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Ouchies

By Ouch - 01/06/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 796

You deserved it 347

By Lizzie - 30/05/2013 22:32 - United States - Rockford

Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 490

You deserved it 53 381

Teenage kicks are hard to beat

By oh my sweet summer child - 26/07/2023 10:00

Today, I’m not sure how to explain to my naive daughter that her new boyfriend is playing her. She insists that he’s just shy and that’s the reason he demands that no one knows about them, and pretends not to know her when other people are around. She thinks them having a secret is “romantic”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 156

By ultraattitude - 14/06/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 166

You deserved it 2 681

One night stand

By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 02:12 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 090

You deserved it 17 651

Awkward

By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet, and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 636

You deserved it 6 297

By fatty magoo - 29/07/2014 18:20 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 322

You deserved it 15 991

What the HELL are you doing?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 494

You deserved it 30 917

It's not what you think!

By joeheathen - 13/11/2009 12:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 623

You deserved it 6 676

By Alohaporno - 03/08/2011 18:31 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 406

You deserved it 32 257

Mistaken identity

By Anonymous - 23/04/2022 12:00

Today, I asked my crush out for coffee but she wanted to go shopping. When she pulled me into the dressing room for my opinion on a bikini, I told her this was too fast for a first date. She looked at me in absolute horror. She thought I was gay, as in a harmless gay friend she could take shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 279

By swiggityswooty - 23/07/2014 04:09 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 068

You deserved it 7 370

Funnel

By udnrizh - 08/10/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 476

You deserved it 5 387

By Uh-oh - 10/11/2009 12:33 - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 254

You deserved it 62 630

By LifeSucks - 08/11/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 056

You deserved it 2 513

By YoshiSqu4d - 03/07/2019 14:01

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 612

You deserved it 117

Cool

By HarrisonR - 03/03/2021 00:30 - United Kingdom

Today, while talking to a boy, he asked what my name was and in a state of panic, I said, "Daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 587

Welcome…

By Brenden - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Massillon

Spicy

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 978

You deserved it 7 317

Unfair

By slappedright - 26/07/2011 23:19 - United States

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC Fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year-old girl in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 780

You deserved it 6 042

Bless

By Pr unlucky - 02/10/2010 08:07 - Australia

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 550

You deserved it 6 693

By SHARIFFO - 07/11/2009 08:18 - Palestinian Territory

Today, my mom came up to the school to give me some money and a few water bottles for my friends and me for soccer practice. Before she left, I said "bye", then I realized my 2-year-old brother waving bye to me. So I bent down through the window to kiss him. As I did, my mom moved the car. It still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 018

You deserved it 4 479

SHARIFFO tells us more.

SHARIFFO 15

Saturday 7 November 2009 18:54

I Would have wrote more to be more specific but the site doesn't allow that much words. This is what happened: "Imagine a car moving in front of the whole school with legs sticking out of the window..." All My Friends laughed, my mom never knew, she never stopped, i was scared as **** to speak so i just got half of my body out in time as she drove off. She then stopped the car & realized asap & asked if i was okay. I was like "o.O?!"

By Anonymous - 25/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 605

You deserved it 5 782

By rejected - 23/04/2009 04:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 195

You deserved it 79 448

Alexa, play "This is a Low" by Blur

By IHaveThePower - 17/08/2023 16:00 - United States - Carson City

Today, the month-long muscle spasms that have been shoving my hips out of joint went to a new low. My whole body feels like I have the flu, with muscle aches and tension. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome does not mix well with PMDD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 106

By Jack00412 - 08/07/2014 19:55 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year-old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 331

You deserved it 5 544

Judgmental people are the worst

By samantha - 09/03/2021 16:59

Today, I was called a horrible excuse for a mother just for buying formula for my baby. I just don’t produce any milk of my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 399

You deserved it 143

Susssy baka

By Anonymous - 26/04/2022 04:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my best friend told me she thinks my fiancé might be gay, because he won't cheat on me with her, like all my past boyfriends did. I'm sorry? My past boyfriends did WHAT with WHO? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 104

You deserved it 157

By Phil - 28/05/2012 21:17 - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 581

You deserved it 3 247

By Uwrongfodat - 09/05/2013 10:11 - United States - Denton

Today, I had my college graduation ceremony. As I was walking across the stage, some asshat, in front of over 55,000 students and staff, brazenly ran across the stage, snatched my diploma up out of the president's hand, and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 826

You deserved it 4 279

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 15:20 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 070

You deserved it 3 799

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The Top

The Top

Today, after three years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed. To my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 764

You deserved it 801

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 500

You deserved it 2 495

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 492

You deserved it 2 941

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 678

You deserved it 313

Today, my dad wrecked yet another car by driving drunk. He's now in jail and has a broken arm. I've begged my family to help him get sober, but they just say, "Stop your americanized bullshit, he's fine, this is how we do in the old country." I'm scared he's gonna get someone killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 55

Today, I told my fiancé that my parents and sister would need to move into our house once we got married. He got really mad and started a huge fight. He doesn't understand that once we get married, we'll be family, and in my culture, family sticks together no matter what. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 1 225