The Top

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By Laura - 30/11/2010 03:03

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 105

You deserved it 5 403

By Anonymous - 15/08/2012 04:04 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 669

You deserved it 2 553

Namesake

By cjy152 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her newborn son after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 317

You deserved it 3 678

By Tib - 18/12/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 403

You deserved it 26 500

What's her secret?

By Anonymos_fmler - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 175

You deserved it 5 383

By happybirthday - 12/08/2012 05:49 - United States - Wrentham

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 600

You deserved it 3 482

GET BACK HERE

By Anonymous - 19/09/2011 08:35 - Malaysia

Today, while in heavy traffic on the highway, a motorcyclist managed to t-bone my car. He picked himself up, glanced at the side of my car, and quickly drove off, all in the space of a few seconds. I just got an expensive paint job on this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 858

You deserved it 3 037

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 309

You deserved it 3 763

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By Anonymous - 05/12/2020 04:58 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 192

Suave

By getmoneyab - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. There was a hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 927

You deserved it 68 529

By MellyBee - 08/08/2012 03:15 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I was bagging my groceries when I accidentally smacked myself in the face with a box of popsicles, giving myself a nose bleed. I found out that the cashier hates the sight of blood when she passed out behind the register. They called security on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 484

You deserved it 2 223

MellyBee tells us more.

MellyBee 9

Thursday 9 August 2012 4:01

I'm happy to inform you #23 that the popsicles survived the accident, and many of them are already in my belly! ;-)

By Bec99 - 15/02/2019 12:00 - Australia - Bassendean

Today, I found out I have celiac disease. I also happen to be a baker and will be constantly reminded of all the wheat products I can no longer enjoy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 463

You deserved it 147

By :$ - 06/08/2012 22:08 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 005

You deserved it 35 170

By cagel - 13/12/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 822

You deserved it 2 783

By pimpslaprequired - 04/08/2012 01:52 - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 039

You deserved it 4 881

By ouch - 12/12/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I finally finished vacuuming my downstairs. Instead of finding the wall outlet and unplugging the vacuum, I triumphantly tugged the cord from across the room to release the plug from the wall. It flew at me at top speed and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 948

You deserved it 41 992

Timing

By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 022

You deserved it 33 529

Babbling brook

By Broke and Blonde - 10/03/2019 12:00

Today, I had an interview for a new position in my company. The head of HR decided to sit and I got so nervous that I just spouted gibberish for 45 minutes. Pretty sure I convinced her I’m not qualified for the position I’m currently in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 596

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 19:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 437

You deserved it 41 511

Self report

By Anonymous - 25/05/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said, "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 077

You deserved it 5 540

The truth will out

By Anonymous - 27/05/2023 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex mother-in-law stupidly made an offhand comment, so I got my kids DNA tested. NONE, I repeat NONE of them is mine. When I think of the thousands I’ve paid in child support I’ll never get back, and now my own mother thinks I’m an asshole for refusing to pay any further. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 352

You deserved it 172

By SystemofaBlink41 - 29/09/2014 04:31 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, my mom got genuinely angry at me because I refused to let her pop a zit that I had "promised" she could pop a few days back. She said with utmost look of disappointment that I'm "not a man of my word". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 351

You deserved it 5 764

SystemofaBlink41 tells us more.

SystemofaBlink41 27

Sunday 1 March 2015 0:28

No, but I'm not giving her any ideas...

By jellyybean - 05/09/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 695

You deserved it 5 874

Better than nothing

By Fluory - 07/12/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 188

You deserved it 3 975

By Anonymous - 20/05/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman said, "Nice dog!" Without thinking, I replied, "You too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 303

You deserved it 44 900

TW: Gross

By sweet_stufz - 11/11/2010 13:30 - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 659

You deserved it 38 936

By unluckydude - 29/06/2013 22:19 - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 004

You deserved it 4 512

By WhatTheFaf - 01/09/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 056

You deserved it 2 977

Happy Kal Rekk!

By Anonymous - 08/06/2023 03:00

Today, my daughter got fired from a high five figures job for making up fake religious holidays to get days off, and for almost a year her boss was so scared of being called a racist, he never bothered to look into it until today, and she was sacked 10 minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 395

By cazzb - 16/09/2014 04:17 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while waiting for my violin student to unpack his violin, he farted loudly and rhythmically on the sofa, and then went on about how it sounded like the "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 859

You deserved it 3 050

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The Top

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 012

You deserved it 1 127

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 988

You deserved it 6 019

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 824

You deserved it 2 871

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 026

You deserved it 5 350

Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 284

You deserved it 10 474

Today, I was feeling nauseous so I decided to take some Pepto Bismol. However, the fake cherry flavor immediately made me vomit all over the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 140