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Bouncing off the walls

By whyyyyyy - 21/05/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I'd always suspected my mother-in-law hated me. My suspicions were confirmed when I went to pick up my son from her house after work. She smiled smugly and let me know that he’d been asleep since noon. It’s after 5. He’s never going to get back to sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 153

By someone - 01/04/2014 19:21 - United States - Point Pleasant

Today, I resorted to the oldest prank in the book: laxatives in the food. Except it wasn't for a prank, but just a desperate attempt to get my clingy boyfriend to leave me the hell alone. I think I'm going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 576

You deserved it 12 692

By lolk - 10/03/2013 07:41 - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 728

You deserved it 41 738

By kaleigh - 31/05/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 825

You deserved it 10 202

By marriage/celibacy/synonymity - 08/03/2013 23:36 - Norway - Espeland

Today, I showed my wife an article about how frequent orgasms can prevent prostate cancer, as well as increase both partners' overall health. She replied that she wouldn't judge me if I masturbated, as long as I don't use porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 429

You deserved it 9 374

By ramis182 - 27/03/2012 00:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 613

You deserved it 4 676

By justmyluck25 - 23/07/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 824

You deserved it 11 942

Still got game

By Anonymous - 27/09/2009 12:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 499

You deserved it 2 156

Bath bomb

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 11:01

Today, I trusted a fart in the bathtub. I really shouldn't have. It came out loose like a brown cloud, so I had to shower to wash the shit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 974

Smartass

By dumbass for a flatmate - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 596

You deserved it 3 863

Why would you go and do a thing like that?

By anonymous - 25/05/2011 14:33 - Singapore

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 347

You deserved it 37 020

The good old days

By WOWreally - 25/09/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid, and my husband said, "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 072

You deserved it 12 125

By see you next cunt - 18/03/2014 19:44 - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 007

You deserved it 5 140

Attention!

By choker - 14/03/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the checkout line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was OK. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 915

You deserved it 8 310

By Anonymous - 14/11/2017 15:00

Today, I went on a hike. It had snowed the night before so I wore warm clothes. They didn’t help when I slipped and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 115

You deserved it 493

Check this out

By MikeyPeters - 13/03/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I was using the elliptical when I got a bad wedgie. All the ellipticals are up against a wall so after trying to pick it, I finally decided to just pull down the back of my pants and underwear. I then remembered there was a window to a yoga class behind me. I mooned them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 426

You deserved it 57 529

Mess incoming

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 16:00

Today, my apartment management notified me that my water was going to be shut off all day so they could fix the plumbing. I took a laxative last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 753

You deserved it 180

Life imitates art

By awkwardsituation - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year-old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 794

You deserved it 4 984

So pissed

By soaked - 25/02/2013 19:16 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was babysitting, and I had to pee really, really badly. I couldn't figure out how to get the stupid toilet lock off, and ended up pissing myself. As I stood in the bathroom in tears, their child screamed, "No, no, pee-pee in the POTTY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 590

You deserved it 9 088

By rioght onnn - 20/05/2011 19:38 - Canada

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 943

You deserved it 43 758

Cursed media

By Zack - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 305

You deserved it 97 832

Up it goes

By 0stvn0 - 16/03/2012 01:18 - Canada

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STI test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said, "Gonna be honest Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 5 702

By Anon - 18/05/2011 11:47 - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 901

You deserved it 10 603

Paranoid

By rockefoe - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 977

You deserved it 33 831

Night terror

By Kira - 12/06/2021 04:01

Today, it was my first time sleeping at my boyfriend’s house. I happened to have an incredibly realistic nightmare in which I woke up to thousands of centipedes crawling all over my body. My boyfriend got to watch me scream and slap myself repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 112

Revenge

By GoodGuy,BadBoss - 10/12/2023 15:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I interviewed my first person ever for the store I’m opening. She was not a good fit and I told her so. She took it really personally. She later sent several nudes to my personal cell, “to say thank you.” My wife saw them immediately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 149

By erockinthesuburb - 19/02/2013 01:49 - United States

Today, I purchased a box of girl scout cookies from a coworker. I wanted to save them for later at home, so I placed them on my desk and then headed to a meeting. When I returned, there was an empty box sitting there with a post-it note saying, "Thanks!" Nobody will own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 458

You deserved it 6 363

By Sadmom - 17/09/2009 23:58 - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 639

You deserved it 5 366

No future

By Bryan - 15/06/2021 16:00

Today, the love of my life said, "You’d make a great husband! Whoever marries you in the future is gonna be so happy!" We’ve been together for 4 years and was planning to propose on her birthday in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 09/03/2012 15:14 - United States

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 480

You deserved it 4 536

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The Top

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 565

You deserved it 3 463

Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway onto the tire ramp. Truck didn't make it; neither did my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 228

You deserved it 4 293

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 919

You deserved it 23 778

Today, I sliced a deep gash into my thumb while carving up bagels. After putting a plaster on, I returned to my room to relax, where I lit a candle. The flame from my new lighter shot up, and set fire to the plaster on my thumb. Now I have a cut AND several burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 014

You deserved it 7 991

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 187

Today, I tried to bond with my baby nephew by making funny faces at him. He stared at me like I was the most confusing creature he had ever seen, then burst into tears so loud it scared the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 311

You deserved it 201