It wasn’t until after they left that I realized I had left a tab open with the title “20 Things You’ll Understand if You’ve Ever Had Anal Sex.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 295

You deserved it 2 598

Sudarsky's gas giant classification

By leah - 06/02/2021 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, despite not eating for a week, my digestive system is still overflowing with gas and I fart every 2 minutes. No medicines help, and the six doctors I’ve been to have not been able to find anything wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 109

By Eponine13 - 05/06/2019 22:00

Today, I thought it would be fun to climb a tree. My older sister also thought it would be fun to set the tree on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 974

You deserved it 189

By saracenslament - 22/11/2016 11:47

Today, my relationship with my family is so bad that when someone burst into my house without ringing the doorbell, my first assumption was, "Oh God I hope it's not my mum visiting!" rather than, "Oh God, it's a burglar!" It was actually my mother-in-law, and I was truly relieved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 738

You deserved it 962

By unefoispasdeux - 04/07/2017 21:00 - France - Paris

Today, I went out to a club with a friend who got her wallet stolen. Wanting to help her look for it, I left my purse with a different friend while I went back inside to look. She put my purse on the floor and it got stolen as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 408

You deserved it 1 902

By hannah - 26/06/2019 18:05

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 789

You deserved it 369

A like is a like, dude

By Anonymous - 04/06/2017 12:00

Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 338

You deserved it 587

By Tom - 06/06/2017 20:00 - United States - Antelope

Today, I went for my usual morning run. Halfway through, I needed to pee, so I found a perfect bush… to walk in on a lady who had also stopped to pee. I was called a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 521

You deserved it 467

By Anonymous - 13/01/2017 16:38

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 423

You deserved it 2 516

Wrap it up

By Anonymous - 03/09/2023 14:00

Today, the one time, THE ONE TIME, we ran out of condoms and had sex anyway, my girlfriend got pregnant, even though she’s on the pill. I didn’t even orgasm inside her, I had to do a Google search to learn that live sperm can emerge and go inside her even before I orgasm. We are so screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 280

You deserved it 924

Grateful

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 07:59

Today, it was sister’s birthday. I decided to give her money instead of a present, because I couldn’t come up with a gift idea. When she opened the envelope and took the $100 out, she looked at me and asked me if this was the best I could’ve done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 210

By now my watch begins - 31/07/2017 13:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 911

You deserved it 1 010

By Farmgirl - 04/10/2017 01:30

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 213

You deserved it 406

Are you OK?

By FUCKING IDIOT - 09/11/2023 04:00

Today, my boyfriend yet again bought paper towels instead of toilet paper. I screamed myself hoarse at him, and told him to go get some toilet paper before I killed us both. He came back with coffee filters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 855

Empathy lives

By Natasha9 - 22/05/2021 20:01

Today, my mom walked in on me crying in my room and yelled at me for being a "weak little crybaby." I’d just found out my best friend died in a car accident. When I told my mom that, she said, "Does it look like I fucking care?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 716

You deserved it 151

Comedy gold

By Landdownunder - 05/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 840

You deserved it 349

By Lindsey Taul - 23/12/2017 05:00 - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 239

You deserved it 309

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The Top

Today, I got a 'Good Morning' text from my boyfriend. Since I hadn't gotten one of those in a while, I thought it was rather nice. That is, until I saw the picture that accompanied it. It was of him, sitting on the toilet and taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 679

You deserved it 3 875

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 589

You deserved it 811

Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 495

Today, my stepfather decided he was no longer part of our family, and refused to come to family dinner, all because we're all women, and he isn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 109

Today my dad asked if he could walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I was just too speechless to respond. He asked me on my doorstep, at 2 a.m., which was also our first ever meeting since he abandoned my mom when she was 5 months pregnant with me, and just disappeared for 28 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 95

Today, I came home to shredded tissues all over the floor. I yelled at my dog, who looked guilty but confused. Turns out, it wasn’t him, it was my robot vacuum cleaner again. It had sucked up a bunch of tissues and napkins from under the couch and then spread them all over the place like confetti. I owe my dog an apology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 532