The Top

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By nosestealer - 07/07/2013 21:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 494

You deserved it 9 877

By mighthavepaidfortwodates - 28/03/2019 22:00

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 177

You deserved it 348

Disappointed

By WhatALetdown - 25/11/2015 00:26 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 681

You deserved it 5 550

By Brunofk7 - 21/11/2015 00:59 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 227

You deserved it 2 756

By whymegirl - 22/07/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 081

You deserved it 8 607

By slut - 29/08/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 372

You deserved it 59 342

USA Number One!

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 05:30 - United States - Wynnewood

Today, I live in the same country that deployed the National Guard to suppress peaceful BLM protests, yet allowed a bunch of psychotic Trump supporters to break into the Capitol. I’m ashamed to be human right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 697

What? WHAT?

By Shannon - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two month-old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww, your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year-old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 045

You deserved it 5 385

By No money, mo' problems - 18/06/2013 22:01 - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 236

You deserved it 9 678

By Lydlsis - 30/10/2015 23:53 - United States

Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 766

You deserved it 4 636

Early warning

By SamAaron502 - 29/10/2015 10:16 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. to get ready for a "fun work retreat". After driving 2 hours to the site, I find that nobody's there. After about half an hour standing there freezing, I get an email from my boss, telling me that, "It's canceled due to bad weather." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 420

You deserved it 1 804

By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - 28/10/2015 01:34 - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 736

You deserved it 1 869

By stpdaziandude - 08/05/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 930

You deserved it 45 035

By hopeless romantic - 14/08/2014 15:06 - United States - Dayton

Today, I realized my dog looks at me with way more love in his eyes than my own boyfriend does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 185

You deserved it 5 548

By VDM - 03/06/2013 21:16 - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 650

You deserved it 8 241

By MozillaHostile - 09/10/2015 18:54 - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 22 939

You deserved it 2 689

His dark side

By JJLight - 27/05/2013 03:14 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 747

You deserved it 11 439

Moving on

By crash and burn - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I moved states to be with my soulmate in our new condo. It was also the day I took out a neighbor's balcony with my U-Haul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 919

You deserved it 2 557

Somebody's watching me

By ugh - 08/06/2012 04:35 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 347

You deserved it 9 215

By Anonymous - 06/10/2010 23:18 - Canada

Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 696

You deserved it 38 597

Clubbing tip

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 7 090

War drums

By Taylor - 30/07/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 273

You deserved it 10 696

By CaddyWhack - 18/11/2016 20:57

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 527

You deserved it 808

By grossedout - 08/11/2009 21:11 - Canada

Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 994

You deserved it 3 940

By liquid_sasquatch - 29/05/2012 22:40 - United States

Today, my 14-year-old brother told me he needed help with something "very personal." Thinking he wanted girlfriend advice or something, I said, "Sure, no problem". He wanted me to shave his butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 376

You deserved it 2 721

liquid_sasquatch tells us more.

liquid_sasquatch 10

Thursday 31 May 2012 15:11

Half the comments so far really cracked me up! xD Of course I'll never answer the question most asked =]

By Anonymous - 05/11/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I finally finished my art project, which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in first period to give it to my professor. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 682

You deserved it 3 501

Trance

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to pour myself a cup of coffee and noticed our kittens were playing in the living room. Transfixed by the cuteness, I didn't notice I started pouring hot coffee on my hand and foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 015

You deserved it 31 687

Bad breakup idea

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 343

You deserved it 4 463

Teenagers these days

By prostitott - 04/05/2013 07:22

Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 551

You deserved it 15 403

This is fine

By toosmall - 23/10/2016 21:27

Today, I got a $60 parking ticket for not paying the $2.50 pay-to-park fee. I checked my bank records, which proved that I'd paid the fee, for the correct space too. The problem is the fine is too small to contest in traffic court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 903

You deserved it 924

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The Top

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 009

You deserved it 2 201

Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 165

You deserved it 19 063

Today, I was jogging on my farm when I discovered a cave. Unfortunately for me, I discovered said cave by tripping and falling into it where there was still a 10ft drop to the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 798

You deserved it 3 203

Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 628

You deserved it 12 468

Today, I got into a pretty heated argument with my boss. On my way out the door I told him he would be lucky if I came back to work. Unfortunately, I left the interior light on in my truck and it drained the battery. I had to go back in and ask for a jump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 809

You deserved it 36 221

Today, my husband bought me a remote-controlled vibrator, put it in my underwear, and spent the entirety of our date night making it vibrate. I was soaking wet and ready to get fucked. Too bad he drank two bottles of wine during the date and fell asleep the second we got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 103