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By anonymous - 19/11/2016 18:35 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 427

You deserved it 1 531

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 20:22 - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 316

You deserved it 9 398

By Anonymous - 19/07/2019 06:01

Today, my car horn got some sort of short and started beeping every 20 seconds or so. On the way to get it fixed, I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Behind a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 040

You deserved it 132

By the poor man - 05/09/2015 17:36 - Australia - Perth

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 182

You deserved it 10 239

By Lord Buttfuck IV - 29/08/2015 14:06 - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 789

You deserved it 3 786

By N - 07/05/2012 09:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 809

You deserved it 5 378

By Is_This_Real - 13/09/2016 02:34 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 630

You deserved it 2 528

Nope.

By Just Set Me On Fire - 13/09/2017 23:15

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 101

You deserved it 238

By hazeblaze - 06/10/2017 23:15

Today, I noticed that my dad's WhatsApp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 137

You deserved it 266

This is why we can't have nice things.

By Anonymous - 29/09/2017 20:00

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 233

You deserved it 458

Twerking hard or hardly twerking?

By SailorSolaris - 04/10/2017 18:50 - United States

Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 138

You deserved it 320

SailorSolaris tells us more.

SailorSolaris 43

Wednesday 4 October 2017 3:04

Op here. Still don't know how it happened. Third time, too, though the other times were in my back. Anyone have a clue?

By Anonymous - 13/10/2017 01:30

Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 191

You deserved it 408

By Jodie Zawadzka - 20/10/2017 06:00

Today, Hurricane Ophelia hit. I had been meaning to fix my roof for a while but couldn't get around to it. My roof is now embedded in my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 075

You deserved it 1 377

RIP Beard

By captain patch beard - 03/10/2019 18:01

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 174

You deserved it 464

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 07:02 - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 297

You deserved it 3 478

Gross out

By lawdwhy - 12/11/2017 22:09

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 085

You deserved it 504

By Now I'm Broke - 22/11/2017 15:00

Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 8 058

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 10:06 - Finland

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 937

You deserved it 8 273

By quackers - 08/07/2016 07:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 872

You deserved it 1 219

Cheeky dog

By onefmlafteranother - 15/11/2019 01:00

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that same moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart loose, and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 705

You deserved it 593

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 20:03 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 927

You deserved it 4 928

By cheated - 31/01/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 867

You deserved it 364

Is this Woody Allen?

By ShockedToDeath - 08/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my husband got my 22 year-old daughter pregnant. Not only that, he’s drained our savings on her including a new iPhone and Macbook, designer clothes and handbags, etc. His defense, in all seriousness, was, "She’s not even my biological daughter, chill out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 439

You deserved it 174

By lifesucks4me - 23/02/2009 12:51 - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says, "You're a bitch." He's 6. After I asked him where he heard that word, he responded with, "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

I agree, your life sucks 161 074

You deserved it 13 797

By anonymous - 15/06/2016 06:18 - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 307

You deserved it 1 037

By jess - 15/02/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 030

You deserved it 2 404

George the Cat

By AnonCat - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 667

You deserved it 3 795

Better Call Small

By not-so-young-shortie - 18/02/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He's 6'2 and I'm 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 975

You deserved it 5 107

Nice try, chief

By Anonymous - 04/04/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 031

You deserved it 15 208

By RedFaced - 27/05/2016 00:11 - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, I discovered the effect the cream has that my mom gave me. It was for my acne and it worked, in a way. Instead of having a lot of little pimples, I now just have a few gigantic ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 205

You deserved it 821

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The Top

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 786

You deserved it 1 794

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 882

You deserved it 1 915

Today, I went on a blind date for coffee. He was smart, good looking, and friendly. While we were talking about our respective families it became abundantly clear that I have heard these stories before. I realized that 6 months earlier I had been dumped by his brother after sleeping with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 983

You deserved it 34 351

Today, after being turned away by nearly all the restaurants in the area, I tried applying at Burger King. They too turned me away. I have a Culinary School Degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 584

You deserved it 3 129

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 764

You deserved it 58 987

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said, "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 298

You deserved it 14 912