Animals and Health: Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that...

By Whyis Dremora - 30/09/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

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vote type 1 301

The rhythm of the fight
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Fear factor

By Anonymous - 04/05/2020 23:00

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

agreeclassic 1 759

vote type 1 193

Freakout

By DisgustingCreatures - 04/08/2016 18:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

agreeclassic 13 627

vote type 1 1 176

YAAAAAAAAAAAASS

By shat - 12/12/2015 07:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

agreeclassic 22 005

vote type 1 2 510

By no name - 22/02/2011 12:25

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

agreeclassic 52 989

vote type 1 4 787

By lingadoo - 07/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

agreeclassic 32 084

vote type 1 4 858

Night visitor

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 14:00 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML

agreeclassic 1 410

vote type 1 150

By all5fingers - 08/09/2011 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

agreeclassic 28 640

vote type 1 3 249

By jaqlove - 02/07/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

agreeclassic 14 041

vote type 1 2 647

By I_Has_A_Fishy - 10/07/2012 19:33 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

agreeclassic 31 706

vote type 1 3 463

By foxbrat - 11/10/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

agreeclassic 32 245

vote type 1 3 299

Leeono 26

Sunday 30 September 2018 22:17

Finally and answer to “what crawled up your butt?!”

donthatemebut 14

Sunday 30 September 2018 22:20

Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Comments

Charlie Given 26

Monday 1 October 2018 3:33

Well of ya killed it after then it was knock knock knocking on heaven's door 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

Monday 1 October 2018 7:45

a cockroach by you butthole...must be living up to its name

CozWhyNot 3

Monday 1 October 2018 13:51

It’s a **** after all..

Tarlachia 33

Monday 1 October 2018 15:41

Maybe it’s a trans-bug? It wants to be a Stinkbug!

blondie45 21

Tuesday 2 October 2018 6:53

Maybe he was looking for his dead turtle friend...

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Today, I found out that the amazing, funny guy who introduced me to FML, and who would laugh in band with me every day at FMLs, has died. In his honor, FML

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Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

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vote type 1 944

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

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vote type 1 3 072

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

agreeclassic 29 195

vote type 1 8 718

Today, my boyfriend and I realized how hard it is to get a good night's sleep next to each other when we both fell asleep watching John Wick. FML

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Today, my best friend called me and told me she was in the hospital in labor. Excited, I rush to the hospital. Once I arrived, I saw my boyfriend of 4 years in the room. I asked him what he was doing there and my friend says, “You wanna tell her or should I?” Turns out he’s leaving me for her. The baby is his. FML

agreeclassic 2 666