Love

You must be kidding

By Hurt - 30/12/2022 18:00

Today, my husband of 6 years told me he has a 5 year-old. In fact, she was conceived the night before our wedding. Apparently, the “one last time fuck as a single man” with his female bestie was too good of an opportunity to pass up. He doesn’t get why I’m not speaking to him. FML

agreeclassic 2 286

vote type 1 240

Power dynamic

By whole wheat or nothing - 30/12/2022 15:00

Today, my girlfriend viciously chewed me out for not taking a sandwich to work to save money. I don't have a problem with packing lunches, but the store-brand white bread she insists on buying is disgusting. She won't listen to me, and refuses to let me buy anything else. FML

agreeclassic 988

vote type 1 339

Sometimes loving is the hardest thing

By Anonymous - 30/12/2022 03:00 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I just had to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, who I've been friends with for the past 12 years. She chased me in high school and we dated before for almost 2 years, but now I finally see what I should have: She's still in love her ex, who abandoned her 5 years ago. I've been living in another man's shadow. FML

agreeclassic 1 002

vote type 1 139

What kind of sex are you having?

By Anonymous - 30/12/2022 00:00

Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML

agreeclassic 1 075

vote type 1 475

Slice of Freudian slip

By Myrin - 29/12/2022 18:00

Today, I was talking to my wife about the pie she'd made and she was really leaning on the need to be reassured, so I said, "It was real good Mom." FML

agreeclassic 592

vote type 1 355

My dad, the gold digger

By Anonymous - 29/12/2022 03:00

Today, I was telling my dad how I turned down some guy, but when I mentioned the guy's name my dad was like, “Oh, you mean the son of my old friend, studying computer engineering, genius, real future ahead of him, and you think you can do better than him? What’s wrong with you?” FML

agreeclassic 921

vote type 1 532

Do not attempt this at home

By PetiteLover - 28/12/2022 21:00

Today, I’m dating a petite girl, and I've had fantasies of picking her up and fucking her in midair. I attempted to try this fantasy last night. I'm now in the hospital with broken and bruised ribs and tailbone. FML

agreeclassic 405

vote type 1 1 658

Pipe down Mariah

By Confidenceruined - 28/12/2022 18:00

Today, we were at a friend’s birthday party and it was time to sing Happy Birthday. My crush was there. Wanting to impress him, I started out-singing everyone with runs and riffs. Someone said, “It’s just Happy Birthday, it’s not that serious, wannabe American Idol.” Everyone, including him, laughed. FML

agreeclassic 265

vote type 1 2 364

Everything everywhere all at one

By My life is a mess - 27/12/2022 09:00

Today, I blew a tire without money for a spare, had to have my ex come get my kids, drove home on three tires, and possibly fucked things up with my girlfriend beyond repair. My girlfriend is the only person keeping me sane, and I might lose her. FML

agreeclassic 815

vote type 1 272

Don't jump to conclusions

By Anonymous - 27/12/2022 03:00

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me. In her words, “Liking you fucked up my brain.” Later that afternoon, she posted a story of her with another dude’s arm around her. FML

agreeclassic 886

vote type 1 149

Time to bail

By Anonymous - 26/12/2022 18:00 - United States

Today, I spent $900 for a 2-hour private room session at a strip club, simply to sit, talk, and cuddle (nothing sexual). I'm "happily" married, but my love language is physical touch. I love soft and gentle affection and my wife hates it. I'm already planning to go back. FML

agreeclassic 1 613

vote type 1 810

Blue Christmas ?

By MaeMoss - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I used a man's shirt as a pillowcase and sprayed it with cologne so I wouldn't feel alone in the night. FML

agreeclassic 26 523

vote type 1 8 501

Not so merry Christmas

By Holly Jolly - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

agreeclassic 46 300

vote type 1 5 772

A heartwarming Christmas story

By Fatslobmom - 24/12/2022 12:00

Today, my husband confessed to having an affair, resulting in us loudly arguing. Our 8 year-old daughter asks what was going on. My husband told her, “If you don’t want a divorce when you grow up, a word of advice: eat your fruits and vegetables so you don’t become a fat slob who gets cheated on!” FML

agreeclassic 1 870

vote type 1 399

Great expectations

By trustworthy friend - 22/12/2022 12:00

Today, the guy I’ve been hanging out with and crushing on told me we now know each other well enough to be completely open with each other. I was excited, thinking our mild flirtations would finally go further. He just wanted me to know he’s gay, and asked me if I knew any single guys for him. FML

agreeclassic 953

vote type 1 197

Marty McFly

By Anonymous - 22/12/2022 03:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I've heard some weird reasons before, but "My future self told me to" is a new one. FML

agreeclassic 918

vote type 1 137

My new BFF

By max - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my wife got a new best friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

agreeclassic 43 253

vote type 1 4 548

Time to move on

By Anonymous - 20/12/2022 15:00

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years, whom I just signed a year lease, broke up with me, exactly a week after my best friend's funeral in my last year of college. I can't afford to live in our apartment alone. I'm going to have to drop out and move in with my sister states away. FML

agreeclassic 1 013

vote type 1 149

Life ain't a movie, son

By Effwmn - 20/12/2022 09:00

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams, the girl I've loved for 3 years. I went to her desk and surprised her with roses, chocolates, and played “All I Want for Christmas is You.” She said no. On top of that, she ate all the chocolates. FML

agreeclassic 403

vote type 1 1 311

Not now, guts!

By Anonymous - 19/12/2022 12:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, marks the third day I've spent with a cute guy who has a crush on me. Before going to a public pool, we had a nice breakfast together. However, the food did not agree with me, so I loudly emptied my guts in the poolside restroom. He sent me home after, and will no longer answer my texts. FML

agreeclassic 1 165

vote type 1 181

He's a keeper

By Anonymous - 19/12/2022 15:00

Today, I went on a first date. He got so drunk he forgot what he ordered to eat ten minutes after ordering. He also had to text me later to ask if we kissed, because he couldn’t remember. FML

agreeclassic 964

vote type 1 132

Delusional

By PleaseStop - 18/12/2022 21:00

Today, a female friend of mine keeps telling people we’re dating. No matter how many times I told her I'm gay and only attracted to men, she won’t take that for an answer. She’s actually arranged for me to meet her parents next weekend. FML

agreeclassic 1 394

vote type 1 242

Foreplay

By Anonymous - 18/12/2022 09:00

Today, my girlfriend bitched that we spend too much money on food, and needed to start cooking to save money. I got home from work and started dinner. Halfway through, my girlfriend sighed and said, "This is taking too long, I'll order pizza." FML

agreeclassic 1 243

vote type 1 170

Wifey

By Melissa - 18/12/2022 03:00

Today, the man I love and have lived with for over 5 years told me, “If you were the wifey type, I’d totally put a ring on it and make you mine forever.” So basically, all the cooking, cleaning, massages, and sex are all for nothing? FML

agreeclassic 1 865

vote type 1 414

Never mix business with pleasure

By LiarLiarPantsOnFire - 17/12/2022 21:00

Today, the girl I work with, who I’ve developed feelings for, started dating another guy at work. She’d told me that she “doesn’t believe” in dating coworkers and she doesn’t “shit where she eats.” FML

agreeclassic 873

vote type 1 293

He goes to a different school

By Anonymous - 15/12/2022 18:00

Today, at work during lunch, a bunch of the girls were talking about their husbands and boyfriends and sex stuff. I unfortunately got involved and basically made shit up and lied my ass off because no way would they believe I’m a virgin at 37, who last had a boyfriend in high school. FML

agreeclassic 1 379

vote type 1 494

Tonight, on First Dates…

By singleloseragain - 15/12/2022 12:00

Today, I had my first date with a cute older guy. What started as a perfect night ended in tears when we ran into my mom at the drugstore while he was buying us beer and condoms. She gave him a verbal lashing of a lifetime and told him my real age, 17. I'd told him I was 22. FML

agreeclassic 222

vote type 1 4 317

Pull yourself together

By Worthless - 15/12/2022 09:00

Today, the guy I thought I was gonna marry left me for another woman. I want to jump off my apartment building, but I’m too much of a wimp to even do it. Now, I get to live the rest of my life wallowing in sadness, while he gives his new girl the happiness I once had. FML

agreeclassic 1 058

vote type 1 304

Rain check

By Anonymous - 14/12/2022 21:00 - United States

Today, I was supposed to leave for Switzerland for a month, to see my boyfriend whom I haven't seen for over 6 months. Unfortunately, I broke my leg three days ago and I now I need to stay home and get surgery. FML

agreeclassic 1 051

vote type 1 132

Best day of your life

By Cellist - 14/12/2022 15:00

Today, it's the wedding of a two friends that I introduced each other to about a year ago. I'll be enjoying it on my couch. I wasn't invited. FML

agreeclassic 1 121

vote type 1 122

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, on my first day driving a hearse, I took a wrong turn and of course every car behind followed me. Out of pure habit I had turned right into the main street as though I was driving home, when I should've turned left. At least my wife got to see me from the window as I drove past the house. FML

agreeclassic 178

vote type 1 357

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

agreeclassic 47 224

vote type 1 7 606

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

agreeclassic 33 008

vote type 1 2 602

Today, my friend and I went boating. In the middle of the lake, we decided to jump in. We put our valuables in the boat and jumped in. When I tried to get back in the boat, it flipped over, and our cellphones, along with my car keys, are at the bottom of the lake. FML

agreeclassic 16 188

vote type 1 57 432

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

agreeclassic 39 898

vote type 1 5 060

Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML

agreeclassic 36 160

vote type 1 6 236